my dad chose his wife over me?

Question

I'm 17 & my dad got remarried 4 years ago. My stepmom is mean. I haven't talked to my dad for a year because of his wife. I'm extremely jealous & hurt because my dad picked her over me. He buys her clothes & nice things. I'm his daughter & my dad said he hated me & disowned me on the phone. I haven't talked to him since. My stepmom controls my dad I'm jelaous & hurt. I feel worthless & no reason to live anymore. That b*tch took everything I had away. My dad is into his new life & new wife & i feel like he has forgot about his old family. I feel so neglected. He has nothing to offer me as a father. I have told him how I felt many times he doesnt change. today i went to his house to reconcile, i gave him a hug and told him a missed him. I reach out all the time and he stilll rejects me. Will the hug mean anything to him? What if my dad wont love me & see me?

Answer 1

These situations are complicated - how does your mom feel - has the step mum actually done anything nasty to you except fall in love with yoru dad and have hi fall in love with her? What are the issues that you have contributed to? These situations are never so cut and dried and parents don't generally stop loving a child because they found a happy relationship. It's excellent that you want to work on it and of course he loves you and it will mean something to him. Just show him that you are able to act like an adult and not contribute to the bad blood. You are 17 now - you're not a child anymore - it's time to start acting like a grown up and not his little baby girl. Be the change you want o see in the world.

Answer 2

I have to disagree with a few of the other posters...



You are his child, he is the parent, that means it's HIS JOB to make the effort to make your relationship work. Yes you are 17 and almost an adult, which means you need to act responsibly and with maturity but you are still his child and he is the parent so it is HIS responsibility to make the effort with his children. And that includes making sure you don't FEEL neglected, even if you're not, it includes making sure you know he loves you.



Yes, you may need to take a step back and look objectively at your dad & stepmom's actions to see if she really is as awful as you say and if your dad is being as neglectful as you say. And it is good to hear that you're still making the effort, and I think that it is worth it, because 'what if' is a terrible thing to live with.



Hopefully you will be able to talk to your mom about all this, and hopefully she can help you out. At very least you ALL should go to family counselling. A blended family is difficult even when everyone likes each other and treats each other with love and respect so for you guys it could really help.



I hope your dad realizes what he's doing (intentionally or otherwise) and smartens up.

Answer 3

Wooow. People are mean! You obviously are having a very hard time in your life. First of all, remember that you are a valuable person who has many things to live for. Think of your future, your friends, your other family members, and all the other things that make you important and the people that love you. Never forget that you have value and purpose in life. Your father seems to be having some issues. My best friend through high school and college (and now for that matter) has had the same issue with her dad. She has a half sister that is 6 months younger than her (do the math...). She was never a priority in his life and because he hated her mom, he hated her. He never was financially responsible in her life, and often offered to pay for things like college that he didn't. He didn't come to things like graduations and birthdays, not even her wedding. She has struggled with her relationship with him, and at one point after high school she even moved to the same city to be near him, but he just burned her again. The bottom line is, he is not being a father. It doesn't take much to produce children as we all know, but to raise them is hard. He is being very selfish and immature by saying things like he hates you. Your stepmother is irrelevant. He is a big boy and he should be there for you, but it looks like he is not going to be. My best friend had lots of issues in relationships and continues to to this day, in her marriage. This will probably bother you for years to come. However, try your best to overcome it, seek counseling (since you are 17 you can probably get some through school still, which is free), and remember that your personal worth does not come from his love and approval. It is okay to be hurt by his actions, but you said it yourself - he has nothing to offer you as a father. I am not a professional, so I can't say whether you should continue to reach out to him, but my gut says, let it go. Don't let this jade you. Be strong and resilient and move on with your life. You are better than he ever will be.

Answer 4

College is very important in your circumstances:

9. Fill your life with activities such as looking for a good college and financial aid and looking into careers. This is especially important if you cannot rely on your dad financially for much longer. You need to become financially independent & the sooner the better. Look for careers that you will enjoy & that also will allow you to live very well. Women are now CEOs of major corporations. And financial aid (FA) will cover most if not all your costs in community colleges and state schools. You have no excuses. One thing to remember: YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT YOUR DAD'S FINANCIAL INFO ON ANY OF YOUR SCHOOL PAPERS OR FINANCIAL AID PAPERS. Once you start college if he's not paying you a dime then leave him out of everything. He might try to claim you on his taxes so he could get a higher tax refund BUT DON'T LET HIM DO THIS because they will give you less financial aid money. If he claims you on his taxes it means he's still supporting you & you will get less money from your college's FA department. Just tell them your dad's not in your life (many kids do this & some are even lying) and they won't take his income into consideration and you will get more financial aid.



Child support:

10. Make sure that if you haven't gotten any child support or haven't received it steadily you keep proof of this & you & your mom or any other adult speak to a lawyer or someone who specializes in child support. Until you are 18, your dad has to provide for you. Don't let him get away with abandoning his responsibilities until you are 18. And I think there's a certain time frame (depends on your state) after you turn 18 where you could still claim he missed payments. So don't wait too long if he hasn't been paying. They will take into consideration all of your 18 years of life. So if he hasn't paid during years in the past you are entitled to that money.



What comes around, goes around:

11. One of the benefits of being a good parent is that as you age you will have your kids to look out for you. Your dad has lost this privilege. When he becomes an old man don't let him sucker you into taking care of him or helping him out in any way. Many selfish parents abandon their kids and try to worm their way into their lives when they need help. And if when you are grown he comes to you with financial problems be sure to shut the door in his face or hang up the phone after reminding him of how he disowned you. Don't be play the fool. Let his w.h.o.r.e look out for him from now on. Wash your hand of any responsibilities from this douchebag & I assure you that you will have a simpler & more enjoyable life.



Also, don't listen to ignorant comments like the ones saying that you're spoiled or selfish. Your situation is clearly a lot more complex than just some teen girl who wants attention and dislikes her stepmom. A father should never ever tell his child that he or she is disowned. That was completely crossing the line. And a father should never neglect their own child over some woman. Nor should he ever put up with some woman being mean to his own kid. That's unacceptable. Obviously a lot of the people posting are a bunch of 12 year olds or might be trolling around.



I hope my advice helped. Please go live your life and be happy.

Answer 5

It's very sad. However, you don't need to worry about why your dad is doing any of this. He's an adult and he can live his life however he wants to. Yes, you and I both understand that he's your father and he should love you more than his new wife, but it's still up to him. Your love for your father shouldn't be conditional. It sounds like you are the one throwing ultimatums around ("It's me or her!"). Love him anyway. If he chooses to reconcile, great. But if not, move on. At least when he dies, you won't have regret or guilt. You'll have a clean conscience. You have to learn to accept that your life and this relationship have changed. It's never going to be the same again.

Answer 6

The first thing you should know is that THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT. You cannot choose your parents. You have no control over who you are born to in this world. Some babies are born to drug addicted parents & they are rudely called "crack babies" because they are literally addicted to crack from the moment they are born. Do you think that these babies willingly chose to have parents like this?



Your dad is a scumbag. Plain & simple. The fact that he told you he disowns you & he spends more money on his wife than he does on his own child says a lot about your father. He sounds like a very selfish man who is probably a narcissist. A narcissist is someone who is in their own world, only cares about their own needs & cannot sympathize too well with others - not even their own children. There are 11 important things that I want to point out to you that might help you to see things for what they are but I don't know if it will allow me to post all 11 points I wanted to make. I'll try:



Your dad and his wife are selfish douchebags:

1. It seems like your dad & his wife have a mutually beneficial relationship. Is she younger or more attractive than he is? Maybe she's a gold digger. I know this sounds gross to you because you are his daughter but there are so many relationships like this where the wife is helping the husband to meet his physical (sexual) needs and where the husband is helping the wife meet her financial (gold digging) needs. It's possible they both got married for selfish reasons & if so then their marriage will probably not withstand the test of time. But this doesn't give him an excuse to come crawling back.



It's possible that they are (unfairly) using your teen years against you:

2. You're 17. Being a teenager is a tough stage in your life. Most teens - both male and female - go through a stage where they tend to be moody and sometimes parents have a hard time dealing with this. But most parents don't disown their kids just for being teens. This is just a life stage everyone goes through. Maybe your dad's extreme selfishness allows him less patience than most other dads would have. And maybe his wife sees you as nothing more than a bratty teen who threatens her source of money and could be possibly fueling any of your dad's negative feelings towards you & making them bigger. But this is a time in your life when it's especially important that he be there for you. And he's failing miserably. No matter how bad you might misbehave, it is no excuse for the way your dad is being.



Maybe he's avoiding financial responsibility:

3. On that same note, it's possible that he's trying to distance himself from you because you're coming of age soon. When you turn 18 he no longer is financially responsible for you. Maybe both he & his wife don't want any of his money going towards your college education, car, clothes, or well being. This could be your father's way of showing you he doesn't want to spent any more money on you. The VAST MAJORITY of dads that are present in their children's life support their kids through college & even after college graduation while they are learning to stand on their own two feet. Also, the majority of dads help out their adult kids in times of financial problems. So if he tells you that he no longer owes you money when you turn 18 just remember that this is more of his selfish B.S. and not the way a good dad is supposed to be. But there's nothing you can do about that.



You are placing incorrect blame which won't help your situation:

4. You say that "I feel worthless & no reason to live anymore. That b*tch took everything I had away." That beyotch took nothing away from you. Do not blame this woman. If anything she is just letting you see your dad for who HE TRULY IS. Perhaps she's making things worse but she never held a gun to your father's head and told him to be a bad father to you or else she would shoot him dead. Open your eyes. She sounds like a terrible woman but all of this is your dad's fault.

Answer 7

Your happiness doesn't depend on him:

5. He IS NOT WORTH your self-esteem & your sadness. Why do you feel worthless & with no reason to live?! NOBODY can make you feel that way but yourself. Don't ever rely on other people whether it be your husband, boyfriend, father, etc. to make you feel good about yourself. Because if you do then you will be living a very sad & disappointed life. You're going to be miserable for the rest of your days if you don't wake up. You need to stop using this way of thinking. Some girls & women who have issues with their fathers look onto other men to give them self-esteem. They jump from one dysfunctional relationship to another. Some even put up with emotional, sexual, or physical abuse just so that they won't be alone. These women usually have very complicated, messy, and sad lives. Don't go down this path. It's dangerous. Learn how to make yourself feel confident & happy. This is the only way that you will ever have healthy & successful relationships as you get older.



You can use this as a lesson for your future:

6. Don't ever forget that the role of a father is to be there for his kids NO MATTER WHAT. Their kids come first always & forever. Even before their wife, girlfriend, lover, etc. YOUR DAD FAILED IN HIS ROLE. And the only one to blame is him. But for the future, please think back on your difficult times & choose a man very very carefully before you ever settle down with someone. There are entire books on what to look for & warning signs that a man might be a good or bad father & husband. Maybe there were signs that your mother chose to ignore when she married your dad & had you with him. And if you ever have sons, make sure you instill in them how important it is to be a good father so they don't become deadbeats like your dad. Not enough parents instill these values into their sons. Just look at our country & all the father-less children. Although none of this is your fault, you can use this to your benefit by making it a lesson in your life and not allowing history to repeat itself when the time comes for you to have your own kids.



You're not alone:

7. You are not the only child who has ever gone through this. Some babies are unwanted from birth and the dad refuses to even have his name on the birth certificate. Other dads (like yours) choose some w.h.o.r.e. over their own flesh and blood. Other dads are alcoholics or drug addicts. Don't pity yourself. There are children in worse situations than you & who are smaller than you. And many people have been in your exact same shoes. This is why the term "deadbeat dad" began. It's because there are so many of them. You are just one of the many millions of people in this country without a dad. It's not the end of the world. Life goes on. This happens to so many people and they go on to have GREAT LIVES. If a baby born addicted to crack can lead a happy life then certainly you can. There are support groups online if you need help. There are school counselors in high schools and colleges. Do you have friends you can talk to? Do you live with your mom? Talk to her or any of your relatives. Maybe some of your dad's relatives (his parents or siblings) can give you some insight into why he may be acting in such a horrible way.



Don't beg him. It's pathetic:

8. Your dad obviously has some issues. This isn't your fault, it's not your job to fix him & you shouldn't obsess over this. You tried to reach out to him. He's turned you down. Some of the people posting have said to keep trying. They are obviously clueless. THIS WILL ONLY HURT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM EVEN MORE. Stop trying to reach out to him if he just pushes you away. You are worth so much more than that. It's pathetic to keep on doing this. It's like you're a dog who keeps getting kicked down. You need to have a little more pride & self-worth than this.

Answer 8

1

Answer 9

sounds like he's a bit blinded... but don't let him control your life, emotions, or your reasons for living.



you can still reach out to him, but reach out from afar at first... even if he doesn't see you now.. he may do so with time (whether that be days, months, years... who knows.)



(but i think the hug might have meant something to him deep down...whether he says it or not...

Answer 10

Sounds like you're a bit of a princess. Be more reasonable in your demands - he's not there to finance your life, you know, which sounds like a major concern for you given your noting "clothes and nice things" first and foremost and blaming him for "everything I had" disappearing - this sounds very materialistic. If that's the case, I don't blame him for wanting to start over, frankly - it's his money, and beyond child support or other divorce obligations, he has a right to do with it what he pleases.



If you're looking for unconditional love from your father, why not offer it to him - if a hug is really designed to get him to cough up some cash, it means less than nothing.

Answer 11

God is playing a game with you to test, how strong you are. Hug him and remind him of all the good times you spent with him, if he still ignores/hates you then I guess, it would be better for you to move on with your life to make the best for your future.

Answer 12

This is a test from God. Don't let their stupid ways get to you. Be the bigger person and pray for them. They will get theirs in the end.

Answer 13

You're 17, far too old to be talking and thinking this way. She is not mean you're just jealous and resentful that she is an important part of your father's life. You need to grow up and realize he needs companionship and live his own life, you cannot expect him to be alone and unhappy just for your sake. You pushed him away by being childish and petty and you need to get over yourself and stop being a spoiled brat.