18 year old getting married?

Question

My friend is eighteen and planning on getting married.
Her fiancé is pushing 40 and I think this is a terrible idea.
He met her online when she was 17 and they have been together for almost 5 months now.
He purposed to her shortly after her 18th birthday and is trying to convince her to move to a different country and quit her studies to be a full time house wife.
She's always been so full of life but now she's blank, she's convinced she's in love with him but I really think she just wants someone to take care of her as she had a tough upbringing.
He's always been incredibly possessive of her and doesn't allow her out the house without a full report of where she is going and who she is going with.
She's already dependant on him as she has no job and lives with him I'm worried this is something he'll hold over her if she ever has doubts about the marriage.
He buys all her clothes and controls her make up use, he wont let her leave the house without checking what she's wearing and how much make up she has on.
She has a lot of issues she hasn't dealt with and he's playing with her mind, he constantly tells her he's the only one who understands her and she needs him in her life to control and protect her.
I recently discovered that she's been losing lots of weight now weighing 104lbs but still wants to lose more. This was triggered when he told her his ex girlfriends had been " perfect" and " gorgeous"
She finds photos of his ex girlfriends and tries her hardest to look like them including cutting her hair and dying it.
She recently collapsed down the stairs and had to be taken to hospital due to exhaustion, after a brief spell in hospital her fiancé took her home and refused to let anyone see her.
I went digging around on Facebook to find more information on him and found something really disturbing.
I found a photo of a girl who is now 22 at a friends birthday when she was 18 and she looks exactly like my friend, same clothes, make up etc....
I immediately contacted her and she said they had been together for a while and he constantly referred to her as " the love of his life" but she called it off when he wanted to get serious leaving him devastated.
I believe my friend is a replica of this girl and trying to recreate a relationship that ended long before. I presented this information to her via email but she said the past was the past and that it was merely coincidence they looked alike.
Her parents resent the relationship but the more they disapprove the more she's driven to him, lately she's even been talking of getting pregnant.
He's possessive and controlling, he does daily " phone checks" and monitors her internet and phone calls. However, she thinks nothing of it saying that it what people do when they love each other.
He is also isolating her from her friends, we have all tried to contact her but always we hear him saying no in the background.
I really want to save her but I don't know how, she's convinced she's in love and will do anything for him.
My friends and I have discussed various plans, one even involving kidnapping her to get her help and away from him but we know it's crazy.
He's poison and ruining her life, she never leaves the house or sees her friends and her entire life evolves around keeping him happy.
Please help, any advice will be greatly appreciated, she's 18 and making the wrong choice.
Thank you.

Answer 1

The tough thing about being someone's friend in this situation is that you can't force them to see the light. Your friend is an adult. She's entitled to make as many stupid decisions as she wants to make and, as an adult, she's going to be the one who is responsible for dealing with the consequences of those decisions. What you can do is take your friend aside and discuss your concerns with her face to face. This discussion needs to be less "you're making a huge mistake" and more "I'm concerned about you and here's why." Keeping it about your concerns and avoiding accusatory language is going to make this conversation go a lot more smoothly.



Be aware of the fact that your friend might still choose to disagree with you and move forward. That's her decision and you can't help that. If that's what happens, the best course of action is generally to let your friend know that you're there for her no matter what. Abandoning or otherwise disengaging with your friend over this isn't going to help her move forward. When someone is thinking of leaving an abuser, one of the first thoughts that goes through their mind is "will I have any support?" If/when your friend chooses to leave this guy, she's going to need a caring friend who can really help her. She might not see the light now, but that doesn't mean she won't figure out this guy's game later.

Answer 2

"I really think she just wants someone to take care of her as she had a tough upbringing."



Game, set, match. And this is the problem you face. When someone's self esteem is so low they would do something like this, it's natural for friends to want to step in and help. I've been through this twice. The problem is it never works. That's because there aren't any words to fix it, nor will she respond to logic. It's always something deeply buried in their psyche about how worthless they are. This is almost always parenting - they're the ones who send those early messages.



The other given is that he will turn violent if he hasn't already. He's following a textbook path in this direction: controlling, isolating, and pushing for early marriage or living together. It's not even original.



So the only advice I have is be there for her....up to a point. It's far more important that you be there for yourself, because this is a head trip. And never, ever say something like "I want to save her". If you're around her age, you may not see this yet, but you can't save someone in this situation. They have to want to save themselves. And this may take years.



Finally, tough love is never wrong. You mentioned pregnancy, and this is what permanently ended one of my friendships. She had 2 adorable toddlers who were clearly terrified of him. So I told her point blank one day either I would pick her up and take all 3 of them to a shelter, or I was calling CPS. I ended up calling CPS and I don't know what happened, but the kids were removed. And that's as it should be. I don't even want to think about what he did that terrified them.



I empathize with you, because this is really hard and it's a tough line. Be there for her, but if HER drama ever starts taking over your own life, it's time for you to move on and wish her luck.

Answer 3

I don't think her being 18 has much to do with this question. I'll be getting married at 18, and my fiance isn't like that, at all.



It really is her life, and it's her decision. You're only going to drive a wedge between you and her if you try and pry her away from him. I don't mean to sound like I'm against you, because I certainly see your point. However, you have to remember that she's an adult, and so is he. They've made the decision, however foolish it may be, to get married. Period. Point blank.



The only thing you can do now as a friend is be there to help her when she's ready and when she comes looking for it. Pushing yourself on her is only going to hurt.



A lot of people change when they fall in love. Priorities shift, personalities morph. It's for all intents and purposes "normal."



I do sympathize with you and I understand completely about you wanting to get her out of the situation she's in, but as a young bride myself, I also know that she's tired of hearing "Don't go through with it." Maybe he legitimately gives her purpose, and you're just not able to see that.



I wish you all the best, and I hope your friend and you can come to a good place in your relationship.

Answer 4

That not right at all she will regret this when she's in her early 20s keep trying to get it through her head that this situation isn't normal she needs have early 20s at least before she gets married she needs to focus on her studies and live her life if I'm honest I think the guy is a pedo why else would he be trolling the internet for young girls I would of called the police as soon as I found out about thè pair of them it's just not right infact I would still call the police on the guy :) hope I helped x

Answer 5

Who in her life does she respect and love other than him?



Go to this person and arrange an intervention with your friend present.



If that does not work, then there really is nothing you can do. She is brain washed and she is vapid as she allows him to rule her life. She may be too far gone and it is such a shame because that guy, as you know, is NO good.

Answer 6

thats actually extremely creepy. sounds like an episode of law and order. nothing good is going to come out of this. I would honestly talk to her parents and tell them everything. Shes only eighteen I think her parents can still get some control of her. he sounds like he is on the verge of becoming abusive. she has all of the signs of a battered girlfriend/fiance. I would definitely get the parents involved and maybe try and get the 22 y/o to tell ur friend that she is not headed in the right direction.

Answer 7

Tell her parents

She is probably being groomed for a visa.

You need to have a serious talk with her and tell her nicely ,how she has changed and how worried

you are about what is happening to her

He is a bully and her life with him will be horrible

Answer 8

Maybe ask her is this what you really want.



Tell her what you found out, after that hang back.

Answer 9

18 - 40 , leave them alone

Answer 10

If they are in love then its fine