Honoring deceased dad on wedding day.?

Question

21-f
I lost my dad last year Oct 18 2012. I just recently got engaged and we are planning on having our wedding in August of 2014. I am trying to find the perfect balance of remembering him and having things to honoring him on my special day and not making everyone including myself super depressed. Since it is still very hard for all of my family to think about I don't want to be bawling on my wedding day or bring anyone down. I have already purchased a charm to put his picture in for my bouquet. But I would like other ways that I can honor him without it being honoring everyone else who has passed I have a candle that I will have lit at the reception for that.

I feel like any images other than the tiny one on my bouquet would ruin my families night and make it hard for them to have a good time and celebrate rather than mourn. I was planning on putting pictures on the guest book table of him and my family when we were younger but i'm unsure.

We are having our wedding outside and I want him to be honored in both the ceremony and the reception. I found a poem I liked but I am not sure where to put it if I choose to use it so if you could help me with ideas for that to it would be great! Thanks!

Dear Lord please clear a spot for him:
he should have the perfect view.
His little girl's a Bride today,
and I am counting on you.
Let me feel his presence;
as I journey down the aisle.
But let me notice his absence;
if only for a while.
Let me stop to think of him;
As I am given away.
And know that if he could;
he would be here with me today.
Dear Lord please clear a spot for him;
he should have the perfect view.
And if he should get sad today;
Dear Lord I count on you.

Answer 1

You are right, people are having a good time, this is not the time to dwell upon sad things. You know your Dad is thrilled for you, and so do the people who loved him.

A friend of mine had a candle at the alter, and she and her husband lit it. No one had to be told it was for her brother, and people went to the alter to pray before the ceremony. Nice. No big deal made, but everyone could see how dear her brother was to her.

and you are right, with an outdoor wedding, fire might not be the best idea. It might blow out, it might catch something on fire.



I would not put out pictures of Dad, Those people who knew him will know what he looked like. And putting out pictures is something done at a funeral.

You might could put your poem on paper, make it pretty, frame it, and put it where people can see it on the way in or out. Take care to make sure it will not blow over or get wet. And you will have a nice souvenir after the wedding. Don't make it too big, you might someday want to take it out of the frame, and put it away.



I would not put your poem in a program, it is too long for that. And if you do put something in the program, make it something simple, like" i miss my Dad, gone from us one year."

I really like the charm in your bouquet idea. Be sure and show it to people.

and I also think it would be a mistake to make a big deal at the reception. when you make your toast thanking people, thank your Dad, too, for raising you up right." Any more than that, people will be crying, and you don't want that at the reception."

Answer 2

You're smart to think this through, but you kind of tossed it all out the window when you said at the end you "want him to be honored in both the ceremony and the reception." I say this because your concern about too much sadness is valid, and there's a reason all experts recommend keeping this to a bare minimum, if at all. Lighted candles and particularly that poem are guaranteed to make people cry, including you and your mom -- is this really what you want?



The thing to remember is that everyone is on emotional overload at a wedding, particularly the bride and groom. If you've lost a parent, this will be on your mind non-stop. I know - my mom died when I was in grad school about 3 years before I got married. We did absolutely nothing in remembrance, and that was smart, because we were all kind of on hair trigger where emotions were concerned. My dad in particular had a very rough day. He handled it well, but you could see it in his eyes. "She SHOULD have been here". It almost overtook his happiness on my big day, because it brought her premature death front and center to him.



I like your bouquet idea, but I would end it there. If you want to do a toast at the reception (not a sad poem), this is fine, but even this carries some risk. He's in your hearts, and that's probably what he would have wanted, anyway.

Answer 3

We had a wedding in the county where I live. The deceased wife of the groom was honored and it was considered a union of the husband and his sons with the new wife. It was BEAUTIFUL. I think it would be very nice for you to honor your father (upon Mother's approval) Don't over think it today, as if your wedding is in 2014, you might now feel as raw as you are today. Losing our parents and grandparents is something we never get over, just be sure to do it gracefully and without grief. I know your heart will be breaking, but don't make it sad for everyone. Do it only if you can find a way to celebrate his passing in a joyous and beautiful way. It makes everyone too uncomfortable and it brings the wrong attention on you if you are not careful in chosing the words. Having someone read the above poem would be enough said, and then light a candle or ring a bell in his honor. Talk to your Mother, it is your wedding and father, but he was her groom.

Answer 4

I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost my dad last year.



Please don't turn your wedding into a memorial service. Do something personal and private to remember your dad. A candle is fine; carrying something with your bouquet is fine; a brief silent prayer/moment of reflection is OK.



But a poem is going to make everyone sad and depressed. Especially if your dad's relatives and friends are unaware that such a memorial is going to take place, and they're unprepared for such a thing.



My dad was alive at our wedding, but my husband's mother was not. My husband was already sad enough that his mom wasn't there, and his mother's sisters did a reading (completely non-related to death or his mother) and both they and my husband were near tears the whole time. Had his mother been mentioned out loud, there would've been a lot of crying and grief.



Ultimately, you can do whatever you feel is appropriate, but I STRONGLY urge you to think it over, and to lean on the side of subtlety and a private remembrance. Those who love your dad will surely have him in mind, and they don't need a public display of grief to remind them that he's not there.

Answer 5

There are many ways to honor and remember your father on your wedding day - some overt, such as the prayer you found or lighting a candle, and many that allow you to honor and remember without bringing it to the attention of your guests.



To ensure that what you choose to do is successful and doesn't change the mood of the wedding from celebratory to sadness, you need to consult with those close to your father about how they would feel. Sometimes the smart thing is to do is to choose something like the charm that can be photographed as a memento and reminder that you did honor him, but is not shared with the guests. You can also choose a color he was fond of, to honor him in the transportation you choose, to honor him by serving one of his favorite foods, having your photograph taken standing next to a photograph of him before you leave for the ceremony, and so on. Many more ideas in my book!

Answer 6

Perhaps you could dedicate a song to him? Something to be played or sung during the ceremony, and write (in the program) "in memory of..." That's not in your face, but not overly discrete either I think.



For the poem... Perhaps you could print it out, frame it, and put it up on the front row of seats, where he would be sitting? If that's too tough (maybe it would serve to point out his absence too strongly) you set it up somewhere else. Or maybe just put it somewhere during the reception.



During the reception you could have a moment of silence for him, when he would have given a toast. A good time to honor and remember him. And if you did it right, I don't think it would be too sad. You could frame it in a joyful way... I mean, think how happy he would be if he could be there! How proud he must be! ("we're going to take a moment to remember Mr. _. He would be so proud of his daughter and we want to let him know that he is not forgotten." etc.) And afterwards you could go on to do the first dance or something else fun to keep people from dwelling too much. Bring things back around to the fact that you're at a celebration!



Just a few ideas... Hopefully that helps!

Answer 7

Omg, everyone will be in tears !!! Please dont go over the top. My dad too had passed away and my mum was gravely ill with only weeks to live when I got married 4 years ago. We lit a candle for Dad and I wore a little robin pin on my wedding dress. He used to love the "cheeky robins" as he called them, they would always come to see him when he was gardening. I see robins all the time and I know he is there watching over me and my family.

When my husband made his speech he remembered my Dad and spoke a bit about him, he also mentioned my poor mother who could not attend the wedding. We lit a candle and had a minutes silence.

Then we got on with things. After all a wedding is a happy occasion and your guests do not want to be crying in their beer and getting all upset.

Its good to remember but its also good to hold on to memories rather than broadcast them.

All the best for your big day.

Answer 8

You can look for candles that are batterie operated, they will be safer than real candles.



I lost my mom when I was ten

My sister and I both had my mom favorite flowers in our bouquet. Everyone in our family told us that it was my mom favorite flowers.



I went to a wedding where they had the father favorite songs, then starting with the grandfather, male family member came and dance with the bride to take the dad's place, it was very sad, but sweet.



My friend lost her dad, she had his favorite dessert. This was more private way to include his dad. Only close family and friends knew it was in honor of her father.



What is his favorite color or song

Do you want it private or public?

Answer 9

Do you have anything of his you can carry with you down the aisle? Like, a friend of mine who lost her father, carried two of those roses dipped in gold that he had given her mother shortly before he died. Her bouquet was made specifically so they could just slide these two gold roses into it and they looked so amazing against the other flowers. That's just an example, you could use anything that reminds you of him really

Answer 10

I know it is very difficult on your wedding day to remember the loss of a loved one and wish they were with you. My husband's dad passed away literally three months before our wedding and we were both devastated! What I did to honor him on our wedding day was to frame a nice picture of him and put a laminated remembrance plaque next to it on the groom's table stating "In Loving Memory of (father-in-law's name), Father of the Groom". It did, unfortunately, cause a few tears from my husband and mother-in-law, but they both appreciated that I remembered him. :-)