why is it rude to ask for monetary gifts as a wedding present?

Question

why is it rude to ask for monetary gifts as a wedding present?

Answer 1

You are absolutely correct that Technical Etiquette seems to fly in the face of common sense on this point. But Technical Etiquette is all about pretence and even hypocracy in the service of an ideal. True, everybody knows that weddings and wedding presents go together like good weather and crowded beaches. Nonetheless, you must pretend that gifts haven't crossed your mind. Otherwise, it might give an appearance that your inviting people for the sake of getting loot and not because you care about them and want them with you for this important event.



What has been lost in the last 40 years or so is opportunities for prospective guests and other well wishers to ASK what sort of gift the couple would like. So long as it is the GIVER who brings up the topic, and not the presumed recipient, then there is nothing incorrect about indicating that CASH would be the most appreicated gift. You should provide other options (they love cooking and are registered at Macy's) for folks who don't like giving cash, you can most certainly tell anyonw who ASKS that you want cash. The usual way of saying this was "contributions to the honeymoon fund" or "help getting into a new home."



Forty years ago response cards, save the dates, and all those other commercial fripperies had not been invented. RSVP was handled by the simple expedient of providing a phone number just below the letters RSVP on the invitation. Usually helpers handled most of the calls. People would ask the helpers about gifts, and old fashioned brides didn't have the modern problem of "How do I let people know where I'm registered without looking greedy?"



You have a gift list as a convenience for your guests. They are free to choose something from your list or not, therefore it is not dictating anything. If you receive gifts you don't want, you can try to return them or recycle them as future gifts to others. We used to register for huge numbers of bath towels and then return all but a few sets for cash. Aunt Martha will never know whether those are HER nice blue towels, or the identical towels given by Aunt Mary.

Answer 2

If you know what your new address will be, then you can include that in the wedding invitation. But no requests for gifts of money. Just say that the new Mr. and Mrs. Whoever after a certain date, will be residing at 3849578 Blah blah Street, London, England, zip code. This will be enough for the guest to know they need to ship the gift after you move, or give you money. Be sure and include the date of the move, and add a few days to it, or you will be picking up things at the post office, or shipping terminal. Most people are smart enough to know that there is not a Target in London, and that there will be nowhere to spend that store gift card. If you are in the position of receiving store gift cards that you can't use over there, go buy something small on it and take the cash change, or send family to make a purchase on/use the card, and give you the cash for it. If you know a neighbor there, or have family near where you are re-locating to you can also get somebody on the other side of the ocean to receive gifts for you. If you are given a physical gift,it's your responsibility to ship it over, take it back to the store, or give it as a gift to other people. Arm your bridesmaids and immediate family of the knowledge all of the options, and that appliances are not going to work over there. congrats, and good luck.

Answer 3

It's a breach of etiquette. However hardly anyone cares about proper manners anymore and do whatever they please no matter who it offends. The other reason it isn't done is because it makes you look greedy and no one is required to get you a gift and you aren't supposed to demand gifts of any kind. Some will argue 'why have a registry then since that is demanding gifts as well'. No it isn't. A registry is intended to help put your household together and are simply suggestions, cash is neither. Most people are not comfortable in the least giving cash gifts and are offended by the very thought of doing so. In the current economy since the entire world is in a recession, of course everyone wants money but there are countless people who are barely scraping by and can't even pay their bills and those are the same ones who you are demanding cash gifts from. If you feel that doesn't make you look greedy, then you're beyond help.

Answer 4

It's rude to ask for any gifts at a wedding, monetary or otherwise. No mention of gifts must be made on your wedding invitation, as wedding gifts are technically optional and no guest should feel pressured to buy you anything for the occasion. Of course, most people will want to give you something, and if cash is what you really want most, just have your mom or MOH and bridesmaids get the word out to the guests that the bride and groom aren't registered anywhere and would actually prefer cash to start their marriage off well. As long as you and your fiance aren't the ones saying that, it's fine. I know it's silly that you can't come right out and just say what you want, but this is how it's done.

Answer 5

It's always rude to ASK for a gift of any kind. If you post on your invitations that you would like money as a gift, that's basically asking that people bring you a gift, because you're asking for one particular thing in specific. Having a registry listed on your invitation is considered as a suggestion because it's not specific (You're not putting on each invitation what you want from that guest, like Aunt Frida, I want a Toaster from you and Aunt Flo I want a coffee pot from you etc.) and it's just there as an, in case you want to give us something this is what we could use kind of a thing. If you want money as a gift, just simply don't register anywhere for anything, once people realize that you don't have a registry they will either buy you an item that they think you would like (let's face it some people will want to get you a gift no matter what, probably to make it more personal for you) or they will give you money, because there's no other option. I don't think it's rude to want money for your gift, but it is rude to ASK for it and it's rude to put it on your invites because there is no other option money is money so if you list that you're then ASKING for it, which is impolite. Good Luck!

Answer 6

To answer your question:



Although gifting at a wedding is customary, it is certainly not an obligation. So dictating what a guest should bring to your wedding is presumptuous.



Secondly, gifting as at the discretion of the guests, and one should not dictate, demand or push for a particular gift, as this is brassy and clamorous.



Any preferences for gift should be done via word of mouth, never on paper. Keep in mind that registries and other forms of ways to communicate your preferences are a **wish** and by no means are supposed to be orders to your guests.



A wedding is the event where you will showcase your manners and everyone will know your true colors on your wedding day.



Good luck



EDIT TO ADD: Please read what I said about registries, those are suggestions that can be conveyed in a polite way, but never on paper and they should NEVER an obligation or a rule, but simply, a guideline. Remember that registries are the invention of merchants and I've seen crude, tacky couples here in Y! putting coupons and lists on their invitations, along with bank account numbers and other revolting, disgusting ways of making themselves look like greedy, unconsiderate barbarians offending everyone that they know.

And third, and most important, a LADY never asks for anything (she can kindly suggest when asked, whereas is a registry or cash), and she will graciuosly accept ANY gift given at their wedding. (I've seen people in Y! scolding their guests for not buying stuff from the registry and even going as far of printing in the invites that any other gift is "unnaceptable" . What is unnaceptable is people's lack of manners. But you do as you wish, once more, people will know what class you belong on your wedding day. If in your social circle being tacky, tastless, brassy and rude is the norm, then it should not be any difference.

Answer 7

"I totally agree with Karla, however the difference is, its a wedding and without sounding greedy you know you will get gifts"



Actually, you don't know you will get gifts from everybody. I had several people show up at my wedding who never got us anything. I know their financial situation may not be that good, and I wouldn't have wanted them to feel like they had to buy a gift to come to our wedding. If we invited people to our wedding, it was because we wanted them there not because we wanted their gifts. Also, some people who didn't want to show up empty-handed but couldn't afford much bought us things where we couldn't tell the exact price. I know several of these people couldn't even have comfortably afforded the minimum amount that is supposed to be spent on a check, but getting a gift gave them an easy out instead of having to show up completely empty-handed.

Answer 8

Hi. Here is my advice/thoughts.



First of all, you must be in the UK as you refer to "pounds" and not dollars. Well, here in the U.S., most brides/grooms have registries. I guess this is not popular in the UK, but it is here in the U.S. As Blunt stated, these registries are simply "ideas" of what the bride/groom wish for. I am really sorry, but I am just laughing when you refer to the 20 towel sets; 10 toasters, etc. That is WHY we have registries here in the U.S. The couple registers for ONE toaster. When that is purchased, it is scanned at the register and taken OFF the registry. So, it eliminates all of the 20 towel sets, 10 toasters that you are referring to!! It just doesn't happen.



Yes, in today's society, I can see why money is preferred, but it just is not proper etiquette to ASK for money.



Here is what the couples in your situation do here in the U.S., and this is the advice that I have given over and over and over.....



If, in fact, all you want/need is money, then (at least here in the U.S.), you simply do NOT register. Give your guests the common courtesy to use the brain that they were given. It is really not that hard to figure out. If a couple is not registered, then, of course, I give a card with money.



Now, however, since you are in the U.K. and it is not customary to register for gifts....well, I don't know. Do what is customary in your country. But, I would think that WORLDWIDE it is unacceptable to come right out and ask for money.

Answer 9

You never ask for money no matter if it's a wedding or birthday or what ever. It's also being kind of greedy. The main reason for getting married is for love not to see how much money you can get.

Answer 10

its not wrong to say you would like money instead of a present.



times have changed and as of this most marrying couples will already be living together these days and already have all the toasters kettles towel bails they could possibly need.



if your asked by close family and friends what would you like and you say money then that is fine.



why would you want a garage full of spare toasters and kettles.



lots of thumbs down i notice for the people who say its ok to say you would like money so im expecting a few myself lol but dont care

Answer 11

I think it's rude to ask, because you are inviting them to celebrate you and your fiance getting married. They don't have to bring a gift at all...so to request something specific is rude. IF you are takling about wedding gifts, not shower gifts, then most people do give money as opposed to an actual gift. So there's really no need to step on toes.

Answer 12

Because it's begging and extremely cheeky.



EDIT; If you are talking about a gift list then depending on your income you can choose a gift more suited to what you can afford whereas with money there is a risk that you could look tight/mean. thats my opinion anyway.

Answer 13

People are uncomfortable giving money and it's grossly rude to ask them to do so. If someone had the nerve to say that to me I would send them a card wishing them a wonderful wedding and marriage and that would be the extend of my gift.

Answer 14

I've heard of people writing out a list of all the things they'd like to do on their Honeymoon, from the flights and nights in hotels, to things like boat trips and rock climbing, and putting the price next to it, that way people can choose which experience they'd like to contribute to, and it doesn't make you feel as guilty as just 'asking for money'. Also, add something like 'If you were considering buying us a wedding present, here's a link to a rather unconventional gift list...'

Answer 15

We're asking for donations towards... (In our case a rangemaster) then they can actually see their gift when they visit! I think this is a nice alternative to just asking for cash as people still feels they've bought a something

Answer 16

I know of a few people who've had wishing wells at their weddings rather than receiving gifts.

You just send out a little poem with the invitations saying not to buy presents and to put money in the well instead. Something along the lines of this:

More than just kisses so far we've shared,

Our home has been made with Love and Care,

Most things we need we've already got,

And in our home we can't fit a lot!

A wishing well we thought would be great,

(But only if you wish to participate),

A gift of money is placed in the well,

Then make a wish .... but shhh don't tell!

Once we've replaced the old with the new,

We can look back and say it was thanks to you!

And in return for your kindness, we're sure

That one day soon you will get what you wished for.



There are a lot of wishing well poems online, just goggle "wedding wishing well".

Answer 17

I guess it's because it seems you're taking advantage of ppl. You hv a point though but you know,asking ppl for money kind of makes u seem like a money-minded person. I don't know.

Answer 18

not at all rude thats my husband and i did very successful



this is a poem we used on the invites



If you were thinking of giving a gift, to help us on our way.

A gift of cash towards our house, would really make our day.

However, if you prefer to purchase a gift, feel free to surprise us in your own way

Answer 19

Because it shows that you are assuming you are "owed" any gift at all. Gifts should never be expected, but should always be graciously appreciated for the thought, not the value.

Answer 20

i agree, maybe its meant to be the thought that counts and not the actual product.

Answer 21

It isn't rude to ask for money instead of gifts.



My mates just cycled home from their wedding on a 'just married' tandem bicycle covered in flowers. Weddings don't even haveto be expensive.....

Answer 22

i dont think it is wrong if thats what you would rather then there i no problem in asking

x

Answer 23

im having a honeymoon registry which is basically asking for money. i have asked my friends to be completely honest with me and here's what they said



it is more convenient to put money in and envelope than it is to go to your registry in a store find out what you want and 9 times out of 10 go some where else to get it at a cheaper price.

me and my fiancee are living together we have what we need and money isnt exactly flowing so we need it to go on our honeymoon



to hell with what everyone else says DO IT , its your wedding