How do you decide whether or not to attend a bridal shower?

Question

Do you simply decide if you would LIKE to go (and, naturally, to spend money on a present), or is there a policy, formula, etc., dictating when one is obligated to go.

I said "no" when a lady who was marrying my husband's friend apparently passed my name on to her shower-thrower.

I said "yes" when I was invited to my husband's cousin's shower, because she attended mine, and also because, of my husband's many cousins, she is among those with whom he has a somewhat close relationship.

Now, I have been invited to the shower of someone who is MARRYING another of my husband's cousins. She didn't attend my shower, but that may be because they were only dating then. She is a nice person, but we only see her at family functions, 2-3 times per year.

If you go by obligation rather than desire, how do you decide? Am I just as obligated to my husband's relatives as I would be to my own? Am I just as obligated to people who are marrying my husband's relatives as I would be to the relatives, themselves?

And, if anyone knows, why are women always expected to give an extra present, and men are not? In our case, it's rather a semantic issue, since obviously, my husband and I pay for gifts jointly, but for example, my husband's single female cousins had to pay for my shower gifts all by themselves, while his male cousins bought us nothing until the wedding.

This is going to come up again and again, since we live in the same state as the majority of my husband's enormous extended family.

Answer 1

This is a great question! I hadn't really thought about it. I'd guess I've been invited to maybe 20 showers in my life and I declined over half of them. This was partly due to legit reasons (like taking place during a final exam), partly from not knowing the person well, and partly because in my opinion it was not a legit shower. For example, the whole point of showers was to shower the bride with gifts for her new household. If someone is marrying for the second time, or already has a household, I see no need for a shower.



The thing to remember is an invite is never a summons, and no one should be criticized for being unable (or unwilling) to attend one. Also, the one thing that is still true is that these are for people closest to the bride, not every female attending the wedding and certainly not any females who aren't well known.



On the 2 gift thing, in my single days, I always figured out how much I was willing to spend on someone, and if I ended up going to 2 events, I divided it up. So it didn't cost more. I'm one who probably gives more than average to best friends and close family, and less than average to others.

Answer 2

If I can make it - I attend. If I can't make it - I usually send a gift. It all comes down to scheduling.



Now, last summer for example, I was planning my own wedding (Oct '09) and there were tons of events going on -- baby showers, wedding showers, graduations, communions, etc. -- I live out of state from most of mine & my husband's family and I just put my foot down and said "I am declining the next two invites -1 from my family, 1 from his family - and am just staying home. I can't afford the time away from my own wedding planning or the travel expenses to get back & forth nearly every weekend". And I did just that -- declined but sent a gift for the next two events.



I feel an equal obligation to my husband's family as to my own -- and that includes if the relative is male and the shower is for the woman marrying into the family.

Answer 3

Here's my thought process:



1. Am I able to make it? Am I busy? Do I have plans? Will it mean rearranging my schedule?



2. Do I want to go? Chances are I don't.



3. Do I feel obligated? Chances are I do.



Then, if it's someone close, I go if I can. If not, I make up an excuse.



While showers are not supposed to be thrown by the bride, I promise you they almost always are.



While the shower is a women's party and only you are invited, the gift is from you as a couple.

Answer 4

You know, if you DO go, you'll meet friends and relatives of the cousin who you will likely see again at the wedding. If you won't know a ton of people, meeting some will make attending the wedding more pleasant.



You're certainly not obligated to go... but don't you think it's a neat opportunity to spend time with your husband's relatives? Maybe get to know them better? You might be surprised and find some cousins, or even non-related folks in your area, who you really like talking to.



And the gift doesn't have to be expensive. You could make a little gift basket of your personal favorite lotion, perfume, bubble path, etc in sampler size. Or some candy from a local store. Or anything else that's simple and fun for her to try.

Answer 5

I attend bridal showers when I genuinely like the bride-to-be and would be happy hanging out with her in a variety of settings. If I do not like the bride-to-be or barely know her, I usually decline the shower invite. I try not to let a sense of obligation enter into the decision; that just seems too phony.

Answer 6

You don't have to justify to anyone but yourself which showers you choose to attend. Keep in mind, though, that it is NOT "surely" the bride who keeps giving people your name. It's very common these days for bridesmaids not to have a clue about etiquette, and to invite any female they can think of in order to get more gifts for the bride.



The rule of thumb is to give a gift if you attend and a card if you don't. If you really don't know the bride, though, you don't have to do anything but decline the invitation.

Answer 7

If the shower is for a family member...either mine or my husband's I go. I do not make a distinction of family by birth or by marriage. Family is family.



Quite frankly, I do not look at the shower quite as much as a gift-giving occasion as much as I view it as a family bonding activity. So, yes I go to the shower's for my husband's male cousin's bride. I am spending time and building a relationship with this side of my family....and I am welcoming the new bride into this family.



Oh, and I do not keep score and only go to an event if the guest of honor previously attended my event. I go because building and maintaining relationships is important and because they are famly, these people will be in my life for the rest of my life.



EDIT: I wouldn't assume that the bride is the one giving your name. My bridesmaids threw a shower for me and invited family members. Since my sister was one of the bridesmaids, she helped plan it and provided the names and addresses of all of the cousins and their wives for the guest list. Since I come from a hoity toity ettiquette-aware family, my sister's name was not on the shower invitation.

Answer 8

I was once in a an identical quandary with a vacation spot marriage ceremony of approximately 70 in Lake Tahoe. I selected to not have a bath, generally due to the fact that I knew the ones attending the marriage ceremony have been doling out further dollars to be there, and I type of consider (now not etiquette, simply private opinion) it is unsuitable to have a bath with a vacation spot marriage ceremony. However, it is obviously unhealthy etiquette to ask folks to a bath who are not invited to a marriage ceremony. That facet could be very clearcut. As the bride, you'll be able to decline a bath for those who wish. In reality, I had 2 folks present. If your aunt could be inclined to name it some thing else and in some way make it very transparent by means of phrase of mouth that that is NOT a present giving occasion, that could be nice. As for individuals who could wish to shop for you a present, they are flawlessly unfastened to take action, even though there is no bathe and they are now not invited to the marriage ceremony. People who elope, for instance, regularly get presents from the ones closest to them simply to honor the celebration.

Answer 9

No the bride is not the person giving the names. Typically any woman who is invited to the wedding is invited to the bridal shower, that is why you keep getting invited. If you are not close to this person or it's your husband's friend's fiance then you can easily skip it. Trust me when I say that it will not be a big deal.

Answer 10

Wow....I guess I never thought about it. When I'm invited, I always try to attend, and if I don't I usually send a little something (even if it's something small, like wine glass charms etc.). I just think showers are a nice way to cheer on the bride ahead of her day, and I remember how fun it was for me as a bride. I never feel 'obligated' to attend: I just appreciate that they thought of me.

Answer 11

Showers (both wedding and baby) are to be organized and thrown by the honouree's friends...not their family or selves. They should be attended by guests who know the honouree personally as it is supposed to be an intimate, private celebration.



If you do not know the woman, do not attend. Politely decline the invitation by saying you have a previous engagement (no need for details) and send a card, not a gift, to the bride to be.

Answer 12

I love all types of showers I just htink it is fun regardless how well i know the person. and hands down id rather buy a gift and go to a shower rather than be the person the shower is thrown for.

Answer 13

I can't stand bridal showers so I always decline going. I didn't even have one when I got married.