Sister refuses to attend my wedding... and now is enraged that she's not involved?

Question

I am getting married in September. My older sister recently sent me an email with the subject line "RSVP" and told me--in awful language--that she would not be attending my wedding. She also copied several family members on the email. She was supposed to be in the wedding party, but refused to buy the bridesmaids' dress because she doesn't like the neckline. (Every other bridesmaid loves it.) I've tried to include her in planning activities (flowers, cake, shopping for my own gown), but she has refused every offer to join me even when I said I would go any day or time that she's available. When she got married a few years ago I did every thing she asked and even took days off of work to help and accompany her to planning activities.

We have never had a close relationship because--to sum it up--she is a "bully" and flies into a rage if things don't go according to her plan or (God forbid) someone has to say "no" to her. It is not confined to sibling rivalry--she bullies my parents, her husband, and the few friends she still has. To be honest I was relieved when she said she would not attend my wedding because she has been a source of stress and anxiety.

However, now she is enraged that she did not receive an invitation to the wedding. I was really hurt when she said she would not attend and thought I would just be setting myself up for failure and abuse if I invited her. I feel conflicted because I'm sad that she will not be there, but I'm also not going to beg her to be there because she's made her feelings so clear and has abused me for so long.

Do I try to pacify her? Or protect my own happiness and keep a safe distance from her??

Answer 1

I wouldn't worry about the reaction of the other family members. They know what she is like and do whatever it takes to pacify her because they don't want the holidays or other family get togethers to be unpleasant. Unfortunately, the result of them pacifying her bullying behavior is that they never set limits with her, so she gets worse. Her friends don't have to have a relationship with her for the rest of her lives like family does. So most of them have exerted their choice in how they will allow themselves to be treated....by no longer being friends with her.



Whether you invite her or not, this memory will always be a part of your wedding memories. I think you need to trust your instinct to not invite her to your wedding.



Part of it with your sister is that she says these nasty awful things to people and no one ever holds her accountable. She is nasty to people but expects everyone to act like she never said hurtful things. I think you are doing her and yourself a favor by holding her accountable for her words. And when I say that you will be doing yourself a favor, it is because by holding her accountable for her e-mail and not sending her an invitation, it is such a strong way to stand up for yourself...and it will be easier for you to set limits with her bullying in the future. She will know that there is a line, and you will know that you can set a line.



I'm sure you still have that RSVP e-mail. I would simply forward it back to her (and only to her) and say something like "I understand that you are upset that you did not receive an invitation to my wedding. When you sent me your regrets to the wedding, I believed you and did not feel it was necessary to send you the formal invitation."



(The passive aggressive in me would have to fight the urge to write something like "Based on the other thoughtful comments you expressed in your e-mail, I know you wish Groom and me well.)



And I would not say anything else and I would ignore any future e-mails from her on the subject. Any future e-mails from her would serve to manipulate you or justify her behavior. This is an important moment in your life for your spine to be strong. You are entering a new chapter in your life as a married woman. Let that chapter also begin with you proudly and strongly deciding how you will allow yourself to be treated by others.

Answer 2

Leave that nut alone. Because first of all you said it she calls the shots and she did she called the shots in that email saying that she is not attending the wedding. So what do you need an invitation for. You already said you want no parts of it. I know that is your sister and I don't know if she was speaking at that time in the form of anger. But one thing I do know is that in September is your wedding day and this day should be about you and not her!!!! So make it about you and not her! People piss me off truly when it comes to weddings they think it is about them and it don't have S''' to do with them. They are to be happy for the person that is getting married. Everyone can't always have the spotlight. I am sick and tired of it. She had her day she did the bridesmaids dresses, flowers and etc the way she wanted to this is your day and you will do the thinks you want to do. She may bully everyone but she can't go on like that. The world don't revolve around her. She needs to get over her self and I won't pacify her, and it is good that she sent those emails to everyone else so they know why she is not there and it is not because you didn't invite her it is being she uninvited herself. She will be ok and you will too! Good luck and congrats!

Answer 3

Edited cause I didn't read your question right.. No parent, especially a mother, would refuse to attend their own child's wedding, regardless! Or should I say should? Cause if they don't.. well, they're pretty ignorant and cold hearted! And definitely lacking in the information department! They only believe what they want to believe. I'm Pagan but I want a Korean wedding - those are cool!

Answer 4

Ugh. How aggravating! My take is that people like your sister behave the way they do because those around them wait too long to set boundaries. Obviously, this is more the job of your parents than you, but do not let her get into your head and cause stress at this happy time.



Also, remember that your fiance doesn't need or want this kind of drama. It's his wedding, too, and in a way, it's your job to "protect" him from bozos in your family, just as it's his job to do the same with his family.



Don't try to pacify her, because it will be only temporary. Maybe someday the two of you can have a good, adult relationship, but for now, focus on the many good things in your life and simply refuse to engage her. There's too much at stake, and you have a lot of good things going on. Never let someone sabotage your happiness!



If you have to communicate, send an email stating she's not invited, you're sorry it got to this, you hope that someday the two of you can resume your relationship, but for now your focus is on your guy and your wedding.

Answer 5

You email her with this..



" I was under the strong impression that you would not be attending my wedding-you said so yourself, therefore I assumed you would not need an invitation to a wedding you had no intentions of attending. If you have changed your mind about attending, you should have called or emailed me because I am NOT a mind reader.



Either you want to attend or you don't....if you do, you know how to contact me. If you don't, why am I sending an invite to someone who has already made it quite clear that she will NOT attend. I can not afford to waste Wedding invitations or my time in addressing and sending them to someone who has already made it clear she will be a no-show.



I do NOT have the time to play RSVP games...you want to come, let me know. I will then consider That your RSVP as a 'will attend' and will send you a keepsake invitation if you have changed your mind and are coming ."



You NEVER placate a bully..you ignore the histrionics and you throw THEIR bad behavior right back at them....stand up for yourself and refuse to be bullied and if that means walking away at that moment, you do so. If that means challenging them, you do so. You can only be abused if you put up with it. Don't.



Edit: what you need to understand is the vast majority of bulies are also very insecure, some are down right cowards and they bully as an attempt to hide these feelings and to control situations because if they are not in complete control, they are fearful...it does not excuse the bully but it explains why most will back down if their targets stand up for themselves.

Answer 6

I have a friend just like this. Due to the fact that she refused your invitation previously, I don't think that she should be upset with you for not giving her one. In my opinion its just a way to get attention. This is YOUR day. You should not even have to alter your plans to suit her. This is not her wedding. She had hers. Now its time to have yours. Do you really want to look back at your wedding and regret that you did something you shouldn't have to didn't do something you wanted to? I understand shes your sister. So send her the invitation. If she doesn't like the dress and refuses to wear it then exclude her from the party. Do your really want her griping about how horrible the dress is when you've heard it all before. Ask your self one thing... will she make you feel inferior at your wedding? And will she try to bully you? Will she in anyway make you feel uncomfortable and down on your Special day? If the awns er is yes to these then dint send it. Its all on what you feel deep down inside..



congrats,

I hope all goes well

Answer 7

You did invite her - you asked her to be one of your bridesmaids. She refused to buy the dress, not you. It's not your responsibility to bend over backwards to placate one person - like any other bridesmaid, if she didn't love the dress she could just suck it up and go along for one day. You've also tried to include her in other wedding planning activities.



She's being an a$$ because she can, because it works for her and because people let her get away with it. Talk to her - point out that she WAS invited from the beginning, that it was her own choice to not participate. Tell her you would have liked to have her as a part of your wedding, but she chose not to be. HER choice, not yours.



Beyond that, no, I wouldn't beg her to be there. Her sending a personal email to you and copying a bunch of other people is passive aggressive bullshit designed to drag other people into her drama. Have a copy of the email there to refer to when you talk to her - throw her own words back at her and be done with it.

Answer 8

Normally, I would encourage you to invite "all necessary parties" and allow them to make their own decision about whether or not to attend.

In this case, though, your sister seems like poison. Do not invite her. Do not talk to her or have anything to do with her until after the wedding and honeymoon. She seems hellbent on making your day miserable (probably because she can't stand to see everyone revolving around you instead of herself), and your day should be full of nothing but wonderful, happy memories for you.

Good luck, and congrats on the wedding! :)

Answer 9

If I were you I would keep her out of my life. Why should you pacify her childish behavior? She needs to grow up and you'll be at peace without her. Enjoy your wedding day with your family and be amazed how they all smile with joy while "the bully" is not there.



I would also recommend that you get counseling so you will learn how to tell her "no" and stand up to her. NO ONE deserves to be treated the way she has treated you.



Good Luck!

Answer 10

you should have invited her as a guest, if she refuses to be in the wedding party. that would show her you're bigger than her, and more mature. after your wedding, your family should sit down with a therapist and have an intervention with your sister, to show her how hurtful her behavior is. but for now, be grateful she's not attending because that's less drama you have to deal with that day.

Answer 11

I know she's your sister,but don't pacify her. You done so much for her,to keep her happy for her wedding. Now look how she show you the appreciation back,tell her how you feel about the situation she's putting you in. But if she feel the same way,let it go. Be happy to get married to the one you love,don't let her bull craps make you feel this way,because in the long run,she's gonna regret it.

Answer 12

She seems sort of like "a loose cannon", i.e. unpredictable, so I would not send her and invitation. Your special day (hopefully) won't have any chance of being ruined that way (hopefully). It really is a shame that she refuses to "grow up" and allow you YOUR day. That is so selfish on so many levels. Well, I wish you to have a wonderful wedding day where everything goes exactly how you envisioned it to go and with minimal snags.

Answer 13

I totally understand, my MIL is mental! She also did not attend our wedding for many stupid reasons. However, I would say send her an invite. If she chooses not to come that's her call but you can always say "but I did send you an invite..." She is your sister and you will cross paths for the rest of your lives. It actual came up again last night for us about our wedding(we're married 3 years now......like I said-mental...)and my SIL backed me saying "mom, you got an invite and you chose not to go".

Answer 14

Stay away! She sounds like she will ruin your wedding. Send her email back to her and say I am sorry you are upset but this is why you did not receive an invitation.

Answer 15

Nope, you screwed up by not inviting her. She is obviously a control freak. She needed to get the invite so that she could turn it down - see? She has to control the situation. Now, since she didn't get invited, she's going tobad mouth you all over the family - people are going to take sides - etc. - it will be ugly. I would get, as Dr. Joy Browne says, stupid and cheerful. I would send her an inivite with a vauge explanation that you were going to deliver it person, it got lost in the mail, something - it doesn't have to be true or make sense. Then, she can decline to come - that's her choice - nothing you can do about that - now or ever. But you will be able to say that you officially invited her and she chose not to come. The family will not be able to chose sides and make a war over it.



P.S. Bet you're a middle child aren't you?

Answer 16

her rage fest of an email was a pathetic attempt to scare you into inviting her.



odds are she is going to show up any ways out of spite. be ready.

Answer 17

I wouldn't worry about her. And I'm sorry she's trying to ruin your day. Let her sit at home and fume.



(However, you might be prepared that she will attend, invited or not. So have a place setting for she and her husband just in case.)

Answer 18

let her throw her tantrum and get on with it. She sounds like a cow and needs to grow up. Don't worry about her let her get on with her strop and you just worry about enjoying yours and your future husbands day.

Answer 19

sending your sister an invitation to your wedding has nothing to do with trying to pacify her. it is poor etiquette not to send an invitation to immediate family members, regardless of the family situations.



weddings and funerals are times when families are supposed to set aside their feuds and bickerings and difficulties and unite for at least one day. if your sister chose not to attend that is her business...but you should have sent her an invitation.



not inviting her to your wedding will never change the person she is. she is part of your family forever and even though she is an awful person, she is still family. you will always have to deal with her the way she is. when dealing with such a difficult person, the only possible thing we can do is to make sure that our own behaviour is above reproach concerning them. then, if they rant and rave or accuse or abuse, because we have done nothing wrong to deserve it, they will always come off as looking like the bad guy. but if we conduct ourselves in an improper manner with such people, then they have a real excuse for their behavior and we share the blame for it.



your happiness in your wedding day surely does not revolve around your sister, but rather around being joined with the man you love....so she cannot disturb your happiness and you should not allow any behaviour of hers to disturb your peace. people like her only have the power we give them to disrupt our lives.



correct your mistake and send her an invitation. you can tell her you didn't send her one because she had already rsvp'd that she was not coming, but you are sorry for the oversite. don't express any hopes that she will come, just send the invite and apology. if she shows up, greet her warmly and then forget her. your wedding day is about you and your beloved joining together to become one. nothing she says or does can change or affect that.

Answer 20

Why worry about this, no matter how much it hurts right now....live your life and let her live hers.