My Partner's Family Still Has His Old Wedding Band - Should He Get Rid of It?

Question

My partner and I were discussing marriage and about the next steps we would like to achieve together.

He was previously married once upon a time for less than 5 years (he was relatively young when he married), has absolutely no contact with his ex, and has thrown out everything ever associated with her.

His family on the other hand has retained everything they could, from videos and photos of her as well as the two of them together, to wedding gifts, and his wedding band (his ex's gift to him... the family didn't pay for it nor was it a family heirloom). They have all described how much they hated her from the first moment they met her, and how they are so glad to be rid of her, but yet the actions seem contradictory. To top it all off, they've gone as far as to show me the videos and photos even though I've expressed how it bothers me to see my partner kissing someone else, and they make it a point to let me know that the wedding band is still in their possession.

I hope I'm not coming across as insecure about the whole situation - I am completely fine with the fact that my partner had a previous marriage with someone else, but I don't like the fact that his family makes it a point to flaunt his past to me on a regular basis.

That being said, I'm wondering if it is unreasonable of me to ask my partner to talk to his family about getting rid of the wedding ring. He never wanted to keep it, but they kept it despite his wishes. I'm thinking that if we are to move forward into our own life, then certain elements of his past might need to go. After all, they have all (my partner included) made it quite clear to me that if I'm to have any future with my partner, I'd have to get rid of reminders from my entire past (which I have).

What are your thoughts?

Answer 1

I really think that "Weirdiscomplimentary" hit that nail right on the head. Especially the edited part about it being a power maneuver.



My first question to you though is, what happens when they show you the videos & pictures? Do you (kindly) let them know that you don't wish to see them and excuse yourself from the room? Or sit there and let them go on and on about his past?



My next question is, where is your fiance in all of this? You did not mention whether or not he was present and knows that this makes you uncomfortable or are they somehow "flaunting" it to you when he isn't around?



Whatever the case, I would have a talk with him about this and see where he stands. Going by what you said about them AND him making it clear that you "need" to get rid of reminders from your past... I'd say he may have learned that power trick from his parents.



However, is it possible that they might just be completely clueless as to how hurtful they are being?



So to answer your original question, I would say... by all means, Get Rid Of It! It has absolutely no place within your relationship. Since there are no children and it is Not a family heirloom, it is nothing more than a token from a marriage gone sour.

Answer 2

The web site below explains different customs and wedding rings. If a spouse dies some people continue to wear the wedding ring.



If your boyfriend had children with his ex wife the children may want the wedding rings. If rings are an heirloom it's important to keep them. The rings could be given to another family member. It's common for people to sell rings after a divorce or have diamonds reused in other jewelry.



It's odd that his family keeps bringing up the past. You are more tolerant than most people I know. Most people would be angry watching videos of a boyfriend kissing an ex wife. Hopefully his family will accept you as his wife if you get married.

Answer 3

You write: I don't like the fact that his family makes it a point to flaunt his past to me on a regular basis.



Two suggestions.



1. Don't marry him. The family is not going to change. If this truly bothers you, don't marry him.



or . . .



2. Realize that you cannot control other people (aka the future in-laws) and resolve to let it go. When they act like this, say stuff like, "Yes, you may have an old ring . . . but I have Fiance now, and having him is all that matters."



Two completely different ways of handling it . . . and the choice is up to you.

Answer 4

Its a private determination. i does no longer positioned on it, yet it extremely is me. whilst i substitute into first pregnant, i substitute into single, relationship my son's father so no ring.. yet we did get engaged throughout the time of the being pregnant yet that reasons particularly some stares to boot - distinctive final names, engagement ring isn't the comparable as a marriage ring.. in spite of. all and sundry is often going to have some thing to declare - in spite of if youre donning a ring and you look youthful, people will stare. i could think of donning a band and not being married will in basic terms cause them to communicate greater - yet back, they do no longer rely so do what ever you're delicate with.

Answer 5

I absolutely agree that his family's actions and words are very contradictory. However, in order to keep the peace in your future family, your partner needs to be the one to broach the subject with his family.



I would talk to your partner and discuss with him the fact that this is uncomfortable to you and that you want the mementos to be discarded. He should be the one to approach the family and make the request.

Answer 6

I think instead of asking your partner to talk to them about the ring, he should talk to them about their general attitude. He should tell them that its painful for both him and you when they bring up the past in such detail, and why would they do something like that? What is wrong with them?



The fact that they have his ring is just a sidebar to a larger problem. Your partner needs to grow a pair and defend you -- and himself -- more!

Answer 7

What a strange situation! That they hate the ex so much, but still enjoy showing you pictures of her and try to slip it into conversation that they still have his ring. Do they all do this? Or is it just one member of the family? Or does his mom mention it once and then on the next visit his dad happens to mention it, etc....because they may just not realize that you're getting the message from multiple sources. They might not see it from your perspective and figure it's just a piece of info that you don't have (because they don't know/forgot that you've been told this before).



Family members can be very strange -- especially when they aren't your family. They may (unconsciously) think that you would feel relieved for them to bring up the ex and mention how much they dislike her, etc. They may not realize that they are being weird and uncomfortable. I'd talk to your partner about it and ask him to tactfully mention to your family that you'd rather not talk about his ex. If they expect you to remove all reminders of your entire past, then I think they should understand.



While we're on that, though.....do they really want you to "get rid of reminders from your entire past"? Why? What's their deal? How strange that his FAMILY told you to do this (in addition to him) and yet they don't follow their own procedures and talk to you about his ex and talk about how they haven't gotten rid of reminders of her! I find this very weird. I've never been told to get rid of reminders of my ex's and I've never felt the need to tell my partner to get rid of reminders of his ex's. In fact, he has several mementos from past relationships -- sometimes we have happy memories from times with people who aren't our current partners....doesn't mean we're still in love with our ex's, but it does mean that we, as humans, are capable of loving more than one person.....I suppose in your situation, given that everyone hated his ex-wife so much, it might be different. But to make "rules" that tell a family member that they have to get rid of all reminders of their entire past seems really bizarre and controlling.



I'd talk to your fiance about bringing this up with his family. And I'd also ask him why it's so important to him (and his family) that you remove all reminders of your past, but that he hasn't thought to do this for himself.



EDIT: I ran this by my fiance. He thinks that it's a power maneuver. That they are trying to tell you that they can sniff out "bad girlfriends" and they are subtly warning you that you can't try to hurt him because they intend to protect him. It's an intimidation tactic. Same with telling you to get rid of all reminders of your past. They're trying to make sure that you won't hurt him by making sure that your entire world revolves around him.

Answer 8

I think you should write to dear abby seriously

Answer 9

yes he should get rid of it your his woman why should he have his band from his ex's weding!

Answer 10

yes because it belonged to some one in your familey before you.