justme
2011-08-11 16:12:13 UTC
just to let you know a little bit of my background.
I came from a traditional Chinese family and I have always been a 'good' girl who listened to my parents' words. i'm 26 this year and my mom felt that i'm very old already and have been match-made me with about 2 guys before this.The first one was quite close to my family or rather a distant relative and i decided that he might not suit me because i am always aware of my family's politics.
The second guy (as I was told) informed that he;s not interested in me because i was older by a few months. However, we're still friends. When it came to the 3rd one, I thought that i can be friends first. I have nothing against the 3rd guy, the only thing is that i don't have feelings for him. And it was partly was my fault that i agreed on the wedding initially for the sake of pleasing my family.I think that my parents might be stressed out that i might end up alone?
And my life was in a daze a few weeks after that. i believe i might have gone into depression (not very severe one though). i could cry almost every night thinking about it. i felt as if i sacrificed myself for other people and i can't justify on the reason on whether it's worth doing.
A few days later, I communicated to my mom that i would like more time for this and i'm not ready. However, i got a negative response from her with the reason that it's not good to call off wedding and stuffs and the guy family will be very embarrassed if i were to do that. i actually spoke a few times on this, and i got the same response every time. One day, I was so pressurized and stressed out that i confessed to my so-called fiance that i don't have feelings for him. Just to let u know, we're on 2 different countries at this moment. I have met up with him only 2 times and the rest are long distance calls. He is a really nice person which makes me even more guilty because i know that everything started because of me. He tried to 'bargain' to have an engagement first and marriage to be decided later on.
When my parents knew on this, they were stressed out too. i tried to tell my parents that it would be best if we can remain friends first and any other things will only be talked if there's any progress. According to my parents, both party agree on wedding postponed until further notice. Of course, it set my mind at ease. After that, the guy also didn't mention anything about wedding again though. However, recently i felt that my mom has been checking me out like with whom i go out with, what's my activities during my day time, etc. with the reason that i can't go out with other guys because it would mean that i played out the guy's feeling. Other than that, i felt that he still treats me like his 'girlfriend' while what i communicated is that we remain as friends, and he's free to find other girl. Even after going for a short trip, he would bring over a few specialty food over to my house. Again, I felt very guilty again because i know everything started because of me.
I felt that i need to straighten things up. Recently, i decided to talk to him again and i told him that i treated him like a normal friend and at this moment i may not be able to promise anything. I also apologized since it's clearly my fault of giving the wrong signal at first. (i believe sorry is no cure for my case though... however, i feel that i really owe him alot) For your info, he's 9 years older than me and i don't want to tie him down to something that may not be confirmed at all.i believe he deserve a better girl and not someone who is indecisive, half-hearted, and don't have feelings for him and worst, unable to handle pressure. At the end of the conversation, i could sense that he was really angry and sad. However, about 5-7 minutes later, he called me back and told me that he has done some thinking and he said that he was pretty okay with it and the only thing is that he'll have difficult time to inform his family on the cancellation. He even consoled me not to think too much and he'll take care of the rest! However, i looked into his FB comments and it seemed that he is really sad now and i couldn't do anything about it. it made me even more guilty.
By the way, wedding is initially scheduled this December. I have a vision if this continues, i might be another case of runaway bride and i believe that it would cause more embarrassment than cancelling it off now and that's what trigger me to cancel off.
In conclusion what i did was: said 'yes' irresposibly, decided that i was in a deep trouble, asked for cancellation but instead end up with a postponement, and finally, informed that things might not work out and are you prepared for that outcome (although i didn't directly use words like 'cancel off wedding')
For your info,