Mother of the Groom is asking to be included in too much? I am the MOB-How can I rein her in?

Question

Ever since my daughter got engaged, her FMIL has been an issue. She insisted on coming wedding dress shoppings and too fittings and cried bloody murder when my daughter told her that she just wanted to share that time with me. Then she decided she was going to choose her dress before me, the Mother of the Bride and was upset when I told her that etiquette wise, I choose my gown first. The FMIL is also upset that my husband and I are paying for the wedding. She said that people are going to think that she and her husband live in a trailer park. This woman also had the nerve to say that my involvement in my daughter's wedding is "double dipping" because I am a caterer and I know a ton of vendors since I have catered many weddings ( I will not directly cater my daughter's wedding-my assistant will). The FMIL also says that I am trying to "hog" the spotlight, because I have only one child. Where does she get this from and how can I prevent her from upsetting my daughter anymore than she has and stop her from causing drama at the wedding?

Answer 1

I would say give her something to do. Something that will make her feel apart of the event and big day but something that she cant screw up.If you try to just include her in more then she will more likely shut up and feel content. I think that the bride should also talk to the groom about his mom and have him intercede a little since he is the middle ground. this shouldn't be a battle of the mothers. Help her remember that this is about your children not the mothers or anyone else for that matter. Good luck! And hope it all turns out well.

Answer 2

First take a deep breath and step back for a minute. Does the FMIL have any daughters? If not consider how she may feel not being able to the be the MOB ever. Personally I think your daughter should have invited her to at least one dress fitting, its a time for mothers and daughter to bond. You have to consider that your daughter is becoming a part of this woman's family, it would be in good taste to include her in things. There is no such etiquette about who gets to buy their dress first. Is she supposed to just wait around until you deem it okay for her to go shopping? As long as the bride approves the colors and selection, it doesn't matter who gets their outfit first. If she wants to contribute to the wedding expenses suggest that she and her husband host the rehearsal dinner (which is traditionally done) and the honeymoon. If the FMIL is totally unreasonable, have a sit down talk with her like adults, or enlist the assistance of your FSIL.

Answer 3

Weddings are an exciting time for both the bride's & groom's families. Since it's traditionally the mother-of-the-bride's role to help with all the wedding planning, the mother-of-the-groom often gets left out when she really wants to be involved. One great way to involve her is to have her host and plan the rehearsal dinner. Traditionally this dinner is hosted by the groom's family but often is a forgotten/last minute event that is thrown together. However, with planning, you can really transform the event from a traditional dinner party to a truly exceptional and unforgettable event that kicks off the weddings in style! PLUS, then your FMIL has something to do and focus her energies on! I work with MOGs across the country to make this a special event for their son's and FDIL. Let me know if I can be of any help. I can also send some information to your FMIL about her role and the rehearsal dinner. Happy Planning!

Answer 4

First, it's hard for the MOG's because traditionally they do have very little involvement.



You need to tell her as the mother of the bride AND the hostess (since you are paying for it) it's your show....and THAT is tradition when it comes to weddings, therefore the wedding planning 'spotlight' does belong to you, however......



she should be invited to go when her son & his guys are fitted for their tuxes WITH the understanding the choice in tux is not hers. If she can avoid causing problems with the choices made, the MOG can pay for the flowers and the booze at the reception...AND the wedding rehearsal dinner is her baby entirely.....tell her that is where the MOB 'shines'-throwing a great rehearsal dinner the day or two before the wedding.



..and PLEASE, to avoid trouble, include the groom's parents in the wedding invite as ' John Doe, son of Mr & Mrs. Frank Doe '....it's a simple courtesy that will prevent a lot of trouble and yet it in no way implies they are hosting the wedding....good luck and have patience, and tell MOG that YOU, not your daughter, is in charge since it's tradition & your money so all 'problems' are to be addressed to YOU...and hang tough, Hon.



...if it gets too out of hand threaten to give the couple the wedding money and insist they elope...that will do MOG out of any kind of wedding and it may 'rein her in'. My Mom did that with my first marriage and all the nonsense (gossip) at my MIL's end stopped.

Answer 5

She's just excited about her child getting married. This is a big day for her, just as it is for you. She needs to understand that you pick your gown first but I hope you understand that you will have to tell her what style and formality your dress is so that she can pick hers accordingly. I don't know how you're going to get that piece of information across to her without finding it on the internet or in a magazine and showing her. Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't stress over the dress issue. Most people know who is supposed to get their dress first and they also know that she is supposed to choose her dress based on your selection. So if she turns up with something completely different, she'll be the one who looks silly, not you. Have you told her that one of her roles is to pay for the rehearsal dinner? That can be quite expensive (ours is $150 a person). But you and your daughter have to understand that since she's paying for it, she'll have a lot of say so in it and you just have to be patient with her. As far as her saying you're 'double dipping' ... that's ridiculous. So what if you know a bunch of vendors. That's a plus. Especially since you and your husband are paying for the wedding. This day is very important and exciting to both mothers. More importantly, this day is about the bride and groom...no one else, not even their mothers. I hope that you and your future son in law's mother can work all of this out for the sake of the children. I don't think it's worth the aggravation in the big picture. Imagine if you and her bicker the entire time this wedding is being planned...what will it be like when you become grandmothers?!?!



PS. If your daughter is that set against her futurue mother in law joining her in dress shopping, then maybe she shouldn't mention it to her.

Answer 6

Ok so you both need to sit down and talk about the things that are bothering both of you. You are all going to be related once your daughter and her son get married. Let her know that there are some traditions that your family would like to do .... eg. brides family pay for the wedding and mother of the bride picking her dress first. When doing this though remember that the Groom's family may have some traditions of their own that they would like to do. If she insists on helping pay for something suggest she help the new couple pay for thier honeymoon or something along those lines. Above all things rememeber that this day is about your daughter and her husband to be, it is the day that they declare their love for one another and family arguments are not going to help.

Answer 7

I agree with the first poster. I sincerely hope you aren't involving your daughter, although it sounds like you are. You two (you and the FMIL) need to seriously get control of yourselves. You are angry at her, but letting her know 'etiquette wise' you go first? Come on, you were putting her in her place.



You both look like a@#es in my opinion. The gracious thing to do would be to include whenever possible, it is her child getting married as well. How about choosing dresses together?? There are a million things you can do to help here, share the cost, let her pay for reception.

Answer 8

If the groom's mom is contributing financially to the marriage, then maybe. yet whilst she's not, that's positive to invite, yet be arranged for the couple to say no. EDIT: Upon reading different responses, I hadn't seen that if those human beings weren't on the focused visitor record intially, then there's a clarification for that. If the groom's mom needed particular human beings to be invited, she ought to have stated this with the couple jointly as the focused visitor record became being arranged.

Answer 9

yeah that woman should have had a daughter so she could go through what you're going through on her own! I didn't know there was etiquette for the mother of the bride to pick her dress first, as long as the bride approves the attire for each member of the wedding party who cares who is first. if she's so concerned with paying for the wedding tell her it's customary for the groom's parents to host the rehearsal dinner, hopefully that'll shut her up.

Answer 10

How close are you to the Groom? HE WOULD BE YOUR TICKET TO HAPPINESS if you are. I say you have the groom try and rein her in... if he doesn't want to or it doesn't work... I would take her for a "girls lunch" and have a chat. Does she have any daughters? If not... she may be trying to live "the daughter she never had"s wedding through your daughter. She is causing WAY too much drama for the bride... and me being a bride my self... I can personally say I wish someone would have stepped in and defended me sometimes instead of ME having to do all the talking and defending. Just think of a nice polite way you can say all of this to her. If for some reason she STILL doesn't get the picture after your polite talk... time to get ruff and tell her exactly how it is and you will NOT have her ruining your only daughters wedding... PERIOD!



Good luck! :)



EDIT: Another suggestion would be to ask them to pay for the rehersal dinner and honeymoon... that way the bride and groom can thank them in their rehersal dinner speech for hosting the dinner and thank them in their wedding toast/speech for purchasing them their honeymoon. That way his parents STILL get some spot light for helping pay for "something".

Answer 11

First of all I hope you're not bothering your daughter with all this stuff. It sounds like you and the FMIL need to grow up and sit down and have a conversation about this. Tell her you are kind of feeling like she is stepping on your toes. Let her pay for some of it it's her son's wedding too remember. But above all remember this is not your wedding nor is it hers. You both need to come to a quiet understanding without stressing your daughter or son out about how to compromise act like adults and both have some say and some inclusion on the planning process.

Answer 12

What is the deal between you and this MIL? You both keep upping one another on every single thing

before this childishness stops you need to stop as well, you arent all that innocent in the situation either, your egging her on.

So just disinclude yourself from things that have to do with the wedding and dont make it a big deal by announcing things like "oh i got my dress" or "oh you cant come to the fittings".



I love my mother in law to be, and even if I didnt, she has ever right to be apart of the planning and the whole experience, cut her some slack because soon enough your both going to need her to do various things. Let her purchase the flowers, or the cake, or the limo..give her a role in this and make her feel apart of your family

Answer 13

I have been an MOB and an MOG so, I know whereof I speak. As an MOG, I knew every nook and cranny of my daughter's weddings and I still have anxiety dreams about everything going well. As an MOG, I was not that involved. Did it hurt, yes. Did I take it personally, no. I had daughters, so it made it easier for me. MOGS who have no daughters keenly feel they are missing out and they are. I also think that they forget that women will always include their mothers, sisters and girlfriends over their MIL. Is that wrong? No, that is how it is and it has to do with comfort levels. If the MOG can't handle your daughter wanting to spend so much time with you now, how will she feel when she consults her mother over her MIl when the children come? I just think that a lot of times, we MOGs have unrealistic expectations and frustrations that prevent us from being practical.

Answer 14

Eww, what an awful FMIL your daughter has...makes me want to drive down to New Mexico real quick and give my FMIL a big hug!!!



Obviously this woman has some serious issues with insecurity- otherwise she would know that, of course, her future daughter-in-law wants some one-on-one mommy-daughter time with you during the dress fitting process, not to mention she would also realize that it is customary for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding and it is not a reflection on her own finances at all. To me it sounds like she's just itching for something wedding-related to do, so she can feel included. I know she's probably really irritating, but for God's sake throw her a bone and allow her to plan, and pay for, one aspect of the wedding. Pick something neither you nor your daughter care too much about overseeing, so if she ends up doing something you never would have picked yourself, you won't be too upset about it. Maybe you could put her in charge of making all the decorations for the pews/aisle chairs at the ceremony, or maybe allow her to be in charge of researching personalized wedding favors. Also, as someone who loves my own mom so much that she's actually my MOH in my wedding, I totally understand your daughter's desire to do everything with you when it comes to wedding planning, but you need to encourage her to invite FMIL along on these outings at least every once in a while. After all, you may not have to see this woman too much post-wedding, but she is going to be at pretty much every family gathering and celebration your daughter hosts or attends for the next few decades, so you may want to encourage her to try to bond with her on some level. Good luck!

Answer 15

You should not have to be dealing with this. Your daughter needs to speak with her fiance and have him put a stop to it right now.