I am so upset and hurt, wedding in one week. Drama and I need advice.?

Question

So My wedding is a formal one in my back yard. We are having about 100 guests and our food caterer is bringing the food and we will be serving it. I have five sisters and two best friends and my fiance has 3 sisters. Because I have such a large group of sisters I am very close to, I chose my very closest sister as my MOH and my fiance chose his best friend as his best man and that was all we did. His three sisters were so upset that they were not bridesmaids. I kind of let it slide, than I find out last week that the oldest one who is 20 and the other one who is 15 bought matching dresses in my wedding colors. This bugged me extremely, but I thought hey whatever I guess. So with the food, we need two more servers and I thought I would ask my fiances two younger sisters. They straight said no because they want a bigger role in the wedding? We needed someone to help with the music so I asked the 20 year old and she said no, she feels slighted because she is not a bridesmaid. Although the wedding is formal, we are on a tight budget and need all the help we can get. My fiance was upset and pretty much told them if they are to selfish and rude to not help than they can not bother coming. I was so hurt because I do alot for these girls. My fiance called his mom to talk about it, she said to him that she does not even want them to serve food it was rude to ask of us and she doesnt think family should have to do this. It would only take about 20 minutes. She than called and told us the girls with matching dresses would be guest greeters. I dont even want guest greeters as there really is no need since it is in a back yard, and I plain just dont want their help anymore. Am I acting overly rude? I feel bad, but I am so upset and hurt! What do you think?

Answer 1

Relax - it will all be over soon. Just be really laid back about things. You have already made things clear so they made their choice - so now is the time to just stop communicating about it and try to get some space to prepare your heart. Sounds like you have a rude, selfish and meddling family. Stand strong. Who is getting married? Your in laws make it sound like it's one of your sister in laws. It's not their choice. There's nothing anyone can say to fix it. You've done all you can to try to offer a solution but if they don't like it - oh well - just let whatever they want to wear to the wedding go - whatever. They were under no compulsion from you to buy bridesmaid dresses - let them dream on. This is so not your fault. Well, have you ever seen a photo of the bride and groom where they were UNHAPPY while in the getaway car? The getaway is for a reason - just remember - the honeymoon is coming! It sounds like they may try to meddle in on your wedding day - but what you need to do is assign someone like a big burly guy with a diplomatic spirit- to kind of help matters along if people get out of hand and start doing and saying things that are out of line. Whatever happens on your wedding day - you did your best to plan and prepare to have it go your way and that is good. From there - you just have to let the pieces fall where they may - you are going to be married and starting your own family unit - and you are going to be happy in your own life together. There will be in law interference - for the rest of your life. But after about 10 years - things begin to settle in some. After owning your own home and having kids - that tends to help matters. But, yeah - they are giving you a taste of what is to come as far as the in laws go. Yeah - at my wedding my maid of honor couldn't come at the last minute because her husband committed suicide. Talk about drama! All the in law women were linning up for a chance to take her place and telling me that I should pick one of them - this was the night before the wedding mind you!!!! I hardly knew them and they still don't like me - so why would I replace my best friend of over 20 years with one of them??? Whatever, I let them fume and went on with things - my way - for goodness sakes - the wedding day is the last day for a long time where you will ever have anything much go YOUR way. Be strong, be gracious and be the bride. Congratulations!

Answer 2

I understand your having a small wedding but at the same time your family comes to celebrate your love and your new life together, they don't come to serve your guest, or help with music.



I know your on a tight budget but you also have to realize that you want your guest to feel welcome and enjoy themselves. If they are coming to serve food, or what not then they are more of a employee than a guest. They won't feel excited to come the day of, they might dread it actually.



The catering company should serve the food. If they can't, then ask a friend, family shouldn't do these types of jobs for you.



Also why not have them as your bridesmaids? They already bought their own dresses, so it wouldn't cost you anything to have them in the wedding, plus they would be more willing to help if they felt they were more a part of your day.



I think you are being a little selfish here and even though your on a tight budget there are other way to deal with this, don't employ your family, it's not their job.



Good luck with your wedding, Hope it turns out to be a lovely day.

Answer 3

I think everyone made mistakes here, but yours were by far the least serious. In your case, it's a communication issue more than anything else, since you didn't realize this is a no-no.



But the worst is the way his family is acting. Your own sisters can't be BM's but they think his sisters should be?



The matching dresses isn't a big deal. Personally, I think it's weird on their part, but it won't look bad.



You need to regain control of your wedding. Apologize to his mom and explain you thought this was something to give them a role in the wedding, but you realize it's wrong. Then point out that your own sisters aren't part of the bridal party, so it's silly for them to be offended. Then stop trying to find non-existent roles for all the sisters.



Oh and I agree - you keep saying this is a formal event and it's not. It sounds lovely, but it's not even close to being formal.



Oh and I forgot the most important thing: Major kudos to your fiance for sticking up for you. I don't think his actions were the right thing to do, but that's not as important as the fact that he put you first.

Answer 4

OK....sorry, but you are being a bit of a bridezilla and you contradict yourself many times over.



I am really sorry, but a backyard wedding is NOT formal. I love backyard events, I am NOT saying that, but it's not formal. AND, if it WAS formal, then you would have others (hired help) serve and not ask your future sister-in-laws to do this.



You certainly DO have a big group of sisters (and sister-in-laws) and you certainly do not need to include all of them as bridesmaids, but please do not ask them to serve food. That is not a "role" to play in a wedding.



And, it doesn't matter who is paying and who isn't. These are HIS sisters. I say, let them be the greeters and try to get some other friends to serve the food. Family should not be doing this at a wedding unless it was agreed to from the get go.

Answer 5

I agree with you that i would choose my sisters over my fiances sister any day. There the girls that know you best and grew up with you. Just because there brother is getting married doesn't mean they need a role in the wedding it should just be enough that they get to join in the celebration. As for them wanting to be greeters i would let them but, i would get my fiance to talk to them and tell them it would be more appreciated if they could do the serving or another role that is more crucial.

Answer 6

for starters, their feelings are hurt because you & their brother don't consider them "worthy" to be in your wedding party.

While this isn't your fault or your problem, you might want to understand this to help the overall situation.



So these girls, whose feelings are hurt about not being in the wedding party at their brother's wedding - which is a position of honor that they obviously hoped to have and are now disappointed about not having - have just been asked to be food servers - - which is a position that is no better than hired help!!



Usually, when you are trying to appease people with token jobs in the wedding because they aren't in the bridal party - - it is a guestbook attendant, greeter, usher, someone to hand out programs, basically something that makes them feel *special* and a part of the day of the couple being married - - not a server to the guests!



While I don't think you are acting overly rude - - you are dealing with people who have had their feelings hurt from the start and you are now asking them to work your wedding - thus making them feel insulted on top of slight -, by giving them a position that is lower than just being a guest. I understand why they are declining your 'request' to work your wedding.



My honest opinion is you should back off before there is irreparable damage to your relationship with your in-laws.



Maybe even sit them down and tell them you understand that you hurt their feelings by not having them in the wedding and you just wanted to keep the bridal party size down and that you hope they will not have hard feelings about it in the future. Tell them you are happy to be in-laws with them and you hope everyone can get over any hurt feelings.

Answer 7

I do not think you are wrong for not making them Bridesmaids. Its your wedding and you choose the party. However, I think your FMIL is right in saying they are family and SHOULD NOT be serving food! I do think that was a very rude thing to request. They should be enjoying the wedding not serving at it. Ask a friend to help with that task as its not a family appropriate duty.



Why cant they be greeters? I am confused as to why you are causing drama. It seems to me that you are looking for it. Why are you trying to upset everyone? To prove a point? Because YOU are going to look stupid in the end.



Look, I had 2 cousins who were unhappy about not being asked. At the end of the day, I only wanted 4 Bm's and so I did not ask them. I was very stern with my decision but because they were so hurt, I decided to include them a bit. I had one pass out programs and bubbles and the other did the guest book. Did I need them to? Not really but it made them happy and my uncle happy and that meant a lot to me. Stop going out of your way to step on toes. Yes, it is your wedding but they are your in laws and you are going to start ww3 between the families with your catty attitude.



Hope it all works out!

Answer 8

I don't have sisters so I can't really say for sure what I can say is, when I did my weddingon a budget, I wanted all members of my family to have as much fun as I did, my mom cooked the food fo rmy wedding, this let her enjoy my wedding for me, that is someone else served the food and she was able to sit down adn enjoy the rest of th eevening, as for having one of your sisters DJ, I think the problem here is, she will be working her tail off all night long, and can;t dance or drink while everyone is enjoying you and your husband and dancin and enjoying everyones company and she has to work all night long. Being a greeter is not so bad, she just greet and meet everyoen and then your job is done after the "I do's>" are over and you can enjoy yourself for the rest of the evening, that i the problem I see here, you are giving your sisters and Mom jobs that make them work all night long so they cannot enjoy themsleves at all.

Answer 9

sweetie not to be mean you are so in the wrong.



this is now going to be a blended family if you were 15 and your brother was getting married i bet you want a more of a roll then a food server come on. then you dont want them in the party but want them to work for free with out any real bridesmaid title. why can your sisters not do it? why cant people serve themselves you said it yourself a back yard wedding.



i would invite them to the wedding and have them as greeters and even have them posted with dig cams an take photos. and make it a contest the one with the most photos on a check list wins tickets to the movies. or something in that nature.



but ya you are over reacting you should have invited them for something in the wedding.

Answer 10

The problem here is that your future in laws are not familiar with classic authors of the 18th and 19th centuries, authors like Jane Austin and William Makepeace Thackery. If they had read the novels of these writers, they would understand that being "asked to pour" is an honor second only to being a member of the wedding party. In those days "to pour" meant to serve as a deputy hostess (or deputy host) at a formal tea or formal reception, aiding the hostess with such tasks as pouring tea and other drinks, greeting new arrivals, passing platters of edibles, making introductions, and so on. Perhaps you could go to your local library and arrange to borrow Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (by Judith Martin) and check the index for "to pour." Armed with your trusty Miss Manners, you can point out that it is complement, not an insult, to ask someone to act as your deputy host.

Answer 11

You have the proper to have a dinner along with your bio dad. Obviously your mother was once so harm and remains to be indignant. I might say NOT to ask him to the marriage ceremony when you consider that of all worried. Your step-dad will have to be going for walks you down the isle as he earned the proper. I bet at some point your bio dad will do that for his step-daughter as he it sounds as if has that sort of dating with them. Don't be unhappy. Your dad introduced this all on himself together with his dishonest methods and by and large that's how he met the girl he's with. Appreciate who you may have to your existence which have been there for you all alongside. You had a awful bio dad, you 'neglected' him however you ought to get this all in viewpoint. The truth is he was once now not there for you and he harm the household deeply. However, seeing him sometimes isn't hazardous until you believe you he could make up for now not being 'dad'. You had a higher one, your doorstep dad was once there for you and although it is your marriage ceremony..your bio dad does now not earn the proper to be there if it is going to most effective harm your moms and dads..who're most likely purchasing the marriage ceremony. Just hold it realistic. Think approximately this..why do you omit him? He wasn't even there for you so what do you omit? Its conveniently the proposal that he's your bio dad and possibly there's a deep feeling of rejection , no fault of your possess, and you're seeking to get his approval. Think approximately that. Good success.

Answer 12

I don't think that you are being rude by any means. They need to remember that this is YOUR day, not theirs. And they had a lot of nerve to buy dresses the color of your wedding. Maybe you should remind them that you excluded four of YOUR sisters as well so that you wouldn't have to hurt anyone's feelings. It sounds like your soon to be sisters-in-law are extremely immature. If they don't want to help you with your wedding, then just don't go out of your way to make sure they are tended to. Do you have any cousins/neices or anyone who would be willing to help serve? At my sister's wedding the younger girls were so excited to be helping with whatever they could and they thought it was pretty exciting to help serve cake, punch and anything else they could do!



I am sorry that you have to deal with this, but remember, this is YOUR day, so don't let their selfishness get the best of you! Congratulations, I am sure your wedding day will turn out wonderful!

Answer 13

"We're not having you as bridesmaids, please be waiters instead." Seriously? And you think THEY are rude. How hurtful that must have been for them. It is perfectly reasonable to not have them in the wedding party but NOT to expect them to act as your hired help.



They chose dresses that would go with your wedding so that even though they were not part of the wedding party, they would not clash and the family photos would look nice. That was sweet and well beyond what you could have expected. My advice is to go apologize to those girls for trying to make them be waiters and to find some way to make it up to them.

Answer 14

I have to agree with Joc. It is a manipulative move to buy the girls matching dresses to try to force you to put them in the wedding.



To act so nasty over not being in the wedding is how they (both mother and daughters) have gotten their way in the past. Thank goodness your guy called them on it.



Let him continue to handle it and tell darling mom that the girls will not be greeters.



As for being servers, in my family we would be honored and have been several times in the past.

Answer 15

Tell their mother that if she doesn't think it's polite to have them serving food, she should hand over a check to pay for servers. They are the ones being rude. Their is nothing ruder than being inflexible when a bride makes a request.

Good luck. DO NOT let them ruin your happiness. At the end of the day, you and your hubby will be together without them! Save a bottle of champagne for the wedding night and have your own little party without them.

It is aweful how much the wedding is for everyone else! But the fact is...it really is. Sure you get lots of love and gifts, but also lots of headaches!

Answer 16

i do think that you were grasping at straws asking them to be servers... my FMIL broke the news to me the other night that i should have someone who will be in charge of the food refills ( we are doing a buffet style reception ), someone in charge of serving the cake, and serving the punch... ok.. i think i can handle this... i am thinking that i am going to ask the friends of my children to do these tasks ( not the food part.. have someone else in mind for that )

if anyone is being rude it is the FSILs... they are very rude and presumptuous if you ask me....

Answer 17

Listen, Sweatheart,



If they are not in the bridal party, then they are guests and you, as the bride & hostess of the wedding reception should realise that you NEVER expect your guests to work at your wedding serving other guests.



If they volunteer that's fine...to ask them was ballsy of you...and your MIL is right on this...you should never have asked them to work for your wedding.



To uninvite them because they do not want to work your wedding is beyond ballsy....it's selfish on YOUR part. AND your fiance's....Shame on you BOTH.



The message you are sending is ''You are not good enough to be a bride's maid....you are not even good enough to be a guest..you are only good enough to be a server/waitress."



Nice message to send your fiance's sisters...and he agrees?

Wow.



All because MIL wouldn;t shell out money for your wedding....you need a lesson in what the groom's family IS responsible for if you are going to be a stickler for 'tradition'

The groom's family pays for 1) the rehearsal dinner and 2) sometimes the flowers & the booze).



And having your SILs function as waitresses at your backyard wedding is NOT a formal wedding, dear. At a formal wedding they would be guests and guests do not work at a wedding they attend. Not by TODAY's standards.



Hire some teens looking to make a buck to act as servers....or set it up as a self service buffet. Even as a self serve buffet, it can be 'formal'.

Answer 18

i dont think your being rude but bein as you would have to feed them anmyway why not just let them be bridesmaids? it would definately keep the peace and you wouldnt have anythn else to spend if they bought their own dresses/accessories etc.



i really do sympathise with you tho, it is hard to find jobs for everyone but i do agree with his mother that they shouldnt have to serve food, maybe unwrapping the platters would be acceptable but definately not serving the food, they are family not maids (just my opionion, i would be happy to help unwrap and prepare etc) but there is definately no point of greeters because as you say it is in your yard!



just either put your foot down or agree to let them be bridesmaids, it is YOUR day and whatever you want goes!



good luck!