What do I do about my future MIL and her wedding guest list?

Question

Long story, short. My parents are paying for our wedding plus rehearsal and my fiancee and I set a total of 130 guests, so 65/65 because I come from a small family. My future MIL and his sister FREAKED out and stated they both needed at least 130 invites for their family ALONE. I have no idea what to do because this is stressing me out to the max. Any advice or going through a similar situation is appreciated.

Answer 1

Somebody, preferably the groom and you, your parents if you think the MIL and sister will make a scene,needs to set these people down, and tell them that they do not get to demand, unless they are putting up some money. Your parents are paying for 130, and that is the limit, the venue and the food plans fits 130 guests.



The solution is to go over the guest list with them, and see how many of the MIL's list is already on yours. Then, give them a few seats, like 2 from each of you, and make sure that they understand the guests will be known to you, no strangers. Or they can pay for a very few more. betcha they back off if they think they have to pay .



Good luck, and do know that the tradition is for the parents to pay, and the groom's side is given a percentage of the seats. but weddings are not traditional anymore, unless the person paying and the happy couple want that.

Answer 2

Just give them 65 invitations and that's it, don't apologize, don't feel bad about it. When they ask you for more invitations, simply say that's all that is allowed at your wedding, especially since YOUR family is paying for it, that the only way the guest list could be expanded is if there was a bigger budget, which there isn't and there won't be on the part of your parents and yourself & fiancé. (that's like saying if they want more guest they should CONTRIBUTE $$ towards your wedding). Just remain calm, and say the above calmly and with a smile. If they go off on it, just shrug your shoulders like saying there's nothing you can do about it it's out of your hands. Then walk away when it feels right and continue with your business. If they say anything rude or negative don't let it get to your head either, stand your ground mentally and don't let them change your mind.



By doing this you're not being rude at all, you're actually being very polite and mature without getting pushed around.



Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

You have very loving generous parents who are willing to pay for everything: wedding, reception and rehearsal. Typically the groom's parents as well as the bride & groom chip in.

In the situation you describe, since you and your fiance are the ones getting married, it should be the two of you who make up the guest list together. As a married couple you will have many compromises to make. Determining a guest list will be good practice.

Ask the moms and sisters for their guest lists and sit down with your own list of friends and relatives to develop the final list.

Realize the final list will likely not be 65- 65. This is where compromise comes in. Good luck

Answer 4

If your parents are paying then your parents determine how many seats your MIL gets for her guests...not you, not your Fiance or his family.



A 65/65 split sounds very fair to me...if your future MIL has an issue with this, she needs to address the person/people who are PAYING for the event...thus, MIL needs to speak to your parents as it's their money your MIL is proposing to spend more of...and should be told calmly and gently that your parents hold the purse strings so those are the people she speaks to....and I doubt MIL will. So she freaks...oh well, she'll survive.

Answer 5

Your fiancee needs to talk to her. Not you. You should each handle your own families.



You have two approaches you can take. Talk to your fiancee, decide which one works best for you, and then your fiancee needs to talk to her mother and lay down the rules:



Option 1: "Mom, we've already set the budget and venue for the wedding. We can offer you 65 guests, absolutely no more than that. Get us a guest list by next Friday if you want us to invite them."



If MIL argues, your fiancee needs to say, "Mom, this is non-negotiable. We can only accommodate 65 people from your list. No more. You can invite up to 65, or if you want to argue about this then you can invite zero. So either get us a guest list of no more than 65 people, or else you'll get no say in the guest list. This is not up for discussion." End of story. Your fiancee should hang up the phone or walk away at that point.



Option 2: "Mom, our budget only allows us to invite 130 guests, which means that each family gets to invite 65 people. Now, if you would like to invite more than that, we will need you to cover the costs for any additional people. We've crunched the numbers and it would cost $X per person ... that includes a bigger venue, food, drinks, stationery, extra centerpieces, chairs at the ceremony site, and favors. If you can get us a check by next Friday and a list of the extra people you want to invite, we will sit down with you and make sure we can accommodate everyone you want."



Again, if MIL complains then your fiancee needs to shut her down and tell her that the terms are non-negotiable.

Answer 6

Sit your fiance down and let him know he needs to rein in his family.

whatever seemingly small decisions you make now are shaping your marriage, and this isn't a small one.



You made a decision as to the relative size of your guest list, because you didn't want a pageant lasting for days. It is a small family wedding, being hosted by your parents, and you have the last say on what it looks like because it is your wedding day.



Let your fiance know it is his place to tell his relatives that 65 invitations will be sent out, and that will happen when they produce a list of names and addresses. There will be no more moaning and wailing, because this isn't their party. If they wish to have one, that is their prerogative, on a different date. Then you wait, and any attempts to reopen the discussion are to be met with thundering silence.



That's all. Don't let anyone come to you, nor should you stress. Delegate it to him, and if he cannot fend them off properly,let it be a warning for things to come. It's time for him to be able to defend you and your mutual decisions, and if he can't he may not be ready to marry anyone. You certainly don't want to be living like that all the time. This is a litmus test for the rest of your life with him.

Good luck.

Answer 7

This is something that your fiancé really needs to handle - they are his family, after all. He needs to reiterate that they get 65 invites, no more, and there will be no more discussion on the matter. If they give you a much longer list, he needs to say that you (meaning you and him) will only be sending out invitations to the first 65 people on the list, so does she want to amend the list before you send the invites out?



Whilst asking that they pay for the extra guests is another solution, as Ashley M has pointed out, this will become a logistical nightmare.

Answer 8

Groom needs to talk to his mum and sister and explain why and lay down some rules that ONLY those you have invited are coming.



IF the mum and sister want to host their own party afterwards and invite those that didn't get invited to reception then that's their issue not yours.



130 are paid for and that's it. No changes can be made and they have unrealistic expectations if they think they can just invite whoever they want.



Long story short groom needs to talk to them now or this will be the rest of your life. MIL and SIL will run all over him and think they can do what they want.

Answer 9

Your fiance should talk to her about her unrealistic demands. If this doesn't work then you, he and your parents have a sit down conversation with her. I do not know why, but, this happens a lots---relatives usually MIL sometimes MOB think a wedding is a family reunion.

Answer 10

Ashley M answer is good.

Problem with telling your MIL to pay for her extra guests is that is hard to figure out cost. Cake, linens, place settings, table flowers, drinks, is all more with more guests. The place you rent for your recpection would need to fit the larger guest list. This gets way too complacated.



Your finance needs to tell his mother HE has decided on a small wedding. She gets 65 guests and that HE is not debating this with her. That she can host a party after the honeymoon for the two of you and invite whom ever she pleases.



The thing is NOT to get into a debate about this. Do not make excuses for your plans for your wedding.



What do you do...nothing. Let your groom handle his family. He needs to be firm with his family and get them to realize this is his wedding too and this is how he wants it

Answer 11

Decide how many invites they can both get and tell them that number. then only send out that number. If they give you a long list take the top names off their list to invite up to the number you gave them. 'forget the rest. Your parents are not pa ying for them to invite the world. give the the number that they can freely invite and that is that. Make it clear that there is only space for those invited and any others will be disappointed and embarrassed by not having a place or meal for the reception. Just do it and let them stew. If you start by letting them walk over you they will never stop. Nip this in the bud

Answer 12

It doesn't matter who is paying for it. The two of you need to present a united front on this. Tell them again, 65 is their max invitation number, then stop discussing it or listening to their complaints. They may have many relatives they'd like to invite but it is still your wedding and you've chosen to have a small one. Every cousin to the third remove doesn't have to be invited, nor does Susie's brother-in-law and his wife along with their six children.

Answer 13

From my family point of view, 65 is a huge number. I don't think that I could muster 15 direct (or even indirect come to think of it) relatives, and that would be drawing them from around the globe.

Just plain tell your future MIL & sister in law that their number is 65 - and that's IT - unless of course they want to start paying some costs, at which point I suspect that they will back off.

Lets get real here, it is YOUR wedding, not theirs, so it up to YOU to make the decisions.

Answer 14

Your fiancée needs to go to his parents (well - his mother - and his sister) - sit her down and tell her about the extra finances that all of their 130 guests will make ... and that HIS/your wedding account cost did not have that much .. and .. if she insists on having her 130 - that SHE pay for them.

Let HIM handle his mother .. and his sister.

Where I am from ... the groom's parents pay for the wedding rehearsal (the whole thing .. the meal and everything).

Your finance is the one to handle this. His family should cooperate with your budget --- or they should pay up for what they are wanting.

Answer 15

You and your groom should be deciding the list.



Remember to take away the number of close friends you want to invite and non-negotiable immediate family members, then split the number left for other family. You and your partner should be the ones deciding who you want to invite from each side, not his sister or mother.



Let him remind them that your wedding is not a family reunion, it is a wedding being very generously paid for by your parents. He deals with his family, you deal with yours and stand by what you agree together as a couple.

Answer 16

Your fiance handles this because they are HIS family. He tells them "You get 65 and that's it, end of discussion".



That is literally the only answer possible.



EDIT: All these answers saying "they invite, they pay" are bad. I'm sorry, they just are. What if MIL is crazy enough to actually pay for all these people? Now the bride and groom have to have a massive wedding that they don't actually want. How is that fair?

Answer 17

Its your wedding & you are the one to dictate how many guests are invited. Tell mother & sister in law the guests list remains at 65/65 unless they cough up the additional expenses. Your fiancé needs to man up & tell them to back off. Take this as a sign of the man youre marrying, if he wont stand up to them for you now, he may never do it, leaving you to defend yourself & future children.

Answer 18

they have absolutely NO say at all in a wedding being paid for by someone else. it is extremely rude of them to say such a thing since your parents do not have to give them ANY of the seats in the event they are paying for.



most weddings, the groom's side does not even get an equal number of seats as the bride's side does when her family is paying.



since your parents are paying for this event, it is 100% their event to plan and do with as they please. you need to have your fiance talk to his family and tell them that this is not their event. it is your parent's event so they simply need to accept the 65 seats and make it work and be happy about it, end of story. if they argue with him he can mention how rude their response was and how insulting it is for them to take an attitude like that toward an invent the have zero imput into.

Answer 19

You and your fiance need to act like adults. You tell them that your fiance and his family are welcome to invite up to 65 people. If they want more, they are welcome to host a celebration or housewarming party in your honor, but the size the of the wedding is firm. If you and your soon-to-be husband can t deal with this, you probably are ready to take on the responsibilities of married life and you do not want to be married to a man who is scared to support you over his mother.

Answer 20

Tell them that they need to send $100 per additional person outside the 65 allotted.

Answer 21

Your fiance, not you, tells them the number of people they can invite after you've discussed that number-whether it's two or ten. He asks for the names and addresses of those people, and doesn't discuss it further.

Answer 22

be straight out with her, your fiance needs to to. tell her your parents are paying for it not her. and she can only have 65 for her side. so invite the most important family not everyone and their 4th cousin.

Answer 23

Good news: You do nothing. This is for your fiancé to tackle. He deals with his side of the family, you deal with yours. He needs to talk to his mother and set some boundaries.

Answer 24

Simple: Tell them, their invites...THEY PAY. They want to pay for extra guests....let them be your guest.

But they have to pay for it, because you can not.