Is my friend unreasonable as a bride?

Question

I agreed to be in my friends wedding. She claimed it would be inexpensive as possible. I just finished school and work ONE day a week.

It started with the MOH texts, guest list of 60 people, sit-down brunch, with a tea party theme. What alarmed me was the MOH never consulted with us about budgets, buffet versus sit-down meal, different locations, other affordable themes. The brunch is estimated $2,500 before decorations. Her mother is only paying for centerpieces and invites. This party could cost me upwards of $300 excluding a gift. Long story short, the bride indicated she understood and her wedding was to be fun. She's been passive aggressive texting she would cancel the shower all-together, She stated how there was time for all of us to save money, that I could always split half the cost with the two MOH's, which is still hefty at $150.

I thought a bridal shower was a GIFT to the bride, which the bridesmaids plan and select the budget? I feel her responses have been borderline rude, suggesting I start a savings account for her party? I have no problem spending $75 toward cupcakes, flowers, balloons, etc., but not paying for the entire party. I've confronted both bride and MOH about my situation, they say it's understood, but then I'm still receiving texts about "what everyone is contributing financially." I'm sticking to my personal boundaries, that is, I refuse to go into debt, however how do I do that without ruining the friendship?

Answer 1

They don't have a gun to your head and therefore cannot force you to spend money you don't want to spend.



Just keep saying, "I can offer you $75 toward the shower." That's it. Don't explain or apologize, don't try to get them to see it your way, don't argue with them.



"I can offer you $75 toward the shower." Lather, rinse, repeat.



If they complain that it's not enough, simply reply with, "Sorry you feel that way but that's what I can contribute" and then stop discussing it. They cannot force you to continue the discussion ... and if you DO keep arguing with them, you'll be sending the message that maybe they can wear you down if they just complain enough.



If they say that the other girls are all contributing more, you can reply with, "Well, had you included me in the plans from the beginning, I could've told you immediately that $75 is all I can contribute and you could've taken that into consideration." That's a bit passive-aggressive, but if you're at the point where they're really pushing it then feel free to say it.



If they choose to hold a grudge over this, or change/end their friendship with you over a stupid party, then so be it. That's not your problem, and if that's the case then you're better off without them anyway.



Your main problem here is that you keep allowing yourself to get involved in the conversation. That is why they keep bugging you about it. Just say, "$75 is all I can offer you, take it or leave it" and then remove yourself from the conversation and leave the ball in their court. If you choose to keep the conversation going, then frankly it's your own fault if you get annoyed or bothered.

Answer 2

Just spend what you intend to spend and leave it at that. If your friend is so immature and stupid that she doesn't realize you have a personal budget, there's nothing you can do about it. There's no use arguing. Set some boundaries.

Answer 3

Whoever volunteered to host this shindig is the one who gets to foot the bill for it. Stop feeling obligated to help pay for a party you didn't put your hand up to host.

Answer 4

There is no way you are going to win, if you try to explain to the fact that your bridesmaid duties consist of getting the dress and walking down the aisle on time and smiling. My best suggestion is to quietly and succinctly tell her you have realized you are not in a position to be her bridesmaid, but would love to attend as a guest. You don't owe them an accounting of your finances, simply saying you have just graduated should be more than enough.



They clearly don't know much about etiquette - about how a shower should never be hosted by any member of the family, or any friend or attendant be embarrassed in any way, or stuck with a bill they did not plan. This whole situation is barreling down the hill without brakes, and your best choice is to simply step back and get out of the way.



If the bride decides to be indignant and breaks off the friendship, so be it. She apparently had been edging in that direction anyway, if she let people put you in that situation in the first place. people change as they grow up, and definitely when they get married. My guess is that if you part, it was about to happen anyway. It'll be cheaper and less traumatic if you do it now.

Answer 5

What you need to do is to hand over the $75 you said you have budgeted, and tell the MOH that that this is all you can afford to give.



They already said they understood, stop paying victim. And if is still too much, you should step down and spare everyone else unnecessary drama.

Answer 6

Both the bride and MOH seem to be misinformed about the duties and obligations of a bridesmaid. Your ONLY requirements are to purchase the dress and show up on time and sober on the day of the wedding with a smile on your face. You are not required and should not be expected to chip in for any party, brunch, or other events. There are no requirements for these events to happen. IF someone wants to host a luncheon or bachelorette party THEY and they alone are responsible for the cost of the event. If they cannot afford it, then they shouldn't host it. IF a group of people wants to host an event, they must decide BEFORE hand how much they are willing to spend.



If your friends don't know this, I don't know that you can expect to keep the friendship -- but who would want to anyway.

Answer 7

Here's standard etiquette rules: whoever hosts the shower pays for it. So if the MOH is the host, tell her that you are not paying at all or if you are it'll be like $50.



Side note: 60 people is awfully excessive for a shower. Could the guest list be trimmed? Showers are for close friends and family, not every female invited to the wedding.

Answer 8

Sit down, figure out your total budget for this wedding. You are NOT obligated to pay for anything but your dress. Even a gift is a necessity.



Learn to speak up for your self and be clear. Don't leave wiggle room by saying I could pay a little towards the shower.

Bridesmaids do not have to contribute to the shower. The host, who is throwing the shower pays for it.

My daughter had two bridal showers, her bridesmaid didn't pay anything for either of them. Nor where they expected to. We knew funds were tight with all of them.

I would call bride and tell her. My situation and budget is such that I can only afford the dress and alterations. And my budget for that is $200(what ever amount is reasonable of your budget) I will not be contributing to anything else. If she throws a fit ....I am disappointed I can spend more, but I can not . if you feel it is best I step down because I can afford everything I will.

It sounds like the bride isn't listening to you. You need to be blunt.

Answer 9

Well, it sounds like your backbone is more highly evolved than a lot of people, but you still don't quite have all those vertebrae in place. (Ok, that was odd).



The only thing you've done wrong here is engage too much. Etiquette has a saying that "No is a complete sentence". That might be too blunt, but there are still ways of making it clear you aren't part of this.



With $80k in student debt, you need to fully and completely bail on this. If it ends a friendship, then...well, I'm sure you see where I'm going with that.



Also, based on my experience, I'm guessing there are others in your predicament. This whole thing is a trainwreck, and that always starts with a MOH going on a spending spree and expecting her minions to cough up the cash. Ugh.



PS - To answer your title question, not just yes. Hell yes.

Answer 10

You are in no obligation to financially support her wedding. You are there to emotionally support and if you WANTED to help organize her event. That does not include paying for it. It does include helping her find a venue SUGGESTIONS helping assemble decorations (not pay for them). It is the bride/grooms 100% responsibility to finance their wedding. You don't even have to explain it like that. The only thing you have to say is you cannot afford that. Tell her YOUR budget and if she is a true friend she will not even be bothered by it.



I highly doubt she would pay that much for your wedding. Don't be suckered.

Answer 11

I have friends who can't afford it financially when they got married and i was happy to help out although i work full time.

Answer 12

I agree with RWIL, step down from being in this wedding.

Answer 13

Yes.

Answer 14

First, stop feeling guilty or obligated. Second, calculate what you can afford.

Your gifts don't have to be expensive. For her shower, you can give her a little something blue or a nightie from Target. For her wedding, you can go to Marshalls and buy something for kitchen/dining for $10 that looks like it was $50. Don't stress about gifts.

You dont have to justify to anyone why you can afford what you can it or how much you will contribute. You are helping and it should be appreciated no matter what.

Send the MOB a text and say I am writing you a check for $x to contribute towards the party. I am happy to help with the set up or any tasks that would be useful for you.

If she writes back anything other than "Ok thanks!" Just write back "Wish I could do more. Let me know if you need any help!" Make that your standard response to this conversation!

Now let go. Enjoy this time for the bride. Be her emotional support. And be positive and fun because that is so important for her.

Answer 15

Is it a brunch or shower? Either way, with 60 guests I'm assuming the bride herself is the honored guest since it's in her honor. The hosts plan and pay for events - the bride doesn't get to dictate everything and demand that others foot the bill. Sixty for a bridal shower is excessive - worse when she's/they are simply planning and telling you what "your part" will be.



Party planning 101: People volunteer to host a party, and discuss what they want to do, and their budget. They present the idea to the bride, who may either accept it decline, and the hosts move forward cementing a date and location. The bride shows up for the event. That's her involvement.



No one should have to save up for the costs associated with a party, particularly when one was never consulted about the budget in the first place. By the same token, I probably wouldn't have taken it up with the bride either. They need to downgrade their plans or find more hostesses.

Answer 16

Oh, no, no, no, no, do not pull that passive aggressive BS on me because it WILL come back on you. If I were being put in this position I would probably text back with, "Gee, it looks like I might not be able to contribute as much as $75 after all." That's all you say. I wouldn't be surprised if that $75 was suddenly acceptable. Also, a sit down brunch for 60 is absurd for a bridal shower. Just because you invite 60 people doesn't mean all 60 will show. Good grief. What bridal magazine are they getting these ideas from? Lifestyles of the Rich and Ridiculous?



If Bridezilla isn't happy with what you can afford then offer to bow out entirely - especially if you think these other attendants will be badmouthing you behind your back to the bride.

Answer 17

No, bridzilla

Answer 18

If I were you I'd tell them again, the maximum you can contribute. Any texts asking for more should be answered, politely, that is all you spend.



If they end a friendship because you are doing the best you can, so be it. But I think they will be fine with what you offer.