My wedding, and my mother, are getting out of control!?!?

Question

I am generally a pretty straight-forward, speak my mind kind of person, but I seem to be getting run over from all sides when it comes to my wedding. The wedding is a month away in Clearwater, FL. About 45 people are coming, mostly family, with a few friends. For the last 7 months, I have been planning the wedding day and all of that is pretty much done except for the last calls with the vendors. As we get closer though, my mother keeps throwing in more things to plan. "What about the night before?" "What about the night everyone arrives?" "What about the night after?" I want everyone to have a good time, but I don't think we have to plan an activity for every second that people are there, it is at a beach, there are plenty of things for people to do. Additionally, we don't have the money to fund things, and my mother wants to host them, but she doesn't want to pay for them. My fiance and I finally broke down and paid for a wine tasting the night before...continued...

Answer 1

Deep breaths, deep breaths! :) If you can't afford it, and she can't either, just keep kindly explaining, like a broken record, "I hear you, mom, but we don't have the money to fund any more things, and so unless feel that you would like to pay for this, I'm afraid there is no way this will be able to happen." Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.



Methinks your mom is overdoing it - I agree with you, not every second of the time needs to be planned. And furthermore, what about the rehearsal dinner (which, BTW, is typically paid for by the groom's family)? What's this with the wine tasting? People need to have the time to relax and socialize and enjoy the beach, or read a book by the pool, they are not 5-year olds, and they do not need or maybe even do not WANT someone to schedule their every minute; I'm with you. Your mom is just getting hyper-nervous, and is over-thinking. If you have some sort of commercially-prepared wedding checklist - or if you can FIND one that suits your needs - you can point out gently that it does not list these things, and therefore such activities are not traditional and certainly not required. (I mean, come on - planning for the night AFTER??!! You, and they, may not even be there! Get real!!!!)



When she pulls this stunt, you can say you appreciate her thoughtfulness (yeah, I know, bite your tongue!!!), but it is important to keep the budget in mind, and you are sure that your guests will enjoy themselves. Say this kindly, and without a trace of frustration in your voice, even if you feel like you've said it fifteen times, and you'd like to choke her.



Look at it this way, sweetie - it's good practice for being a parent, when you have a 4-year old that is diligently and constantly thinking up new ways to create mayhem and destruction! LOL. It is a wonderful skill to learn the art of deflection, which I know is REALLY challenging for straightfoward, say-it-like-it-is kinds of people like you and me!!! Good luck, and hang in there!



Oh, and remember that every hotel in the world has tourist information and flyers in the lobby. Part of the fun in traveling is the special activities you can find through your own hotel.



PS. Given your comment about your fiance's lack of help in the planning, then maybe you can use that information, if you choose to, in talking with your mom. "I am just out of time and energy, as well as money, to be planning any more than is already on our plates. I know you mean to be thoughtful, mom, but really, you are just stressing me out with these add-ons, and I really please wish you would stop. "

Answer 2

I almost had the same problem. What I did was first placed my hands on my moms shoulders and looked her very seriously in the eyes and softly, yet very firmly told her "Mom, this is my wedding, and my special day. It may not go exactly as planned, or as dreamed, but this day will be perfect no matter what happens because I am marrying the man I love." Of course add your own twist to it, but that should get the general idea across to your mom that you want to have control of what is going on, and that the wedding doesn't have to be "perfect" and fully planned out to be the best day of your life. If that does not get the point across, try a little reverse psychology on her. Tell her you want to change all you plans and go way out in left field, like telling her you have decided you want to have an Elvis theme wedding in Vegas or something. She will be happy to hear that later you decided to switch back to most of your original plans.

I really encourage you not to fill all the time you have at your wedding. Things always seem to take up more time than you can plan for, so any little gaps of time between events will quickly get filled.

Take a deep breath, and enjoy your happy day ;)

Answer 3

You're right, of course, your guests don't want all their time planned, they're adults and know how to have fun on their own. So, don't plan anything. Tell your mom you want to have a perfect wedding and reception and that's all you have the time and energy to focus on without becoming overwhelmed and stressed (if you could shed a little tear at this point...). Then step out of it. Think about canceling the wine tasting if you won't enjoy it or if you think drinking and/or driving might be a problem.



What your mom can do is contact people at their hotels or before the wedding by mail(don't help her!) and invite them for a drink the night before at a restaurant or bar. "While the bride and groom are busy getting ready for the big day we're going to sip a glass of champagne in their honor". Then your mom just has to pay for the first drink, people don't feel obligated to come, your mom will feel like she's entertaining the crowd, and you don't have to be there. The same thing could work for the day after, again you don't have to be there.

Answer 4

Instead of planning every second that the guests are there, maybe it would be better if you just did a little research on attractions and things to do in Clearwater and sent a little memo out to your guests. Let them decide what they want to do while they are in the area! You don't want to be obligated to entertain then the entire time, and I'm sure they don't want to have an itinerary the entire time either!



P.S. I am having the same problems. My wedding is in ONE month and the MIL keeps throwing more guests to the list even though the final count for food and everything has been submitted. I feel for you!

Answer 5

You need to flat out tell your mom that although you would like to have fun things for everyone to do the entire time, you simply can't afford to pay for everyone to do them. And the night after the wedding, I think you and your new husband should be spending some one-on-one time, not worrying about entertaining your guests! You need to just tell her how you feel about everything, or else this next month will be miserable for you!

Just keep in mind that in the end, it will all be worth it! Good luck!

Answer 6

My wife's mother was like that when I got married. You have to stand your ground. Just have a good time and remember something you don't plan always seems to go wrong but just keep your mind on the happy goal and you will be ok. For all the planning you have done, the day goes by so fast.

Answer 7

I think you just calmly need to tell her you are very happy and appreciative that she has done so much for you, but you and your fiance are unable to fund these events. And just leave it at that.



I know everything is done, but the last month is the worse because you (and your mother) think of every possible thing you could possibly do or could go wrong. About a month before my wedding I was ready to elope. Just hang in there, it will be okay.

Answer 8

Ahhhh, yes, Bride Hell. We have pretty much all been through it.



Just keep it simple. Tell her if she wants to do something not on your list then she needs to plan it and pay for it herself.



My son got married in March and it was a lovely wedding, but they had so much planned for every waking minute - it was just too much.



Guests need a chance to settle down and rest or go do things they want to do - especially if they are first time visitors to your area.



Just say NO.

Answer 9

Maybe she's just super-excited that her daughter's getting married, and wants it to be a total "event," like the ones you see on Platinum Weddings, but she's forgetting the minor detail of you not being able to afford all the extra parties, etc. Maybe youcan compromise with some less-expensive activities at the beach, like a fun bonfire the night after, or maybe a goofy field-day type thing with silly events like three-legged races and egg-and-spoon races and stuff. It will be fun for everyone but it won't cost you much at all. Your mom's right, though, by the way- destination weddings like the one you're having should be planned with an itinerary of fun activities besides the wedding and reception. If your guests choose to go off by themselves, that's their choice, but as the hosts of this wedding weekend, you need to offer them some activities.

Answer 10

Put your foot down and tell your mom that you simply cannot afford to do all of those activities and fund them for your guests. Tell her that you don't need to plan every minute of every day for them and would like to leave them time to enjoy themselves and do their own thing--I'm sure that they'll be thankful because it's tiring to have activities planned all day, everyday for guests.



Once you've explained it to her, don't even bother entertaining her ideas at that point. The more you take notice of it and get worked up, the harder it will be.

Answer 11

"Mom, it does sound fun. But everything we plan will cost more money. We're content with things the way they've been planned."



"If you feel like we should plan more activities, I can only think of two options. But they both bother me. You and Dad will have to organize it and foot the bill, or we can tell people that we will be having drinks, or whatever, and tell them that any expenses are their own. But they are welcome to join us."



I'll leave the decision to you and Dad. But, you're already spending so much money on the wedding that I really hate to see you to have additional expenses. (Fiance's name) and I are totally happy leaving things like they are now. We don't want anyone to have to spend more money on the wedding."

Answer 12

Your mom is getting excited and not sure what to do with her excited energy. Besides, it may be your wedding, but she feels she is the one that is going to have feel accountable to her family and feels responsible for them.



Just tell her "That's a GREAT idea mom, but I'm just not sure if I have the time and budget to pull that off. If you want to tackle that, it would be great, but personally I'd us rather focus on making the things we have already planned really special."



It validates her, but lets her know where you stand. It also lets her know that you don't want to pay for it, and don't expect her to pay for it either. However, if it is THAT important to her that something occurs, then let her.



I think that a plan for the night before is very appropriate, but I don't think you should have to plan for after the wedding. But you mom is correct in that you do need to plan for your guests a bit more with a destination wedding.



Many couples do a morning after brunch when it is a destination wedding or a lot of people have traveled out of town, and that would be nice - but not something you should worry over or even pay for. At my brother in law's beach wedding he had arranged for us to all have brunch together if we wanted, but we all paid ourselves. He just arranged for the large group reservation at the restaurant, and it wasn't everyone - just immediate family. That might be a happy compromise.

Answer 13

tell her you dont want to voerplan. ?not every second should be planned, people want free time to explore and spend time with friends and family. As much as it is a aprty, everyone wants to relax too. Thank her for all the help and planning but tell her you are getting overwhelmed a bit. maybe she can write down any other ideas for you to go over at good times.

Answer 14

Simple....here is your mantra the next time Mom comes up with a bright idea " Great idea, but we have no money for that...do you? "Cause you'll have to pay for it. "



and then "Mom, these are adults attending a wedding, not a bunch of kids going to camp that need every waking minute of Life planned out"......



Guests expect to have a fun time at the wedding...they are not expecting you to provide entertainment before or after 24-7......



or



When she starts in "what about......" you counter with '' what about it?" Then, " You're overthinking this, the Day will take care of itself".......and " I have no more money in the budget, YOU'LL have to pay for all these extras, and guests do need their own time to breathe....let them breathe, Mom...."



and refuse to pay for anymore guest entertainments...if Mom wants to host stuff, then she has to pay for it...

Answer 15

Welcome to the wonderful world of wedding planning. :)



Mom wants everything to be perfect for you, your guests; she doesn't want to look like an inconsiderate hostess; she's pictured this day in her mind since you were little, so cut her some slack.



I agree with you, do what you can & then your guests are on their own.

Sit Mom down & tell her that you so much appreciate her & her input, but you've done everything YOU'RE going to do for your wedding. Tell her you don't want to have anymore stress or you'll chuck it all & elope. (kidding, too) But she'll get the point. She'll calm down.

Answer 16

GOSH,.... we have the exact same problem/blessing!! LOL!!!!!



My super sweet./ generous, proactive, enthusiastic FMIL wants to plan every single details for the guests, and it's driving me nuts.



I understand that she's being very nice by offering all of this courtesies: transportation, hotel accomodations, rehearsal dinner for all etc... but come'on!!!!



People do not need to be put on a schedule, specially since they are traveling to a vacationing spot. People do need time on their own and do their own thing. We are not talking about babies here, they are all adults and they can find their way for christ sake, every one knows about mapquests and they are restaurants in ever corner.



The lates one, my FMIL wants some hot passed hors d'oeuvres, mind you, we have already paid for a raw bar and a huge seafood buffet that includes a lobster per person, chicken, ribs, pork.. and all the sides and whistles of a clam bake. So ok, we are buying the hot passed hord'oeuvres just to pacify her because "she wante to offer an alternative for those that don't like a raw bar" Ok, I get it, very nice, buy we are spending $229 per person and there is so much food already. Waste (not price) is a concern of mine. Is not like people are going to go hungry for Pete's sake.



-Now she's pestering me about the hotel. We got a block of rooms for our guests... so it's their responsability to book them, right?? But she wants me to call and tell them to book them and we can't do that. They can stay wherever they feel like it IMO and thay are not obligated to stay in a particular place. Mind you, my very generous and great FIL have contracted a limo services for all guests staying in that hotel to and from the venue,. so yes, I get it... but I cannot force grown-up people to book their own hotel rooms. They ones that they alreday book they did it on their own. They have the information, both on the website and also on inserts on the invitations , so what else she wants me to do????? to call them and tell themnto do it./.. NO WAY! I had no choice that to tell her that they are informed and it's up to them.



I really REALLY love them, but they are going over board with their hospitality. People do not like being hoarded like cattle and pressure to go to a bunch of activities. I'm sure thay can appreciate some time alone. I agree with you 100%.



Be honest and tell them.



Good luck and congratulation

Answer 17

All you have to say is: my fiance and I don't have the money to fund so many gatherings, so unless you're prepared to supply the food and drinks, then there's nothing that can be done. You've already compromised with the wine-tasting, and maybe you should mention that, too.

Answer 18

Yikes!!!! tell your mum from me don't have extra people in the house its a disaster.night before should be a relaxing night any thing else should be done earlier.

When my second daughter married I was crying as I couldn't find some pins of all things.

She is about to married again on October and she is doing it all herself and doing a wonderful job I'm sure glad i'm not involved once is enough!!!!!!!

Answer 19

set a precedent with this wedding and with your family, that you will not be pushed around and that your wishes will be observed. it sounds like a small informal wedding and if your mom has a problem with that, and wants a bunch of other formalized activities, tell her she is free to plan and pay for whatever she wants, and she can just tell you what time to show up. it's your wedding, furthermore you're the bride, so people should be treating you, not you shelling out for every single thing. it should be worry free and expense free for the bride and groom.

Answer 20

You are just going to have to get a backbone and tell you mother she is fired. Her sole job is to attend as mother of the bride.

Answer 21

well what YOU have to do is talk to your mom in a nice way & tell her how you feel about what you jsut said to us

SHE will unterstand

she just wants the best for you

Answer 22

Honey,just straight out tell your mum that I dont want to plan anything else for the wedding.I'm done.No more planning.I got everything in order,it's done.

Answer 23

this is YOUR wedding not anyone else's remember that