Why do people get so vehemently upset about cash bar/money dances?

Question

I read many boards where guests are outraged at the idea of a cash bar or a money dance occurring at a wedding. I'm wondering if there is a way to find out who is of this opinion so I don't invite them to my wedding! haha. I really don't want to affiliate with anyone let alone invite someone to my wedding who is of the opinion that they are coming to drink from a bottomless bar at my expense rather than share in the celebration and appreciate what we were able to provide. My mom is hosting beer and wine at the wedding and I would feel silly to ask her to host a full bar when they are enjoying a nice dinner, etc.
In regards to the money dance, it's cultural thing that is unavoidable in my family. One of my cousins tried to avoid putting one in the timeline but family just started to get up and do it and it threw off the whole time schedule. I would rather incorporate it so this doesn't happen but is there a way to do so without offending those who are NOT family members. My family won't be offended but friends who are not of my culture may think this strange and I don't know how to fix that, although if I can't it's something I suppose I will just live with!

Answer 1

It's got a lot to do with where you grew up. Where I'm from a cash bar is the norm but the money dance was something I'd never heard of (until I came on here).



In the end, you know your guests and your guests know you and they'll all be a lot more understanding than a bunch of random internet strangers who have no clue about your culture and community.



Providing beer and wine is more than enough. And if your guests complain then they're being greedy. There's a fine line between being a gracious host and being a door-mat to your guests. And if your family members want a money dance, go for it. You're not putting a gun to the other guests' heads and saying "Gimme money!". They should understand that it's cultural, not take it so personally and move on.



Good luck with everything.

Answer 2

The why is because to some people culturally they are so absolutely rude that its no different than selling a ticket to attend the wedding. A person is a guest and shouldn't be put in a position to have to open their wallet at all - for anything - when they are attending a wedding.



As for the cash bar, its basically - don't offer some things for free then charge for other things. If you can't afford a full bar, then only offer the beer & wine - as you are - or just soft drinks.



As for the money dance, I realize its a cultural thing, its not part of my culture so I do think they are not appropriate but it is part of your culture and I understand that. What I would suggest you do is have the DJ make an announcement explaining that the money dance will be done and that it is a part of your culture (maybe explain the cultural significance) and that nobody should feel pressured to participate if they prefer not to. Its the nicest you can be under the circumstance.

Answer 3

I am probably having a cash bar at my wedding. I understand the sentiment in not wanting your guests to have to pay for anything when they attend your event, but when your guest list is only 40 people to begin with it's pretty hard to narrow it down even more without gravely insulting a close family member. The way I see it so far as the cash bar is concerned, either you invite everyone you want to be there and some people get offended they have to pay for drinks, or you cut your guest list and have and some people get offended that they weren't invited. I THINK people would rather be invited and have to pay for their own liquor if soft drinks and wine aren't enough than not be invited at all, but I guess if that's not the case they don't have to show up. Only inviting people who wouldn't come to my reception to get smashed would mean excluding my father and one of my grandfathers, neither of which are contributing financially to the wedding, so it seems to me it's a tough choice all around! And my family would be simply OUTRAGED if we chose not to serve alcohol at all, or only beer. So I think the least offensive choice for my family that doesn't involve me giving up my honeymoon just so I can pay for an open bar is to serve wine, soft drinks, and water with dinner and if they simply MUST HAVE something else to be happy, they can go up to the bar and buy it. Do what works best for you and your family, everyone has a different story and a different financial situation. I mean seriously, someone is telling you that because the economy is bad you should shell out bucks to pay for everyone's drinking habits-- I don't know about you, but the economy is bad and I am starting a marriage, I can't afford it any better than they can!



As for the money dance, if it's a cultural thing why not just do it within the family? Have the DJ or band announce that the family is now going to do a money dance, and no one else has to participate. Seems like it'd work to me. I don't get why people get so outraged about some of these wedding etiquette things, it's not as if anyone is REQUIRED to dance with you if they object to the game.

Answer 4

Giving a gift to a couple should come purely out of the guest's love and generosity. Gifts are not mandatory, contrary to popular belief. Having a money dance makes people feel like you are ungrateful with what they might choose (or not choose) to give and they need to be told or have that solicited. It's not the same when the gift is asked, expected or peer-pressured (because the money dance is such a public event).



And as far as the cash bar, if you invite someone to be a guest at a wedding and you are hosting it, it is generally rude to request they pay their own expenses. If you cannot afford it, simply omit it or par your guest list down so you can take care of the guests who come. Similarly, if you invited someone to stay as a guest in your home, it would be rude to request that they pay for certain things like food or drink. Additionally, if they choose to bring a hostess gift it's considered very generous and thoughtful but it should never be expected or mandatory.



Hope this helps =)



*Update* Honestly, I have never heard about a problem with people drinking too much and driving after a wedding. If this is a problem, just close the bar after a certain period of time during the reception or make sure your bartender does a good job cutting people off. If you host a party and allow someone to drive home from it drunk, do you seriously think you have no responsibility at all in the situation??

Answer 5

Worrier, FWIW I'm with you on the issue of people who believe that attendance at a wedding means they're getting a get-blitzed-free opportunity. I do not think that anyone is obligated to provide free drinks at a wedding; if the bridal couple chooses to have a "dry" wedding, that's their option; likewise, if the bridal couple chooses to offer a cash bar, that's their option, and it seems to me that it is rude, crass and boorish for a guest to complain about the food and/or beverages provided for them. I was taught to assume that when you are invited to a party, you are going for the opportunity to celebrate with people whose company you enjoy, and that the host/hostess are providing the best refreshments they can. To complain about what is provided is rude beyond belief, IMO.



With regards to the dollar dance: I have heard that this is a cultural thing, but I personally find the dollar dance and connotation it carries, that the bride can be "rented," abhorrent. The dollar dance tradition is a carryover from the days when when were considered to be chattel properties of their families-- first of their father, as head of the family, and afterward of their husband, and that the male family members could do what they would with the female family members. I don't care whose culture we're talking about or how many people are invested in the idea that somehow this is an okay thing, if it was my wedding, there would be blood shed before I would participate and I would let whatever family members think otherwise know that. I would have no problem with telling anyone who thought that they could override me on this that they would be invited to leave the party. And I would make darn sure my husband was on board with me about this.



It's your wedding, good luck and good wishes.

Answer 6

Many of us come from cultures where hospitality is a sacred duty, and the privilege of entertaining guests is highly valued. In contrast, buying and selling is seen as a commercial activity that violates the code of hospitality and abuses the guest. So, inviting someone as a guest and then charging them money is, in our cultures, a form of betrayal -- and a betrayal of a sacred trust, at that.



Of course, in cultures that do hold to the sanctity of guest-right, guests are expected to honour their hosts in return and don't take improper advantage of their hosts' generosity. But, neither do they feel cheated by a host who doesn't provide things that are beyond her means. In the case of your mom, beer and wine being within her means, guests from my culture would be graciously appreciative of the beer and wine.



The "money dance" is a different matter. When the people who WANT to give money initiate a cultural custom related to that gift, and the bride goes along with the custom but is not the initiator of it, then the dance is merely a form of generosity on the part of the initiators. When the bride or groom plan it as a fund-raiser, they have turned their wedding into common street busking. The circumstances -- and the tone -- surrounding the custom make all the difference. There are no cultures where self-serving greed is customary.

Answer 7

Honestly it's b/c it's a violation of etiquette. Cash bars are rude. You don't host an event and ask them to pay for attending. I agree with you that you don't invite someone who is of the opinion they are coming to drink from a bottomless bar, but it's really no different than you chosing to serve lobster and then handing everyone a $30 bill. They are outraged b/c it is rude. You serve what you can afford. If it's just beer and wine (which is what I did) then that is fine. If you want to offer some things (some signature drinks, chapagne toasts, and certain wines) but have others available for purchase that is becoming more acceptable. But a wedding is not a for-profit event. You don't charge admission, you don't serve people food you can't afford and you don't charge them for liquor you couldn't afford.



I expect to get lots of thumbs down for it but if you read Emily Post and Mrs Manners, those are the rules. I didn't create them. But I do have a solution for you--



As for the money dance, that is a cultural thing. People who are outraged do not understand the culture. However what I recommend is putting some cultural items on your table. For example I went to a chinese wedding where the person had as part of the centerpiece a list of chinese traditions. The red gown, the red envelopes. It was great as she was American but her parents were born in China. I think it would be nice if you had a list of some of your cultural traditions and one of them would be the money dance. That way people would not see it as rude.

Answer 8

on the bar question, i think beer and wine is just fine. not everyone can afford to pay for an open bar. i know a lot of people who do this and no one seems to mind. and about the money dance, if people don't like it, they don't have to dance with the bride and groom. i have never been to a wedding reception without one, and if it is your custom who are we to judge eachother? have the wedding you want and forget what others think. and i have never heard of anyone being sued for having an open bar. that is crazy. it's not like they were shoving the drinks down people's throats. whatever happened to self control or having a designated driver? i think people need to take responsibility for themselves.

Answer 9

If you do have an open bar its very very important you take our the proper insurance, even if the venue says they have coverage, your better to pay the $100 from the local insurance company and get more insurance, just for that reason.



That being said, I have italien friends who wouldnt dream of not having an open bar, in there case, there families expect it, and there for their parents have footed the bill, it wasnt the bride and grooms money being used.



I personally am not willing to fund my guests alcohol, I am however offering a bottle of red and white white per table, and we will have extra wine if people are interested, we also will have a champagne toast, the wine is to complement the dinner, not to over drink, and chapagne is for guests to toast, if people decide they want to drink a beer, highball, or some other funky drink, its on their dime.



We will however most likely offer to buy family a drink , and me and my fiance will most likely offer to buy friends a drink (especially our bridal party) but we arent advertising this, rather, Ill order an extra drink and offer it to someone im talking to, or if I notice my uncle is having beer, I may bring him one over and chit chat with him for a bit.



In reality, if you make the alcohol a smaller part of your wedding, your wedding is going to go over much smoother then if your advertising that the drinks are "on the house".

Answer 10

Since the money dance is part of your culture, I wouldn't worry about it offending people. I think it just grates people when the couple does it just for the sake of getting extra money out of their guests.



As for the open bar, as long as some alcohol is provided guests shouldn't be too upset.

Answer 11

I understand about the money dance and different cultures, but to me and not being raised in that culture, it looks like a grab for money and is just corny.. I know someone who did that, and NOBODY danced with them at all at their wedding...Plus, who am I to charge people do dance with me?? And there's people who brought gifts and gave money in giftcards and such, so why make them pay even more?



Then at our wedding, we had a bar going, but whoever wanted an acoholic drink, paid for that drink. We felt we didn't need to cater to that part, especially since we're not big drinkers and not a whole lot of other guest weren't either. Plus it helped with the people who just wanted to come to our reception thinking they'd get sh!tfaced and leave...



We already supplied two types of Hawiian punch for kids and nine other kinds of soda(pop) so people had drinks, but if they wanted that little "luxury" of alcohol, they had to pay for it themselves.

Answer 12

I don't mind having to pay for liquor but I think beer, wine and soft drinks should be paid for. It's just a courtesy when having a party that guests not need to be paying for things. As for the dance it is a cultural and regional thing. I've been to over 30 weddings and never seen it done. I've just heard about it on here. Apologize to your friends later for it. Not much else you can do.

Answer 13

Would you charge your friends and family for drinks at a party at your house? No I didn't think so. So why is it ok to do that at a wedding? It's not about the guest coming to drink from a bottomless bar, it is about you being a gracious host. To charge your guests for anything is just plain rude. Would you hit your friends up for money during the middle of dinner at your house? Hell no. That's why the money dance is terrible too.

Answer 14

Cash bars are lame. Your friend is lying, you cant sue for that. Trust me. You cant sue a bartender or an establishment for serving you, um so how would you sue a married couple? Stop being stupid. I am in law school, you dont know what you are talking about.



With that said, dollar dances are only acceptable in certain cultures. if its in your culture, do it. If you arent hispanic or polish, you are low class and money grubbing. Same goes for people who do cash bar. No way around it.

Answer 15

I would keep your wedding dry, because as the other poster said, youcould be liable for their drinking and driving mishaps. You served the alcohol, and therefore your responsible for how much they drink because they were a guest at your wedding.



It happened to someone that I know of. She had a cash bar, and told everyone to be responsible. The guest got drunk, ran into a light pole, and tried to sue my friend and her husband for his stupidity. He lost! She ended up suing him for defamation of character, pain and suffering, and legal fees. He had to cough up a good deal of money, because he bad mouthed her, her husband, and she lost business because of him. So just be careful.



good luck.

Answer 16

It's rude to expect/demand people to fork over money just because you believe you're entitled to it. In the current economy, unless you are on Donald Trump's payroll, there are people who are still losing their homes and jobs, and others who can't find jobs no matter where they look, and can't afford their own bills or even groceries. So they obviously don't have money to hand over to you when they are barely scraping by themselves.



You asked about how to fix it so that others aren't offended while still sticking to the money dance? There isn't any way. There is no way to be tactful and courteous to your guests while you are being rude to them. In the situation of your family ruining your cousin's wedding by adding it when it was not scheduled, that is the dj's fault for not sticking to the timeline that the couple gave him and it's the family's fault for not respecting the couple's wishes at all. Just because something may be cultural, no one is holding a gun to your head saying you must have it or else they will blow your brains out on the spot. You have to learn to put both your feet down and say no to things you are not comfortable with. If you are a grown adult and you still allow other people to bully you, then it only proves you aren't that mature yet if you can't stand up for yourself at all. If that means upsetting family, then so be it. Your wedding does not revolve around their wishes. If it did, they would be the ones getting married, not you.



As far as the cash bar goes, it's considered rude to expect people to pay for their own food/drinks at a party you are hosting. Many people say this is a poor example but it's not: do you invite people over for dinner or a party at your house and then charge them if they want to drink anything other than water? No, no one does. How is that any different from a large-scale wedding? You are choosing to invite a certain number of people and with that comes the social obligation of providing food and drinks for them within your budget. If you can't afford something, you don't offer it, period. Just like if you were having someone over for dinner, you would never say "we do have (insert name of incredibly expensive/rare alcohol) but you'll have to pay for it by the glass". You would be lucky if that person didn't laugh at you and get up to walk out the door, never to come back again. Your wedding is no different. Your other option is to cut the guest list to whatever you can afford so that they don't have to pay for anything once they arrive at the reception.



Edit: regarding your updated information, that is the bartender's fault for not cutting off people when they become intoxicated. That is one of their responsibilities and it sounds like that venue has written into its insurance policy and contracts that couples sign that they are not responsible for such a thing, which is highly sketchy. A bartender is clearly not doing their job if they allow intoxicated people to continue to get drinks, and that person needs to be fired. If it's the venue making the rules and signing away all responsibility, then they need to be reported to the proper authorities and no one patronize their business.

Answer 17

We're all posting from different countries, and from different parts of those countries. What's acceptable and normal in one area may not be in another. So I think that's why we've got so many conflicting opinions.

Answer 18

i could vote "brian h: Is the Saudi Prince a dictator? think of previously you ask a stupid question." for the terrific answer, it of course describes Republican reaction to the two activities - lack of information.

Answer 19

If you don't want to spend the money on having a bar, then don't have one - cash bars at weddings are just tacky.

Answer 20

I got bashed alot when i asked the same question about a money dance at my wedding. They said it was too tacky, well guess what..it's my wedding (and yours) and we can have what we damn well please. Anyway, Money dances are traditional because it helps pay for the honeymoon. I am providing ONE keg at my reception at my expense. It will be cash bar the rest of the night, because i WILL NOT be responsible for people getting drunk, the hotel will manage the bar and the expenses.