My partner, youngest child and myself invited to partners sisters wedding but my other children not!?

Question

I have been with my partner for 12 years. I had 4 children when we got together. All were preschool age. The youngest was just a baby and thought he was his dad until he was old enough to understand. We also had a child of our own who is now almost 10. My partners sister has announced that she is getting married this year, but is only going to be inviting my partner, myself and our child. Her reason was that they don't have a very big venue and can only invite a certain amount of guests each. I am fuming and know if it had been her in this situation, she would be mad too. I wont be going! I just wondered what other peoples view on this is.

Answer 1

I hate what weddings do to people. Manners, morals and consideration seem to fly out of the window, and in their place you find selfishness and rudeness. That is applicable to both the bride and groom as well as the guests! Guests seem to think they have sort of say in the huge decisions that need to made, and the couple getting married seem to think that because it is THEIR wedding then they can treat people as badly as they want and that it is fine coz THEY are getting married and NO ONE else counts. Well, having read your problem I have to say that I totally agree with you and why you are so upset. I know from first hand experience (I am currently plannimg my wedding) how easy it is to let your guest list spiral out of control, and then suddenly you get that sickening feeling when you realise that you are up to over 150 guests and then there is the brutal cutting of the list. Yes, the easiest thing to do is to get rid of the children and then go from there. If they had decided to have a 'no children' rule then I would totally respect them for that decision, however, your partner's sister is inviting 3 from a family of 7. Yes, 7 from one family is a lot of people to invite, however, you are a family unit. Your other 4 children have been part of the family for the last 12 years, and as such I believe that either the whole family are invited, or only you and your partner should have been invited. Yes it is their day, and it is ultimately up to them if they make a (bad) decision like this but that doesn't mean that you have to like or respect that decision. You have a choice: either confront her about this, or bite your tongue and only attend with your partner. I think you have a right to feel upset.

Answer 2

After 12 years of being in the "family" I think I'd be proactive here. You and your "partner" need to sit down with sister and have a pow-wow! Graciously, but firmly explain that this could cause family problems and you don't want that to happen.



Explain that she is considered your children's aunt and her wishes might have a justified reason, but the kids will never understand that. So, you are requesting that she invite all of the children or none of the children. Say it kindly and make no excuses.



If she says there is no room, then tell her that you completely understand if she chooses to invite none of the children. That is totally justified. If she says that she wants her "niece" there, then tell her that is the problem. There are actually 5 nieces and nephews. And back again to the original situation. Either all or none need to be invited.



You didn't mention it, but I bet this is some sort of "statement" on her part about (1) no marriage between you and her brother, so therefore (2) she doesn't consider the older children her family. If this is the case, her brother is going to have to be the person to solve this one. I wish you the best.



I wouldn't let one child go with her dad and you stay home with the other children. It's all or none if it were me. I would still go with her brother. It would be the children that would be together. (wedding or home) If you stay home and her "blood relative" shows up, she wins!



(A funny solution would be to secretly get your marriage license -- if you're not married -- have a secret ceremony at the courthouse, and then talk to her. She wouldn't know what to do.)

Answer 3

Wow, TobyD is way off!!!! Scratch out that comment sweetheart you always have at least one bad apple in the bunch. If this is his sisters wedding then I am sure that his sister did the traditional A and B list. A list is a must come list, and B list people can be eliminated if necessary. How is it that 3 family members were more important than the rest? If this was such a tight venue, then she shouldnt have not invited any kids at all. If you do go, you will spend your time thinking about the children that were left behind. If you dont go, then you are being a good mother because your children should always come first. Knowing that their "aunt" only invited one of them to the wedding will only create pain, if not now, then in the future. Not going, will prove to her that the family will stick together as a whole and all of the children will be treated equally.

Answer 4

You do not split a family apart. You do not invite one spouse and not the other, and in the case of family, you do not invite only the children you are related to by blood and ignore the step-children , and use a limited budget as an excuse to do so.



Where did that young lady find her manners...in a Cracker Jack Box?



What you should do is decline for yourself and ALL your children, and tel your husband it's up to him if he attends, but your children will not......you will not tolerate anyone splitting your family apart....

...or just you & he go and ALL the children stay home.



Besides being a terrible thing to do, think of how the uninvited kids will feel...like only the youngest 'counts' and they don't.....which as far as your SIL is concerned, is true.



Some things are just plain wrong and this IS one of them...."My wedding so I'll invite who I want and not invite who I don't want" is no excuse for playing favorites with kids or rejecting some children within a family unit because they aren't blood.....and I guarentee if she had kids and this was pulled on her she would be howling like a banshee.



I have four kids, and yes, they all have the same father-but if they didn't and this was pulled on me, I wouldn't tolerate it. My response would be "Well, since your budget is so tight you feel you need to play favorites with my children, I'll make it easy for you....NONE of my kids will attend as I will not have any of them singled out for rejection, even if it's just a wedding."



You don't have to be that outspoken or even rude...just accept for yourself & your guy.....decline for ALL your kids....if she asks why not the youngest, merely say " My children will NOT be treated unequally, or will favorites be played with some....either all attend or none attend." You are mother, you have this right.



If she isn't aware of how hurtfull this is to all the kids involved, then she's an idiot...the youngest will feel guilty over being singled out & priveliged to go & the others will feel they are not good enough which is why they were rejected.



Pity any kids she may have, the gal is clueless.

And she does need to be called on this. There are ways to cut a wedding guest list. Ostrizing kids because they are step-kids and not blood while invited their sibling who is blood is NOT the way to do it.



I guarentee any child psychologist will tell you this...wow, what a prize she is.....shame on her.

Answer 5

Yes, she's being rude about this. Your partner should mention to her that she neglected the kids, and then drop it. To keep peace in the family you probably ought to go, however don't single out your youngest (unless the other kids know what's up and are ok with it). Go without any of the kids, and if she gets upset then say (politely, although I know that I would be tempted to do it rudely) that you didn't want to cause problems with the kids by giving one a treat that the others didn't get. Like you said, there's no way to tell the kids that their sister got to go and they didn't.



Yes, she is being thoughtless, however she is still family. What you can tell your kids is that she didn't have a lot of room, so it's only the two of you going.

Answer 6

I have often tried to debunk the myth "If you invite even one child, then you must invite every child of every guest." My response to this is "The rules are the same for children and adults. You invite those whom you know well and care about, and do not invite those you barely know or don't care about."



Is there some reason you SIL would consider that knows this one child well and has a relationship with him, while she barely knows the others and has little relationsihp with them? If yes, I can UNDERSTAND what your SIL has done, but that doesn't mean I AGREE with it. There are some situations where I might support inviting some siblings, and not others, but this isn't one of them.



I advise that your husband be the one to deal with his own sister. He might explain to her that he tries to treat all of his children equally and so, regretfully must decline her invitation. Either she will understand and offer to include the other 3 children or she will not.

Answer 7

What a difficult situation. If would have been better if she'd just invited you and your partner, without the children, saying she wasn't having children to the event because the venue was small. How insulting - I would feel exactly the same as you. Can your partner not speak with his sister and tell them how difficult it is for you to explain this to your kids - it's an insult. If they speak about it, things may change. (I'd be fuming too!!!)

Answer 8

Some people, some families, regardless of who was actually the "dad" (in all cases but bio), have a...separate idea, like my fiance's father came from a family where all the siblings had the same bio father, same bio mother, and (according to him) unless you have the same bio mom and same bio father you are not siblings, full siblings or no siblings basically. I personally don't agree with this as i come from a blended family and my grandfather (who was married three times, divorced, widowed, then married till death) always considered any children his spouses had (even after the spouses death) as HIS children, not my (wife's) children.



I would be offended, and so should your partner, I don't blame you for not wanting to go. If he has been there all these years, she should think of your children as her family too.

Answer 9

Shes a witch but shes family I would be the bigger person say you understand could you just put u and your partner on the invite as you cant favour 1 child when they all love her (if she still invites the child you get her to tell them)



Edit

Yes its her day but that no excuse for bad manners and breaking kids hearts!! Its not rude to ask if she could not invite 1 as playing favourites you will leave all 5 at home!

(I think blunt thinks your not married because you said partner not husband)



I can not believe some of the answers you are getting

You not upset that all kids are not invited just 1 your partner has taken them has his own as far as the kids go their family

Answer 10

That seems a really odd way of doing things. I can understand space requirements, but then you just don't invite any children. There has to be some type of consistency.

You have every right to be hurt. I do think you should still go (or at least your partner go as it is his only sister) but maybe leave all the children at home.

What she did was rude and hurtful, but is it worth holding onto it and causing strife? Tell her off thoroughly then let it go.

Answer 11

I'm with you - Don't Go!

If anything, she should have approached you & your partner and told you she is sorry but won't be able to invite ANY of the kids due to space limitations.

That might have posed an inconvenience for you, but at least it would have been fair & equitable to the kids - all or none!

And on the flip side, at least you now know how she really feels about the children that your partner has helped raised, she doesn't consider them to be her family (which is really sad, but its better to know than be in the dark).

Answer 12

I have just had a similar problem. My niece is getting married in August. I am her only aunt and my two grown up sons her only cousins. She invited myself and 1 of my sons as they are limited to places. My other son is invited to the evening do. The wedding is 120 miles away. I am very upset about it and told her that I have 2 sons and either they are both invited or we do not go at all. Unhappily we are not going and will have to miss a family wedding. You must stick to your principles though and only go as a whole family or not at all. This is their bad manners and etiquette and they should be ashamed of themselves. If they did not have enough room for you all at the venue perhaps they should have got a bigger venue or only invited you and your husband to the sit down meal.



Do not let people on here upset you any more than you are already. You have done nothing wrong only stuck to your principles.



Loisebi has got it exactly right

Answer 13

i had a problem like this, my dad got married last august, me and my eldest sister was invited, but my little sister wasn't just because shes not his. hes raised her for the first 11 years of her life as his own and hes the only dad she knows but his new wife didn't wanna know my little sister or my nephews (dads grandchildren she claims shes too young to be a step nan) this is all the doing of his new wife who wont accept any part of his life that happened before she got with him. Even my fiance got invited, me and my older sis was disgusted with what she did and the fact he didn't stop her that we didn't turn up on the day and we where menna be bridesmaid and maid of honer, my sister was crying for hours because she wasn't invited and that's the main reason we didn't go. also what type of mean b**** stops a man from inviting his gransons to his wedding.

Answer 14

It seems to me as though she did it out of spite and I understand your frustration. In order to keep peace in the family, I would go and not take any of the children. If you refuse to go, it will put your partner in a difficult position as to whether he should go or not. If he didn't go, his sister will blame you. It's hard, but be the better person and try to find a babysitter for all your kids and just leave early!

Answer 15

i can see your point of view and your sisters. It is very expensive to get married and inviting your 4 other children could potentially cost and extra £150 which they may not have. Saying that if she doesnt invite all your kids then she shouldnt invote any. You cant expect her to invite your kids, its her wedding which she is paying for. we have a no children under 12 rule as I cant justify paying £50 for a child to eat. That means some of my guests will bring just one of their children even though they have 2 or 3. they understand, i dont mean offence by it. I can never understand why weddings get so complicated.

Answer 16

What she's saying about not having enough room/the venue is too small is b**lsh*t. You are a family unit regardless of who actually fathered your children. If you all live and exist together (your partner and all your kids) so you should be counted as one. She has no right to stipulate which of your children are welcome at her stupid wedding. Some women really go gaga over their wedings. its pathetic! What is it anyway? its a chance for her to put on ridiculous clothes, ponse about like happy families, spend a ridiculous amount of money on tat. If you ask me, your kids that have been excluded have had a lucky escape!!!



What she's basically saying is that she doesn't like you're other kids. You are right to be furious. I would be too. I think its extremely rude and very insulting. She's managed to find a way of not only letting you know that she does'nt like your other children, but of creating a problem for you and your partner and all your children together. I think she sounds like a nasty peice of work. Stuff her wedding and stuff her!

Answer 17

She is extremely immature to acknowledge one child and not the others. Your partner is obvious their father, even if he isn't the biological dad.



I would tell her that either all your children are invited or none of you are coming. This is blatant disrespect on her part, and she needs to grow up.

Answer 18

It's their wedding and I'm figuring they have a lot on their plate as a result they probably didn't think of another solution.



How about if you don't bring any of the kids?

I don't see anything wrong with telling the kids that mommy and daddy are going out with friends.

Answer 19

Here's my take on it. The fact that your husband has accepted your kids and raised them as his own and now his sister didn't invite them is extremely rude and disrespectful. But I would still go. I just wouldn't bring any of the children. But don't stoop down to her level and not go, it might be what she wants!

Also, your husband needs to address this with his sister. If he truly has accepted your kids as his own, he needs to make that clear with his family so things like this don't happen again.

Answer 20

I would be furious too. I would tell her that it appears she is excluding your other children because they are not blood relatives. If it was MY family I would say either we all go or non of us go.

How does your partner feel about this?

She may be telling the truth about the size of the venue so in that case is she excluding other peoples kids?

When I got married money was tight so we just invited aunts and uncles to the actual wedding. The cousins were invited to the evening reception because we couldn't afford to invite them all to the day.

Answer 21

I don't think she was being nasty - sounds to me like your youngest has been invited so you don't have to get a babysitter - your other kids are old enough to sort themselves out for the night.



The other thing to look at is is she closer to the younger child than to all the others? Is it just you who's incensed by this or is your husband upset too? You haven't mentioned his reaction - does he think this is perfectly fair?

Answer 22

It was mean of her not to include your other children, after all, you have been a family for quite a long time now. I have been to weddings where no children are invited at all, and you would accepted this.

Answer 23

i personally would decline the invitation to her wedding

I think its so out of order.. if the venue was so small she should have not invited your youngest child with your partner so al your children are treated eaqually!

what does your partner think of this? or i would hire a babysitter and go with my partner alone without any of the children! depending on your personality .... I would be rather shocked personally i would decline the invitation as I think she was absolutely rude and disrespectful....jeat least she should have said 'no children' it would make sense as i understand the budget etc etc.



good luck hun

Answer 24

I can see why you're offended as you're their mum.



But as someone else said, its her wedding. If its a small venue, you can see why she wouldnt want 4 kids, that arent even related to her there. Aside of how you feel, only 1 of them is her nephew. Regardless of how long you've been together.



however if it was me personally, I'd have been more tactful and not invited any of them if there wasnt room, rather than be brazenly hurtful.

Answer 25

having recently got married I understand the dilemma,



Perhaps he thinking is the other kids are old enough to look after themselves for the day, but the 10 year old cant,



We didnt invite ny kids to our wedding and in fact from 1 family we had the parents and two daughters, (both 20's) and didnt invite there older brother and the 8 year old sister,



Weddings cost a lot of money, if you dont want to go then dont, I wouldnt take it as an insult,



and if they have agreed say 50 guests each, then its really hard to do

Answer 26

You have every right to be upset and you are making the right decision. Your partner's sister was insensitive and outline for inviting your one child. When it comes to siblings you should never single one of them out like that.

Love & Peace!

Answer 27

it was rude to invite just one but you don't have to be rde back, it won't help. I would just repsond that you and your husband will be going and leave all the kids home that night. Tell the kids it is for grownups only. I don't think any of your kids will even care.

Answer 28

Wow that's a bit much. Yeah that is really rude of her I must say. It's one thing not to invite any children to the wedding. But it is another to pick and choose which ones can come.

Answer 29

i'm with you on this one having a kind of similar situation tho not as drastic this weekend, if it's adults only then fine, but if it's your family wedding, then family should come and if that's inclding a step family then they should be included too, i hate it when people treat step children like they're not as 'good' as natural, my bro's gf has a daughter, we treat her like we do all the nieces and nephews, but hte gf's mum doesn't afford the same treatment to my son's three other children (nor does the gf for that matter!)



family is family, your partner treats them as his children then so should his family.

Answer 30

If only a certain number of guests can be included, I can understand her dilemma. In many cases, children are not invited to a wedding at all. Probably what she should have done is invite you and your husband and no kids. But in this economy particularly, to have to invite a couple with a slew of kids is sometimes not feasible. The bride and groom generally are the ones paying to feed all those people and I would doubt any monetary gift you give is going to offset the cost of seven guests in your family alone. Be reasonable. Go with your husband and do not take any of the children.

Answer 31

I wouldn't go either! That is really rude, in my opinion. Surely if she is limited for space it's best to not invite any of the children to make it fair, as opposed to singling one out.

Answer 32

Thats Terrible, she cant invite one child and not the others!!



Why didnt she just invite yourself and your partner??

Answer 33

ok i would be pissed off too. i would feel like my partners sister didnt respect my other children before you and your partners child together. it is a small venue and usually when inviting people u only want 2 or three people per invitation. and since its her neice/nephew and brother and partner, shes going to invite the closest people. if she invited all of you that would be an extra four people to pay for. just because she didnt invite all of you doesnt mean that she doesnt respect your other kids she is just trying to keep the guestlist small. by inviting your other 4 kids that 4 other older people that wouldnt be able to go. would u rather have 4 close friends at your wedding or 4 more kids. i would go to the wedding, not because of her but because of your partner. I would respect his family. put yourself in her shoes.

Answer 34

sorry but when it comes to children you cant invite one and not the other

thats very shady, and very rude



thats my personal opinion. i would not go if not all my children could attend. if it was just you and your partner than i wouldnt be mad, thats understandable, but one child and not the others? thats rude... and theres no good reason for that at all.



good luck

ella

Answer 35

I think you're overreacting.



I don't think she means to slight your children in any way, room and the amount of people you have to feed IS an issue. She's only inviting the youngest because she must realise that you might not want to leave him alone just yet.



Seriously, I think you should just get over it. It would be very petty to let something like this contaminate your relationship with your sister-in-law.

Answer 36

Totally agree with you. Veto the event. Her attitude is ridiculous - don't you dare buy her a present either!

Answer 37

I think it's fine. She couldn't invite all of them but it's normal for her to want to child that is blood related to her to be there. You are being too sensitive.

Answer 38

So, you think that your $15 toaster is going to cover the cost of feeding 7 mouths???



This is HER wedding, so if you are so offended, don't go. This is HER party and she can invite whomever she wants. The other 4 children are NOT RELATED to her and she is under no obligation to invite your entire brood.



Your are NOT HIS WIFE either, so definetly, you kids cannot be considered family quite yet. If she wants immediate family only, then that's her prerrogative.



Get over yourself

Answer 39

It is their day, not yours. I think it is horrible of guests to say I won't come unless this and this happens or these people are invited. You want 7 guests invited just for your family - weddings are expensive! If you want all your children treated equally then don't take any of them, just go as 2 adults. Put the bride and groom first - presumably you have had your wedding day!

Answer 40

For her to single out one child is pretty awful.



What is she on about ?



Something's fishy ...

Answer 41

Mean sister!

Answer 42

Fully agree with you - don't go.



She MUST accept your kids - one and all - it didn't bother your hubby and the kids are ALL part and parcel.



Good for you - stick up for your beliefs - 100% agree with you.

Answer 43

i wouldnt do my step there...

Answer 44

Get over yourself, it's her day, not yours.



It's an incredibly short sighted, spiteful thing to miss your sisters wedding for this reason. She has said it's a small venue, and in my mind that's a good enough reason.



Try putting someone other than yourself first for once in your life.



EDIT - yes I would, she's given you her reasons, and you're turning it into this big thing / family feud because of it. Like I said, it's her day, therefore her rules, and you're thinking of ruining it for her - slow hand clap for you.