what to do about a bridesmaid that's not communicating?

Question

I am getting married in just 4 months, with a rather formal and elegant wedding. I have enough stress as a bride putting everything together. Problem right now is that one of my bridesmaids isn't returning my calls (it's been over 3 weeks) and isn't responding to my emails. She also isn't returning calls to my MOH, who is trying her best to stay on top of details for the bridal party. Last I knew of, this bridesmaid still hasn't ordered her gown. I've been told that it can take up to 3 months to get in. When I asked each of these ladies to be in my wedding, I was very upfront about their costs. I am providing all accessories, including shoes and handbags. They need only pay the $135 for their gown. All agreeed right away. However, this bridesmaid visited me about a month ago (I live out of state from everyone in the bridal party) and she stated that she's never had to pay for her own bridesmaid dress, and doesn't know anyone that has before either. Huh? I gently explained to her that I told her the cost up front, and that with our wedding budget, we just can't take on paying for the bridesmaid's dresses. What I do for her, I feel I should do for everyone. Now I have gifts and accessories for her...including an engraved bracelet from Tiffany and Co. with her name on it, and don't know what to do. I don't want to harrass her further, but I need to know what's going on. I don't want to kick her out of the wedding, b/c then I'm out of the money spent on gifts and the prepaid spot at rehearsal dinner for her and her b/f @ $125 per person a plate!! Any suggestions?? I am stressed.

Answer 1

Yes, I have a suggestion.



Call her up and give her an ultimatum. Tell her: Dear X, since you have not answered to my calls and emails I'm assuming that you are no longer interested of being part of the bridal party. If after X date yo haven't responded I have no choice but to replace you.



I had a similar situation to yours. I ended up practicaly hunting her down weeks before the wedding to get her to send her RSVP . She didn't answer my calls or emails either and I simply didn't have time for this crap. When I gave her an ultimatum, she finally called (3 weeks before the wedding) and told me that she was coming, with an uninvited guest and that she didn;t ahve money for x and y. I ended up fotting the bill for some of her expenses (which is fine as we are financially able to do so), but this ended up creating more problems that it was worth. I feel used now. I paid for part of her hotel bill and her transportation. Her date went to the hotel bar and drank his heart out, leaving us with the bill, as he didn't have any money either. Since they didn't have money to paricipate in other events, they skipped them and only participated in the ones that we were paying for, which is fine, but on those events the actually BAGGED the food to take back to the hotel. She didn't bother to show up to the rehearsal, but on time for the rehersal dinner.



Also, they didn't bother to bring a gift, or at the very least a card... or at the bare minumum... a thank you. At the end, they partied the entire weekend at our expense, with free food and drinks and we didn't even have a card to show for the "honor" of their presence.



It's not worth it. Boot her out.



Good luck



EDIT: My wedding was also a destination wedding. She also skipped the shower and the bachelorette party citing financial concerns, which is fine. I really didn;t want to be bridezilaish or demanding and try to accomodate her as much as I could. She ended up costing us $1000 on top of her BM gift, the rehearsal dinner ($80 per person) and the reception (at $300 per person!) between transportation, lodging and her date's charges to the room and his unpaid bar tab. She gave me nothing but embarrassment. She was obviouly jealous that I had such a magnificent, luxirious wedding. IMO, people that cannot afford being a BM and participate, simply should decline. If you are not good enough for her to pay for a dress and attend your shower, then she's not worth it as a BM. TRUST ME. I know this is hard, but I wish that I had the gall to boot her out when I could.. all the signs were there and I chose to be "polite" instead. Some people are jelouse that they cannot have a wedding like yours and will abuse your generosity. I would never regret being polite and generous, but I do regret being not having the spine to boorher out when all my senses were telling me to do it.

Answer 2

Sounds like she is using every excuse in the book. I think she wants a free trip to Vegas and wants you to foot the bill for it. You told her upfront that she would be paying for her dress so she knew about it when she agreed to be a bridesmaid, just like she knew it was a destination wedding and that means paying for her own hotel and expenses for the weekend apart from the wedding. She could have declined your offer if she didn't have the money for it or didn't want to pay for it.

Send her a letter and tell her that if she doesn't respond to you by a certain date then you are going to assume that she doesn't want to be a part of the wedding anymore. See if you can get the engraving on the bracelet off and either keep it for yourself or save it for someone else for a gift. also, you should be able to adjust the count for the rehearsal dinner since it is still 4 months away and they probably don't need a final count until a week or two before. As for the complaint about the dress, bridesmaids usually pay for their own dresses unless the bride is able to do so. You are being extra generous buying shoes and accessories which can get very expensive so she should be able to pay her own dress. I am assuming of course that the cost is reasonable, not like 500 bucks or something outrageous like that.

Answer 3

If she's not returning your calls and your emails, and she's not returning calls to your MOH, then what you have is a former bridesmaid.



Send her a short polite note by snail mail and say that since you are not able to reach her, you have no choice but to relieve her of her bridesmaid duties. Wish her well and say you hope to see her at the wedding as an invitation will be forthcoming.



Then be sure to send an invitation.



As for the bracelet from Tiffany, take it back and have them polish and re-engrave with the name of someone else, or just polish it blank and save it to give as a present to someone else for another occasion.



As for paying for bridesmaids' dresses - that can go either way. Some brides are able to pay for everything, some are not. Since you were upfront about the costs, if this particular bmaid had an issue with cost, she should have declined right then. Since she did not, it's her bad for accepting and then leaving you hanging.



Now, what to do about a missing bridesmaid? Nothing. You do not need to fill that slot if you don't really want to and since time is getting close anyway, the person you ask to fill in might bristle at being a "fill in" bmaid. Does your groom have more gmen than you have bmaids? No problem. Just have the last 2 gmen escort the lone bmaid. It's done all the time.



Hope the rest of your planning goes smoothly for you!

:-)

Answer 4

I would try to call her a few more times. If she doesn't respond in a weeks time then the next call that you should be making is a call saying that if she doesn't have the courtesy to return your phone calls then you don't want to give her the honor of being in the bridal party. You can explain to her that you told her about the costs upfront - usually the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses.

After that just be done with her. You don't need people like that in your life. If she calls back saying sorry I honestly would just invite her as a guest. I had one of my girls do this to me. First she was ignoring me, then she said she was sorry and I forgave her. 4 weeks later she was ignoring me again - at that point I had finally had it. I didn't bother to try to contact her and she didn't contact me. I didn't need that kind of friend in my wedding or in my life. Just do yourself a favor now and get it over and done with.

I'm sorry you had to deal with the added stress. I know exactly how you feel - but just try to let it go and be thankful for the girls that you do have in your bridal party.

Answer 5

If you are really that stressed about it, you should give her an ultimatum. Call her and send her email letting her know that if you do not hear from her within 7 days she will no longer be a part of your bridal party. It sounds like at this point the only reason you haven't done this already is because of the money. But is it really worth all the stress? Is there someone else you can ask to take her place? Can Tiffany & Co. remove the engraving and change it to a new name? Better to cut your losses and save yourself the stress. You have enough to worry about with planning your wedding. You don't need someone who is supposed to be one of your closest friends adding to that stress. And I have never been to, been in, or heard of a wedding where the bridesmaids were not expected to pay for their own dresses.

Answer 6

I agree -you are frustrated, and not unjustifiably - if she can't be in your wedding or has changed her mind she needs to be mature enough to tell you. Communication is SO important! You may have answered your own question... she said she doesn't have any money to spend.



Leave her a message and ask her to please call you back because you need to know if she is going to be able to be in your wedding. Let her know again, how long it may take for the dresses to come in.



She may have some serious financial setback or who only knows what else going on. She may have thought she'd have the money and really doesn't.



Tell her that their being there is enough of a gift and they do not have to give you something.

Answer 7

I have to agree with everyone else. Enough is enough. Send her a letter saying that if you don't hear from her in X number of days then you'll understand she no longer wants to be part of the bridal party and leave it at that. Take the bracelet to Tiffany's and have them remove the name, or if they can't take it off, put it on ebay and sell that sucker! Hopefully she has a common name and you'll be able to recoup some of your money. As for her spot at dinner, talk to the caterer and see if they'll refund it since you're giving them advance notice.



I'm sorry you're getting stressed out, but this person really sounds like someone who's trying to get a free all-expense-paid trip to Vegas. You don't sound like a jerk. You sound like a frustrated person who's been betrayed by someone you cared about. I hope it turns out okay, but please to stress yourself out more.

Answer 8

I agree. Let her go. If she doesn't feel it's important enought to do her part, then she's not important enough to be in the wedding. My own cousin did it to me. And she missed the deadline for getting her dress. Done -- she's out.



Send her a note and say, if I don't hear from you within 48 hours, I'll assume you're not going to participate. Tell her if she does want to be a part of it, she needs to step it up. And then just let it go. Don't harrass her, but don't stress yourself out over it. Even though you've already spent the money on her, it will be less stressful if you know now that she's not wanting to take part instead of worrying about it over the next four months. The best thing I did was just let it go. You've got many other things to worry about!!

Answer 9

Good lord, Tiffany? Wow, you would think that she would get over herself for that alone! But at this point, there isn't much you can do except find another or delete one bridesmaid altogether. Do you have a young cousing who could step in as a junior bridesmaid maybe?

Answer 10

I'm sorry to say, but this doesn't sound good and you need to get to the bottom of this now!

I'm getting married next month. One of the groomsman had not been returning my fiance's phone calls. Yesterday in the mail I got back his rsvp card and it said he wasn't attending! Apparently that was his way of telling us that he was no longer in the wedding.



Edit: DO NOT listen to that "flutter" person...it is NOT your responsibility to pay for a bridesmaids gown! I've been a bridesmaid MANY times...and bought my own dress everytime!

Answer 11

get rid of her. that's what i did with mines. when it was time to get sized for the dresses she was no where to be found. when it came down to other things she was always busy

Answer 12

Stop being a jerk. To be honest, it IS your responsibility to pay for the gowns. That's tradition, regardless of the gentle explanation of costs. She came to you and spoke with you about the situation. It really sounds like you're being a bridezilla and she is likely turned off by you and may not even care to be in your wedding at this point. You should've been more careful and considerate of others in regards to your "wedding budget." Was it really necessary to purchase engraved Tiffany and Co. bracelets? That money should've gone towards the purchase of the gowns. It's your loss. You should apologize or quit whining.



***However*** She should DEFINITELY let you know if she DOESN'T want to participate. Avoiding the situation is only making it worse. I have NEVER had to purchase a gown, by the way.