Should I be concerned that my fiance has not told his parents yet we are getting married?

Question

We are getting married June 28th of 2008. We have been planning the wedding the past three months. We have already paid deposits on the church, caterer and the reception hall. He is the only child to his parents. His mom treats him as a mama's boy. I do not have my ring yet but will be getting it within the few weeks. He states he doesn't want to tell his family and friends until it is official with me having the engagement ring. Don't you think he would be excited to tell his family especially his mom? I even asked him during a conversation the other day is it because he mom would not approve of me ( i have only met her once at this past xmas) and he said that his mom has never quite approved of his past relationships. Does this kinda bring up a red flag that his mom dicates a lot in his life and could be hard to please and get along with? Plus I have asked him if his mom wants to look at dresses with me and etc.....He said she that she wouldn't be interested. :(

Answer 1

The way I see it...

Your fiance is a mama's boy... He doesn't want to be a mama's boy, but he is..



He knows his mama well enough to know that she will not approve of the wedding. So, if he tells her, she'll be mad.. If he doesn't tell her, she'll still be mad, but she won't be able to stop it..



Okay, so he figures the best way for his wedding to get off to a good start is not to tell mama until she can't stop things.. As soon as she knows she's be crying and trying to stop things. She will blame you for stealing her boy, and will hate you... Okay, so your relationship with your mother-in-law will not get off on a good start..



So you'll have to be prepared to deal with an irrational hot tempered mother-in-law. That said, I think there is still hope. You and your fiance need to talk about how you would deal with the situation.. Hopefully your mother-in-law will learn that she needs to give you a chance to play a positive role in her boy's life. I hope that she learns that you were a positive factor in her life too. Once you give her a grandchild then everything will change.

Answer 2

My fiance didn't tell his mother for about 4 months. The reason was way different though. They had been in a little bit of an argument and both were too stubborn to call the other. He refused to be the first one to call. All is fine now. Turns out his mom didn't even notice he hadn't called and was just really busy with some family stuff that had come up. She lives about 800 miles away, so its not entirely uncommon for them to go long periods of time without speaking. Because they live so far away, even though we've been together for 4 years, I've only met them a couple of times. We've talked on the phone and sent cards back and forth as much as we can though. However, in your situation, I might be a little concerned. Is there a good reason you've only met her once? Did you get along with her pretty well when you did meet her? If by the time you have the ring, he doesn't tell his mother within a week, I would really start to worry. I had to threaten to call my fiance's mother myself and he eventually got over being stubborn, but even that almost backfired. If he comes up with another excuse not to call and tell her, you may have to put your foot down or at least reevaluate whether you really want to marry this man. Remember that you're not just marrying him. You're marrying his family too. No matter what anyone may tell you, getting along with his family makes a huge difference in the stability of your relationship. However, just to give him the benefit of the doubt, wait until you get the ring before you really start to worry. Maybe he's worried his mother won't take it seriously if you don't have a ring yet. It may be embarrassing to him that you don't have it yet. One of the first things a person says to a woman when she becomes engaged is, "Let me see the ring!" He knows his family and how they will react better than you do, so try to be a little patient. As for dress shopping, you should ask her to go yourself. Even if she declines it would show her that you thought enough of her to ask and its the polite thing to do. Who knows, could even win yourself some brownie points. Good luck. I hope it all works out for the best.

Answer 3

Another way to look at it is that once he has the ring on your finger his Mother will think it's too late to raise any major fits. My Mom was kind of the same way with my brother - but when she knew he had gotten the ring that he was past the 'talked out of it' stage. I'm guessing that since you've only met her once that you do not live in the same vicinity. That in itself is a good thing and a good sign - he had the courage to move away from Mom, which tells me he's not as under her thumb as you think. She probably does have some influence, but he's not being controlled by her.



As for dress shopping, I agree with the other posters - all you can do is ask. Just because he thinks she won't want to go, he doesn't know for sure. Sometimes even if she turns you down, she'll still respect you more for just asking, and would be ticked even more if you didn't.



Good Luck!

Answer 4

just a quick question to add to the good stuff already on this board..... do you not have a ring yet even tho you have been engaged for over 3 months. is it because he does not have the money? is it because it is something you both picked out or designed and it is right now this very minute being made? do you know exactly when you are going to get it? or is there some unknown reason that you are unsure about, that is, you dont really know why you do not have a ring yet, but he keeps telling you it will be a few more weeks, and, then you can announce your date. cause if that is what he is saying, it just may mean that he is stalling. and that can be a bad sign.

Answer 5

Sounds like you already know the answer. How long have you been together? Maybe that's the reason he doesn't want to tell them yet, if it hasnt been that long. I think maybe after you get the ring, make it a point to go over and see his mother. If YOU have to tell her, then tell her. There seems to be something amiss here. If you cant have total communication between the two of you, theres one red flag. You need to be able to talk about everything deeply. You need to be able to trust each other and it sounds like that may be another red flag. Getting married isn't about the wedding or the parents or the bridesmaid dresses....its about loving someone and being able to work things out, to RESPECT each other and to have fun with each other. You need to ask him to set a date to tell his mother and if he refuses, find out the real reason why. He should be proud that you are his wife-to-be and that you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, whether momma approves or not. He has chosen you because he loves you and you make him happy.....that should be enough for momma.

Answer 6

I think what you should do is try to get to know your fiance's mother before you announce your engagement that way she doesn't feel like her son is getting married to someone that is a complete stranger to her. She may be a little difficult (lots of mother-in-laws can be) but it's good to make an effort and show your fiance that there's nothing to worry about. I think he is just afraid to get any type of negative reaction from his mom, but if you get to know her everything will be easier to settle into and then once you both announce the engagement ask her if she'd like to go shopping for a dress together (guys don't always know) which would also show her that you want her to be a part of your wedding and a part of your lives :)

Answer 7

I understand where you're coming from. He should be excited to tell his Mom that he is engaged. But I also understand him wanting to tell her when the ring is on your finger..... I think it's kind of a guy thing, you know, like he doesn't want to be embarrased when everyone asks to see the ring and there isn't one yet. My boyfriend doesn't want to tell anyone we plan on getting married until he gets the ring. I could care less about showing off a diamond, but I do want announcing to be special for the both of us, and if he needs a ring to be involved then so be it. Best of luck.

Answer 8

I wouldn't say it's a red flag unless he comes up with another excuse after excuse. My husband didn't want us to tell anyone until we were all gathered at his parents house for Easter. Had nothing to do with wanting to wait because he was ashamed...he just wanted the moment we announced it to be special and have everyone included on the big celebration! Don't worry just yet. Let this be a happy time for you two and once you get the ring, start making arrangments and plans for how to annouce it to everyone!

Answer 9

Send them a box with your wedding invitation AND a bunch of baby stuff and possibly an invite to a baby shower if you want to plan that far ahead. One thing I learned about parents disagreeing with your choice in a spouse...It is NOT their decision. My husbands family despised me, my family despised him, we invited them all to the wedding and on our wedding day they managed to accept it. We have went far past the time they thought we would and are happily married for nearly 2 years now. Don't worry about what your parents think, it is your life. And I would honestly say, as I told my mother and father, If you dont accept him as part of your family then dont accept me..He is going to be my husband and we ARE going to have a baby, with or without your approval. I'm very happy for you and congrats on the lil one, we've been trying for a year. Your child isnt a burden, but a blessing and thats how your family should see it.

Answer 10

I would drop the subject and wait until you get the engagement ring. Then bring up the subject of his telling the family. If he continues to not tell them you have a serious problem.

Yes, his Mom sounds like trouble, but you're not marrying his Mom.

Answer 11

Take a deep breath and wait until the ring is on your finger. This way when people want to see the ring the two of you can show it off proudly and not have to explain "it's on the way." If he doesn't tell his parents when you get the ring then I would start to question him and his actions. But just sit tight until your left hand starts to sparkle.

Answer 12

Yep a definite RED FLAG, a marriage is about love and commitment what more beautiful than to share one of the most important decision in your life with his family and your family and friends.



I think he will marry you cause he wants to let his mother see that his a grown up and he can take responsibility of his life.



Now you should try to get in touch with his mother and let her see you are a kind woman and you are not there as an intruder but as a newcomer daughter in law.



You will see his reaction, if he reacts like shocked but calm is ok but if he act nervous or mad I think he's hiding something.



Good Luck and Congrats!!

Answer 13

How long have you been engaged?



Sounds like he wants to wait for the engagement ring to be on your finger. I would not be too concerned UNLESS the "few weeks" turns out to be longer than a "few weeks" or he makes up another excuse to not tell his mom while you have the ring on your finger.



When it is announced, go ahead and ask his mom, NOT him, if she wants to go with you to look at dresses.

Answer 14

your fiance has answered your question by saying she would not be interested in looking at dresses with you. I see it as he is afraid of telling his mom because he is moms baby boy. So i would wait till he put that ring on your finger and i would have dinner with both your parents over and make a big enouncment to everyone and then see how she reacts.

Answer 15

Yes.



I have a friend where this occurred. He never invited his parents to the wedding, because they did not approve of his choice. Also none of his friends were invited, even his best man. None of his friends or family approved.



They have been married for 10+ years, it was rough for them at first. The bride still resents his family.

Answer 16

i agree that he's probably waiting for the ring to tell his parents. he's probably scared that it would make him look bad to be announcing your engagement with no ring. once you've got your ring, if he still doesn't want to tell him, then you've got a problem.



once you've announced your engagement, ask his mother yourself if she'd like to go dress shopping with you. that would be showing her that you want her to be included in your lives, so that may help her like you more. ask her opinions on decorations, and ask her if there are any special traditions with her family that could be included in your wedding. good luck!

Answer 17

yes definatly red flags..... i think she doesnt approve of you... why else wouldnt he tell her? at first i thought he really wasnt into marrying you but then i read on to the deposit parts.... so i kind of think he is serious... what i would do is insist on telling them because lets say they dont like you.. and keeping this from them might get them to not trust you too.... you didnt say anything of getting along with her you just said that you only met her once BUT if you do not get along with her think about alot of stress coming your way.... especially if he is the only child! they will say that you dont treat him well, feed him ect!!! i know from experiance whatever you do treat her with respect and if she doesnt stop then just distint yourself....but lets hope it the ring.... just wait a little longer then get everyones sugestions

Answer 18

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! If he hasn't told his parents yet tell him you will. Thats awful. I had a mama's boy for a boyfriend once and he wouldn't tell them aboout a condition I have....I made him tell them or else I'd break it off....and they didn't even give a crap....we ended up breakin up because his mother told him to after he and I had an arguement.



Your marrriage is official, ring or no ring...you've done your deposits and to me that is official enough. He needs to tell them now, or else I'd think about walking.

Answer 19

OK so what I don't understand...why don't you have a ring yet? it's obviously not money, because you have put the deposits on the church and caterer and venue. Something is not quite right here....

Answer 20

The wedding is a year away i dont think you have anything to worry about. if he is still keeping it a secret after you get the ring then have a talk with him. Don't worry yourself just enjoy planning your wedding.

Answer 21

Total red flag hun. My fiance and I told almost everybody that we were close to the say after his proposal. He should be more excited about it... or possibly he's ashamed that he hasn't gotten the ring yet and he's afraid his mom will feel it's not official enough without one.

Answer 22

I am going to say no, as a blow to his ego.



When a woman says she's engaged, the FIRST thing that happens is people say congrats, then SECOND they say "let's see the ring".



If he hasn't gotten you one yet, he may see it a blow to his ego to announce it to everyone and then have to explain the absence of a ring.

Answer 23

Wow. How utterly insulting!! Yes, this is a problem. I'd stop planning and deal with this issue first.

Answer 24

You've met his mother only once?! Are you insane? How would she ever accept you if she only knows your effing name? Retard YOU are the red flag if you don't try to get to know her.

Answer 25

of course, why is he hiding you? The two of you should have gone and told his parents right away to share the joy!

Answer 26

Oh, dear. Red flags, red flags, red flags......................