living with boyfriend, should the person making more $ have to pay more living expenses?

Question

Dated boyfriend 4 years, moved in with eachother a year and half ago. For rent and bills we have split it down 50/50. I work 25 hours a week and started a photography business about a year ago and still trying to make money on that. Boyfriend works full time + over time, makes 3x more, and his paychecks are 5x bigger than mine. I never thought about it till yesterday and brought it up, he said that he doesn't pay more than me because he is saving for "our future" and if I had extra $ I would waste it on say cable or clothes etc.., thats right we have no cable (which i am fine w/). hes cheap, his family brought him up that way and he feels i am and grew up spoiled, i just feel like hes putting me on a leash. and when i tell him about this, hes like "i put $200 to fix your car, i pay when we go out to eat, your taking advantage of me, you dont respect me... etc. i don't have any extra spending $, it all goes to living expenses. Am I being ridiculous or is he being a cheap? How to handle this?

Answer 1

You need couples counseling before taking any next steps. His comments prove that this is about more to him than money, and the two of you are not communicating well at all. Also, to answer your question, there's no one-size-fits-all. Each couple navigates this and finds what works for them. The red flag here isn't that he's cheap or you're spoiled - it's that you can't find common ground.

Answer 2

Living in the same home IRS rules state that the person with the higher income must claim the child. If you both are over the age of 25 this will work if not you will have to just use th same address. My suggestion is for you to file single and claim only the college credit and use your parents address so that you a able to get the Earned Income Credit. Have your boyfriend file head of household claim the child and use the home address, This was he would get EIC, and the child tax credit. If you have child car expenses make sure you claim that on his return so that you get the child care credit also. The reason to give all the credit to him is because he would get the most benefit out of the deal.

Answer 3

Before I moved in with my fiance he was paying all of the bills and buying food and everything himself. So when I moved in with him we came to the conclusion that he makes a lot more money than I do therefor he would pay the rent and dte and I would buy the food. Obviously we both have other bills so we separately pay our own bills except for the cable and internet which we divide 50/50. The way we have the bills situated works for us but everyone is different and I won't lie my fiance does sometimes bring up the fact that he pays more but the fact is that we had come to this agreement before I had moved in. Once I start making more money I think I will be more than willing to help out with the rent and dte.

Answer 4

You should be paying equal PERCENTAGES of your income, not splitting it 50/50. If you agreed, for example, on 40% of your income and you made $1000 a month while he made $5000, then your part would be $400 while his would be $2000. If you increased your income to $3000 a month, then you'd put in $1200, and you could BOTH enjoy a more comfortable lifestyle because of it. It's a good point that the higher earning partner shouldn't be "punished" for making more, but at the same time, why should the lower-earning partner be deprived just because their job doesn't happen to pay as much? When you commit to someone and share your life with them, resources become mutual... regardless of whether bank accounts do.



50/50 doesn't make any sense unless both partners make the same amount. It's also absurd for him to argue he's "saving for the future" when you have no access to that money. If you have no access to it, he's saving for HIS future, not yours... which is fine, but he should be more honest about it. However, if he's the one who always pays when you go out and he tends to help you with things like fixing your car, he is being somewhat generous there, and it DOES show that he understands on some level that the person who makes more contributes more.



First, I'd suggest that you tell him you DO appreciate all the things he does for you, and also tell him that you're not as foolish with money as he thinks you are and he ought to trust you more. Then tell him you'd like to re-arrange your budgeting habits. Since you aren't married it's perfectly reasonable for him to want to keep most of his money for himself, but there is a more fair and equal agreement than what you have now. Make the point that if you made 5 times what he does ($25,000), wouldn't he think you were a bit selfish if you still make him pay 50/50, when the both of you could easily afford a comfortable lifestyle if you simply contributed equal amounts? And wouldn't he feel frustrated if you squirreled most of that money away "for the future," but he had no idea how much or where it was going?

Answer 5

Honestly, I think it should be 50/50. I understand what you're trying to get at, but you also have to realize that you're both living there equally. He shouldn't have to pay more just because you don't make as much. He doesn't get any extra benefits from paying more to live there. You guys are a couple, you guys are equals.



I'd say get another job to earn more if it bothers you so much. It shouldn't be left up to him to pay extra at all in my opinion. Plus, if he's saving for your guys' future, why are you complaining? If he wants to save up and buy a house and make sure you guys have a good start, it sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders.



Maybe you shouldn't live together if you can't split bills equally, or find a cheaper place that you both can afford at the same rate.

Answer 6

This is an interesting question.



My fiance and I have been sharing expenses for about the last three years of our relationship.



When we were in college, we both worked, and had extra income because we weren't paying expenses like rent and everything like that. So we took turns paying for each other because we could.



Then he went his final year of grad school without a job. I added him to my cell phone plan and paid his cell phone and he paid for everything else with his savings.



Then we were both working again. And were back to paying for our own lifestyles and such. Every once in a while we would pay for extra things for each other and what not.



I got into a car accident and was out of work. He took over ALL of my finances at this point so I could finish schools since I was unable to work at this point anymore. He asked me what I needed in a month. I was literally getting a monthly stipend from my fiance to pay things like my car payment and insurance, our cell phone bill and groceries!



All of this happened BEFORE we were living together.



Now, we are living together and he makes A LOT more than I do. His career is set and I am still working on getting mine rolling. I work a few hours a week and have been doing great internships, that don't pay or pay very little.



The way we have worked this out is he pays all the bills. I take whatever paychecks I receive and put them into our joint savings account. We have decided on a monthly allotment for food and other budgeting needs while we are saving for the wedding. I take care of cleaning the house and cooking when I am not doing my internship because I have more hours at home. He does things on the weekends around the house because that's when I work.



When we moved in together, we combined our finances. Yes, we both have our own credit cards and bank accounts, but we also have join checking and savings account. Our money at this point isn't his and hers, it is ours. We put it where it needs to go.



I don't spend anything extra or frivolous without consulting him first, and he does the same even though he makes the majority of the money in our household. I will be making more money that him over the summer time because of the career path. We won't change how we pay for things though. My money will still go into our savings account and his will pay for the bills. This way we have that extra money for whatever we want to do.



It's not fair to require one to pay an equal amount if it leaves you struggling. But if you can't pay, you should do something else. Clean the house, do the shopping, cook the majority of the meals.



Even if the balance isn't in cash, it still needs to be there in other forms of your relationship. I would agree with the other posters about taking a premarital course before marriage. They help you understand finances as a couple. It is one of the leading causes of divorce in the US. I think it would benefit both of you and then you can understand each others opinions about how to handle finances and what you can change to make your lifestyle better for you as a family unit versus individuals.



Good luck!

Answer 7

Every couple has to find their own solution to managing their finances. There's no right or wrong way.



The red flag here is that your boyfriend considers himself the only responsible person in the relationship. He is "saving for the future" while accusing you of being a frivolous spender. Now, maybe this is true and you do throw money away on dumb stuff. But it's still the least constructive thing he could possibly say. This has also turned into a scoreboard for him - I pay for your car, I pay for your dinner, look at all the things on my side of the scorecard. Not healthy for a relationship!



Money is one of the ways that controlling, hurtful people are able to exert control over someone else. If he's using money to keep you on a short leash, I would be very concerned about taking this relationship any further. If he's not willing to look at a financial compromise, or talk to a counselor, I would get out!

Answer 8

I agree with a percentage based payment structure.



What would happen if you got pregnant and had to stop working for a while after the baby came. Would he not give you money for incidentals (coffee, hair supplies, magazines) if he had the money?



The cold hard truth is that in any relationship, almost always one person is more responsible with money than the other. It may well be that he is more responsible, and when the time comes to buy a house or send a kid to university, you'll be glad he's a pain in the @$$ about money. But you shouldn't resent your current lifestyle.



However: if you want to have more money and you don't, and you're working 25 hours a week and paying your half of the bills and your business still isn't taking off a year later, maybe it's time to shift gears. You could put more time into a paying job to give yourself more spending money.



I don't like that your bf said you take advantage of him. Does he think he's not getting a good deal? It sounds rather like he doesn't respect YOU. You need to sit down with him and help him see that no one other than Buddhist monks want to live in total austerity, and you're simply not happy not having any disposable income. Work out some numbers ahead of time, showing what you'd like to have on a per week basis for spending money and for savings and how that could be reached.



My fiance was out of work for a while and I paid everything including giving him spending money. Everyone should have a few dollars in their pocket for lunch, coffee, cabs, etc. Emergencies happen. I never asked him where he spend the dollars I gave him either, although it mostly showed up in grocery items he wanted for us :)



If you don't work this out now, resentment will fester and your relationship will suffer down the road.



Good luck.

Answer 9

Yes, the person who earns more should pay a larger share of the living expenses. It sounds like he does. (He pays when you eat out, he paid to fix your car).



On the other hand, if he works 40+ hours a week, and you only work 25 hours a week, and you are NOT married, he should control more of the money then you do. He is working very hard to save money. Not being married means not being able to count on financial input from him.



It is VERY dangerous for a women to come to expect a standard of living she can only afford based on financial contributions from her boyfriend. Their are protections built into the institution of marriage that aren't there for a girlfriend. It's surprising how many people forgo marriage and then expect the rights and privileges (like pooling of assets) that come with marriage.



It's not a "leash" if you have control of your own money. If you want spending money, get a different job, work more hours, move to a cheaper place.



Don't get me wrong, a women who is the "primary caregiver" of a child compromises her ability to earn money, and is entitled to financial compensation from the father. Marriage is a deliberate pooling of resources. However, an unmarried girl with no kids should be responsible for supportingng herself.

Answer 10

If you maintain separate incomes and separate accounts, living expenses need to be split 50/50 unless something else is agreed upon beforehand. If you're not content with the amount of money you make, there are opportunities to make more.



You have put your boyfriend in a father position to you in your insistence that he provide for you and thus you have become the child in the relationship. Your relationship will ultimately be unsuccessful if you don't take steps to remedy this role imbalance.



I would be very appreciative that my boyfriend is helping me make ends meet by taking care of certain expenses I wouldn't be able to pay for on my own and if I felt that I wasn't making enough to make ends meet, I would either cut expenses or find a way to make more money. My solution would not be for the closest man in my life to take care of me when I'm perfectly capable of doing so.

Answer 11

I don’t believe in punishing someone for being successful. Unless finances are shared, I believe in splitting 50/50 across the board. If one person wants something extra, like extended cable or high speed internet, they should bear that burden on their own UNLESS the other person plans to make use of it too. In that case, both parties should chip in.

If you want more money for clothes and other things - get a second or a better job.

Answer 12

The simplest answer is that you both pay an equal percentage of your income to household bills. However, it is also true that sometimes it is not so simple.



As for the rest of your question, if you are considering getting married or continuing this relationship, premarital counselling and/or financial advising/counselling would be in order. Fiances are one of the top reasons couples fight and break up, and are not something to be taken lightly. Considering you have differing views and conflict, you definitely need to sort this out sooner rather than later.



Good luck!

Answer 13

my fiance and i have a child together and we still split 50/50...my fiance makes or shall i say made more money than me and had no debt... i made less money and had like 4 more bills to pay a month than he did............. Then he got laid off and now i am the one with money....50/50 works if you are equal. i suggest that maybe he helps you out... when ur married it'll be different

Answer 14

YOU are spoiled. I am running a photography business myself and even if we didn't share our income (keep it in one account) I would still not ask for him to pay more because he makes more!



Ridiculous...

Answer 15

You're not married to each other, so it has to be 50/50. You money is yours, his money is his.



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Answer 16

You need a different room mate and philosophy