Is there a right or wrong way to ask parents if and how much money they're contributing to a wedding?

Question

My fiancée and I (I'm the groom) are trying to figure out some things for our wedding, and we need to figure out (1) what our budget is and (2) whose guest preferences to give more weight to.

Is there a right way to ask if parents are contributing financially to our wedding? Is there a wrong way?

Answer 1

1. Budget is important, however this is largely dictated by #2. the size of the wedding party and the guests. Sure, you want to have a fun time, but you don't need to invite everyone you have ever known. 3. The right way is to sit down and have a discussion 4. The wrong way is over a phone call or by flat out saying you need a loan. 5. If money is contributed to the wedding, then you better make sure you have a financial plan to pay it back somehow.

Answer 2

Why don't you Both sit with your parents , Together as a united pair OR if you prefer, seperately...say that you're planning the wedding..and are trying to figure out the budget*...They will probably then say...WE are wanting to pay for ... (the reception...food/cake/hall....OR we can pay for your tux only...OR...we can give you $ x amount of dollars towards your wedding)... if Both your parents are working perhaps they've already been putting money aside for this special day*...Communication is the Best way* It's NOT rude in my opinion~ My Son n His Fiance came to Me Together and said the exact same thing...we're budgeting our wedding and was wondering if you'll be able to contribute at all* ? and if you can't , that's ok .we're just wondering..and that lead to the discussion of how much I was contributing etc* :) also , my parents have been married 55 yrs and COMMUNICATION TRUST HONESTY & RESPECT are Keys to a Long Lasting Healthy Relationship* without those you have nothing~*

Answer 3

If it was me, I'd ask my parents when I was alone with them. You should do the same. Just start out by saying you're not expecting anything, but had they planned to contribute. Parents should understand that it matters.

Answer 4

I understand where are you coming from.. I just have one question for you, & I hope you reply..



Assuming for the sake of this argument that your parents don't plan to contribute to the wedding, wouldn't you be putting them in an embarrassing & awkward position by asking ( no matter how politely )? Why would you want to put your lovely parents in that uncomfortable situation where they either have to turn their engaged son down, or get worried about somehow arranging the money because they couldn't say no to their child as he starts a new life?

Answer 5

I feel like I'm the only one with a different opinion here.....



I grew up in a very traditional family. Meaning it's customary for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding.My aunts and uncles paid for my cousins' weddings. My grandparents paid for my parents. Etc.



In my fiance's family it's actually the opposite way and the groom's family pays for the wedding.



Anyway, I'm recently engaged and of course wedding planning comes up often in discussion with my parents since I'm really close with them. I feel like if you're open with your parents why don't you just ask them upright like 'hey, I was just wondering if you were thinking to help with the wedding expenses and if not that's ok!'



I don't think it's rude at all. It's a genuine question.



I've already discussed it with my parents and they said that they're helping with my wedding dress expenses. The rest of the wedding is being paid for by my future in-laws.



I don't understand why it's rude to ask....

They're your parents and they have raised you. It's not like you're asking an aunt or uncle or distant relative.



It's not like I expected my parents to pay for anything at all. I'm really grateful they're contributing. I just don't see why everyone says that it's rude to ask. The topic came up naturally while we were talking about wedding plans. I was like 'I don't expect any money, so don't worry about it' and my parents wouldn't hear it.



Maybe it just depends on what type of customs you have and how close you are to your parents....

Answer 6

There really is no right or wrong way to ask your parents to help you pay for your wedding. When other people contribute financially, then they will have a say in how the wedding is planned. Since you two are adults, I suggest that you pay for your own wedding. That way there won't be any chaos or drama.

Answer 7

The best way to ask is not to ask at all. Plan your wedding with what you can afford, and if parents offer, feel free to ask how much. Don't book anything without money in hand (or bank account). It would be beyond rude and awkward to ask your parents to contribute to your party if they haven't mentioned it.

Answer 8

There is no right way to ask because you're not entitled to their money.



Make a budget. Stick to it. Then if they OFFER!! the money, without you asking, then you can thank them graciously but don't spend it until it is actually in your hands, because they might change their minds about it.



Though honestly I don't know why I'm bothering to answer when it's obvious you're going to pick one of the two or three answers that validates your attempts as not being rude....

Answer 9

It is always WRONG to assume that any party is going to participate financially, yes. Asking something like this is in very bad taste. You are assuming that they are going to foot some of the bill? Why? It's YOUR wedding, not theirs and they don't have to contribute a CENT if they don't want to.



So you and your betrothed figure out your OWN budget. This is not your parents' responsibilities. If you cannot afford anything but 15 guests, oh well. If you cannot afford even that, get married in a court. My husband and I couldn't afford anything and I wanted to go to a court, but our parents, out of their own KINDNESS and volition, decided to pay for a lot of it. My husband and I would have never had the gall to ASSUME that they were going to contribute anything and never ever ASKED something like this.



EDIT: Um...are you serious? IF still implies that you are ASSUMING THEY WILL PAY FOR SOMETHING. IF makes no effing difference to this conversation at all. ASKING is still completely classless.



EDIT 2: And what we are telling you is NO, THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO DO THIS WITHOUT SOUNDING HORRIBLE. Can you register THAT? UNLESS they bring it up and UNLESS it's something that THEY request, you CANNOT ASK FOR MONEY FOR YOUR WEDDING.



EDIT 3: Apology accepted. All we're trying to tell you is this: it will sound like you are wanting a handout, no matter how good your intentions may sound. You want a yes or no answer from them, but your parents may get rubbed the wrong way. That's all I'm trying to say here. If my sister called me up and asked me, 'Hey, so are you going to pay $200 for your niece's something or other?' I would be pretty put out at her audacity that she just assumed I would pay something or other...



That's just how it sounds to others.

Answer 10

IMO you don't even ask. If your parents are contributing to the wedding they will let you know. Just plan on your own budget and if they say they will and how much, then you will know what you can do with their contribution. My parents told us long before marriage how much they planned on giving me and my sister for a wedding.

Answer 11

Don't take some of the rather crassly worded answers to heart. Most people who are screaming "omg that's so rude! Why would you ask that?" are probably people, who deep down in their vindictive little hearts, are jealous because they had to foot the bill for their wedding while others are lucky enough to have help from family.







Now to answer your question, you should not ask outright if your parents are helping you pay for your wedding. I assume you have talked to them or tried taking to them about wedding plans? No? If you have talked about it with them and they showed no signs of implying they were going to help you out, then don't ask. If you haven't yet talked to them about wedding plans, well...for one you should since they're your parents and two you can see if they bring up the topic during the discussion. That's it.



And that my friends is how you answer a question nicely.

Answer 12

the proper way to ask is not to ask at all... plan your wedding with what you can afford, and if parents offer, feel free to ask how much... don't book anything without money in hand (or bank account)... it would be beyond rude and awkward to ask your parents to contribute to your party if they haven't mentioned it...

Answer 13

You know your parents.

Let them know you have made the happy decision to marry this person, and let them know you will get married when you can figure out what you can afford. Just leave it at that, because it doesn't mean you can afford it with their money, it just means you haven't figured it out yet.



One of these people gave birth to you, and the other isn't unfamiliar with you either. They probably knewthis was coming, and probably been waiting for the question. They're not strangers, and they're not new. They'll let you know when you announce your engagement, and if they say nothing, they're probably assuming you can pay for all of it, or they're not interested in paying for anything, or they don't have the money to contribute.

I would be surprised if you have to ask. Just tell them you've decided to marry, and let them respond. These are your parents, remember?

Answer 14

there's no right way to ask 'cause you're not entitled to their money...



make a budget... stick to it... then if they offer!! the money, without you asking, then you can thank them graciously but don't spend it until it is actually in your hands, 'cause they might change their minds about it...



though honestly i don't know why i'm bothering to answer when it's obvious you're going to pick one of the two or three answers that validates your attempts as not being rude............

Answer 15

You don't ask. If they offer, that's fine, but you never ask. Asking is rude and puts them in an unfair position. Personally, I would never take money for my wedding. Money gives people power and I would want my own wedding, not the wedding my parents or mil or someone else wants.

Answer 16

It is traditional for both families to give the new couple 1 tree each to build there first home with. The brides family provides the pig for the wedding. Also goats. These should be cooked & served on the grooms family property. Guest free food you never know how many will show up. Have enough food for 2 to 3 days. Many will need travel 2 or 3 days from were ever to be at the wedding. Insult none who come to the wedding this can start clan wars. Guns are not allowed in the wedding chapple for good reason.

Answer 17

Father of the groom. When told of up and coming wedding of 2 professionals, my wife and I discussed and came to a dollar amount for the rehearsal party. After that, his future in-laws liked the idea and came back with a total of almost 5 times that for the wedding and reception. Between us, that's almost have of total cost.

Answer 18

if it was me, i'd ask my parents when i was alone with them... you should do the same... just start out by saying you're not expecting anything, but had they planned to contribute... parents should understand that it matters...

Answer 19

There no way of asking without looking like your are asking.



Set an budget without the money.

Tell them what your budget will be.

If they want to contribute, they would let you know.

Or they may say we will pay for the rehearsal dinner and cake.

Without giving you an amount of money.

They may not say any thing.

Answer 20

"Is there a right way to ask if parents are contributing financially to our wedding? Is there a wrong way?"



Asking "if" AT ALL is wrong because it implies that it crossed your mind that perhaps they should/would pay. If you are ready to be married, then you are ready to pay for your own party. It is up to you to plan one you can afford.



If someone gifts you money for your wedding, great. But you do not suggest that anyone should contribute by point-blank asking them from the get-go.

Answer 21

There is no right way to ask.



Your parents know you're getting married, right?



Have they offered any money? No?



They would have offered it when, or soon after you announced your plans to marry, if they could afford it and/or desired to give it to you. There is simply no polite way to ask if a gift of money is forthcoming.

Answer 22

The only right way to ask is to NOT ASK.



You figure out your budget by adding up what you can afford to spend on your wedding and what your future spouse can afford to spend on it.



There's your budget. Wasn't that easy?

And just in case you still don't get it, people who are old enough to get married are old enough to pay for their own party.

Answer 23

Yes! First of all, have either of your parents EVER suggested that they would be willing to put in any money towards your wedding? How you approach this depends on whether or not there has been some expecation set or discussing about this before.



Start by figuring out how much you and your fiance will contribute.



You should never ask for money outright. You can say something like "Daddy, you and mom haven't mentioned anything about contributing financially to the wedding. Were you thinking of covering any costs or contributing a set amount or do you expect me and Josh to foot the entire bill?"



Weddings guest lists are not the place to play favorites. Decide how many guests you can afford and how many of people you two want to invite. Then split the remaining number equally between the two families. If that is 5 people so be it.

Answer 24

Your parents are not obligated to give you any money for your party. This is your wedding, you pay.



Traditionally, if your parents are willing and able to do so, they may host a rehearsal dinner if they want, and accordingly to THEIR budget. That is about it.



No, you don't ask your parents for money. You are an adult. You may ask if they are willing to host a rehearsal dinner and that is about the extent of what would be polite to ask, so don't come with an entitled attitude or sour grapes if they say no to the rehearsal party or anything ekse, since it is really NOT their obligation.



I suggest you and your fiancée count only in what you have in your own pockets. If anyone chooses to give you anything, it would be offered to you, so you cannot ask.

Answer 25

it is wrong to ask but you are their children so you can simply ask them if they will be able to contribute to the cost of the wedding You are aware of their financial situation so expect to be reasonable and understand if they cannot do this at all. It is your wedding and today couples mostly save and pay for their own wedding or they do not have a wedding and go to city hall to get married

Answer 26

If they don't offer, you don't ask.



Your budget is whatever you as a couple can afford.

Answer 27

Honestly I think that everyone here responding is going a tad overboard. Last time I checked it doesn't make anyone less of an adult if their parents decide to help with your wedding. Newsflash: there are plenty of parents who help pay for their children s wedding.



I don't know where you are in your stage of wedding planning or if you just got engaged, but most likely if you are close with your parents you would have mentioned wedding plans with them. If they bring up helping with finances, then that's fine. If not, then just don't bring it up.



You are their child, so you are the only one that knows them the best not these random people on yahoo answers who have some vindictive stick up their butt.

Answer 28

I don't know. We were upfront with the second kid, and I don't think she cared for that as it set an upper limit

Answer 29

If your parents have not already mentioned contributing money to your wedding, then there's no polite way to ask them if they plan on contributing. Because that implies that you are expecting a contribution, when in actuality they are not required to contribute.



So, if they haven't said anything about contributing, then keep your mouths shut. Plan the wedding with the assumption that you guys will be funding 100% of it. If the families approach you later with an offer to pay, treat it as a surprise bonus.



If they HAVE mentioned something about giving you money, then it's OK to contact them and say, "Hi Mom and Dad. I know you mentioned wanting to contribute something to our wedding. When's a good time for the four of us to get together and talk about what you want to contribute and what you'd like us to include in the plans."



That way you can figure out how much they're giving you, and what they expect in return for their money ... because, remember, money always comes with strings attached. Do not accept their money until you have spoken with them about what they expect it to cover (certain guests being invited, a church ceremony, specific flowers, whatever). And DO NOT make any solid plans until you have their money literally sitting in your hands ... because if they promise they'll pay $X, and then you go out and book $X worth of (for example) flowers that you couldn't otherwise afford on your own, and then later on they go back on their word to give you $X, you're left holding the bag for those flowers. So, if you are relying on someone else's money in order to pay for something, DO NOT book that thing until you receive that money.



If the parents have not mentioned giving you any money, but they are trying to push you into something you don't want or cannot afford, then it's OK to ask them if they plan to pay for it (assuming you're willing to accommodate their requests should they front the money - otherwise it's ok to just say NO and move on).



Example, if you guys set your budget and decide you can afford to accommodate 100 people, but then your parents insist that you invite 150 total people, you are welcome to say, "Sorry but our budget can't accommodate 150. If you really want these extra 50 people, it'll cost $X per head for food, seating, extra stationery and centerpieces. If you can get us a check and a list of their addresses by next Friday, we'll be happy to add them to our guest list. Otherwise we have to stick to the current list."



ETA: And, of course, it's worth noting that if your parents are planning to contibute to your wedding then they'll likely step up and mention it on their own. I very much doubt that, if they haven't yet said anything, they're just twiddling their thumbs and waiting for you to ask.



Asking them, "Do you plan to contribute?" puts them in an awkward position, where they look like diiiiiccckkks if they say no. Even if you preface it with, "It's OK if you don't!"

Answer 30

no. well yeah. you never want to be insensitive. dont make it sound like they owe you or they promised you. even if they did. thats not a good way to get what you want.



i personally say skip all that chit. its more headache and money than its worth. same thing for funerals.

Answer 31

You determine your budget - what you can afford. If parents were contributing, I would think theyd have said so.

Answer 32

Have they said anything about wanting to in the past?



You ask your parents and she asks hers.

Answer 33

Traditionally, the bride's family pays for the wedding.

Answer 34

NEVER ASK. If they offer, great! Figure out your budget on what the two of you can afford, not what your parents MAY give you.

Answer 35

as soon as u can so u will be sure to get the right dresses for u