I don't like my engagement ring!?

Question

Okay, my boyfriend of two years showed me the engagement ring he wants to give to me. Its a family heirloom and its equals a carat in diamonds, but I don't like it at all. Its hideous, its not me at all, and its nothing I want to wear for the rest of my life. I think I kind of hurt his feelings when I told him I didn't like it that much but he kind of hurt mine by not putting thought into it and getting a ring that was me. Should I take the ring that I don't like or wait for him to get me a new one?

By the way, by not taking this ring I'm not saying I don't want to marry him. He didn't really propose, he just showed me the ring.

Answer 1

I was under the assumption that an engagement ring was chosen by the man. If he chose to have you go along to pick one out that would be a different story. If (and I say if) the ring was for you down the road he must think a lot of you to give you a family heirloom and that ring must mean a lot to him. If you really cared about him you would gladly wear the ring with pride - and not worry so much about that it equals a carot of diamonds. After all, he put thought into possibly giving you a family heirloom. It sounds to me like all you want is a show off ring! Then, for your 25th year anniversary if he decides to propose you can save lots of money to pay for the ring of your choice and style as it sounds like it will be a huge diamond.

Answer 2

It's not about the ring, it's about having found that one person who you want to spend the rest of your life with.



So what if the ring he showed you was a family heirloom. If he does give it to you and this point that could be a big if based on the way you acted, you should except it, but let him know that in a few years you might want to get something a little more you.



My gf and I went out shopping and looked at engagement rings so I know what she wanted. She saw an engagement ring/wedding band set that she just loved, so I went back and got it later. It's not the biggest diamond or anything like that, but it's what she wanted, and in 5 years or so, I will replace the diamond in it with something a little nicer.

Answer 3

Here's an idea... perhaps you can tell your boyfriend that if he does want to propose, that you would like a ring that is more your personal taste and it is an exclusive symbol of the love the two of you have (whereas the family heirloom was someone else's symbol at one time). BUT offer this as an alternative to wearing the heirloom - maybe you could tell him that you would be honored to have the heriloom. Perhaps take the stone(s) out of the current setting and either re-set them into a new ring you could wear or re-set them into a necklace that you could wear. I'm fortune that my fiance picked out a ring and proposed w/one that I love (we never discussed rings, he picked it out himself). But if I had gone to the store it wouldn't have been the ring I THOUGHT I would love. But when I saw it, I fell in love with it and all that it symbolized! Good luck and I hope you boyfriend proposes :)

Answer 4

If it's not part of a whole set, then you don't have to wear it for the rest of your life. Only up to the day you get married. Then you can have the ring you want as a wedding band. Suck it up for that little bit of time.



As far as him not putting thought into it... maybe you should rethink that statement and give him a great big appology. Family heirlooms are the most thoughtful thing a man can do. It signifies that he wants you to be a part of his "family," and that is what marriage is about!

Answer 5

For what it's worth, here is my advice: I wouldn't have really picked the ring that I am wearing on my finger now (and I have been married for almost two years). . . and at first I wasn't crazy about it. But I didn't let my husband know that because he picked it out and it was purely through love. The ring has grown on me and I appreciate what it stands for. But realistically I am going to replace it at our five year anniversary, and I don't feel like there is anything wrong with that. People upgrade all the time. SInce the ring is a heirloom, it is up to you to decide what is best for you. . .but I would accept it because it has meaning. And I am really don't agree with the thinking that "it's my ring and I should have what I want". . .it is a gift that someone else is getting for you, and any gift should be appreciated. Be an independent woman, and buy a ring yourself that you absolutely love and wear it on your right hand (which stands for independence anyway)! I can't tell you what to do, you have to ultimately decide, but please consider both sides before you make a decision.

Answer 6

Wow, you are in a difficult position. You have some options.

1. Take it and accept that it is a famiy heirloom and he is giving it to you because he loves you. Make it about his love, not about the ring.

2. Graciously tell him how much you love him, appreciate that he wants you to have that ring. Then ask him how he feels about having the ring redone into something that is uniquely for the two of you. You could use the existng stones and gold to make a ring that is new and more what you want.

3. Tell him that you appreciate him wanting to give you that ring, but that it is not really you and that you would not feel comfortable wearing it. Ask him how he would feel about you having a different ring.

Realize you could really hurt his feelings depending on how much sentimental value he has placed on that ring.

Answer 7

You are not shallow. Don't listen to the people who are saying that. If you're a vegetarian and your boyfriend offered you pork chops would you eat them? I know its a stupid example, but the point is that you won't always share the same taste or likes as your boyfriend or spouse. You should have a relationship where it is ok to be honest.



I think you should just tell him that you love him, but that you would hate to lie when you really don't like the ring. Its not like some Christmas gift or birthday present where you can just smile and say "O how nice" while all you're really think is "I wonder can I re-gift it." This is something that you are going to have to look at everyday.



Also, if he can't afford anything else would you be willing to go without wear a ring at all, or a very modest/cheap ring? I know I would.

Answer 8

If I were going to ask you to marry me, I'd think of some creative way to get you into a jewelry store(maybe ask my sister to secretly go window shopping with ya' to camouflage what I'm really up to) and give you the opportunity to express your interest in the kind of jewelry you like; You know, necklaces, bracelets, watches, earrings, & of course rings for your fingers. I know how important/special the "Right" ring makes a woman feel about her self & more-so about the man she's receiving it from. I believe every woman needs her own ring! And not one that was given to someone else b4 you! I would want u to look @ that ring & feel that I am the greatest, most considerate man in the world for giving you the chance to choose what you really like/want on your finger because every time you look @ that ring it will remind you of how special I feel you are to me! Even after an argument, that ring will be a constant reminder that I value your feelings!

Answer 9

I look at it this way... You must be one very special girl if he was willing to give you a family heirloom. An engagement ring is for the guy to give to you. It is a contract between two people that they will someday be married. You should be honored not ungrateful. What kind of engagement is it if you want to be the one to pick the ring. How about this... If you dont want the ring that he gives you then go buy your own.

Answer 10

I am very submissive to my man, and yet I still do NOT see this as shallow. The ring you choose is one you will be wearing for the rest of your life. It should be one that you both find beauty in, and yes that mean aesthetically too. I think it is very inconsiderate of him if he expects that you MUST accept an engagement ring that you DON'T LIKE.



This is supposed to be about the two of you and your own lives, not about his family. Not that there's anything wrong with having a family heirloom; but that doesn't mean you have to wear it every day for the rest of your life.



If I were you, I would explain my feelings as delicately as possible. Then I would wait for him to get one that I liked...



P.S. Beware of men who do not understand the concept of starting their own NEW family with you. Of course both of your immediate families will always be there and a part of you. But as the man in charge of a new family, he must accept that what is best for the two of you super-cedes whatever pressures his mummy is putting on him. (I don't like mama's boys...)

Answer 11

This is not a good omen for your marriage. I've been married almost 20 years and have three kids. You should see all the "hideous" gifts I've been given over the years. Jewelry, perfume, meals, sweaters, a black car with no air conditioning...AND I LOVED EVERY ONE. Rather than complain about sweating in a hot car, I appreciate the fact my hubby was so concerned about the unreliable wheels I had that he bought me a new car. My kids have burnt my breakfast in bed and I choked down every bite with a smile on my face. What cuties, doing something so sweet and thoughtful! And I proudly wear the macaroni on a string necklace because my daughter made it for me out of love.



This is really a trivial issue in the big scheme of marriage. Learning to be gracious now will go a long way in the future.

Answer 12

I had the same problem. The ring He gave me was pretty but Im traditional and wanted a simple wedding set so what I did was take the ring. Then right after we were married I went and layed away a wedding set I liked and I told him I wanted to keep the real ring he gave me safe, so mabey we could pass it down to our son or daughter. I told him i didnt want to loose it or drop it down the drain when i do dishes and he thought it was a good idea.

Answer 13

Take the ring and keep it for any daughters or daughter-in-laws you may have. Let him know what kind of ring you have in mind and tell him that he and you are about to start a NEW life together, and while you will always cherish his family ring (albeit in a jewelry box or safe deposit box), you would like something that represents HIS commitment to YOU. Not his grandma.

Answer 14

Maybe he was just checking to see how superficial and shallow you really are. Since you don't like the ring, now he knows your not the woman he should marry. I would have loved for my husband to give me something that was in his family for generations, unfortunately he didn't have anything like that. Obviously the ring means alot to him and his family. It is very rude to tell the man you love that his family heirloom is 'hideous!'

Answer 15

I think it's great that you are able to be honest with him. Honesty is so important in a relationship! I probably would have just pretended I liked it and maybe tell him later, or wear it the rest of my life because I don't have the guts to speak my mind. So, good for you! Tell him you still would like to marry him, but ask him to exchange it.

Answer 16

I'd be honored if my fiance had given me his mother's ring. As for you, you should be lucky he loves you enough to want to give you something that has been in his family for so long.

Take it and be greatful. Wear it for 5-10 years, then hopefully you'll get an anniversary ring, and can replace it with that.

But honestly, at the rate you're going, you'll be lucky if he ever proposes.

Answer 17

The fact it is a family heirloom doesn't necessarily mean he put no thought into it. Possibly the complete opposite.



However if it is not you, it is not you.



Don't insult him, but tell him if you think it is not you because just remember "speak now, or forever hold you peace"

Answer 18

this ring is obviously special to him.....just like you are. you need to take that into consideration. if it's really all that hideous, why not have the stones in it put into another mounting and setting? then both of you can be happy.

Answer 19

Well, technically he didn't propose to you. When or IF he proposes to you, you need to be focused on the MARRIAGE. The ring will be the least of your worries. After a while, you won't even notice if on your finger. If you don't prioritize, you'll be just a statistic of divorce.

Answer 20

accept the ring and very next day sale it to any jewelers and start crying u lost the ring. In this way u will get new ring. How is this IDEA?

Answer 21

The diamond(s) can always be reset in a style you like or design together. Talk this thing over. Talk everything over in a marriage!

Answer 22

Boy! Are you high maintenance! He didn't propose, so it isn't an engagement ring for you, is it? Maybe he will recognize how very shallow you are. A lot of compromise could have been offered. Resetting the stone would have been a good one. Now you have insulted the taste of his family. You owe him and his family an apology. Both for assuming he wants to marry you, and for insulting his family.

Answer 23

You should wear it forever, as a badge of humility. Or just remove it, when u trade up to wedding ring

Answer 24

well you do have a choice and not taking the ring could cause a rift, but if you explain to him that its not the ring itself but the style and that it doesn't appeal to you and your style he may understand

have fun

Answer 25

God i hope he reads this question. You are so superficial and shallow, the ring is very important to him and you should be honored to ware it. How can you say you love him, i think you love the idea of marriage more. You need help honey.

Answer 26

well tell him the truth... that the ring does not go with your style

Answer 27

I have never heard of anything so heartless and so rude!!! You obviously don't deserve this loving, thoughtful man! You don't deserve the ring! - and what it is SUPPOSED to REPRESENT.

Answer 28

I don't think you have to worry about him proposing so you don't have to worry about wearing his "hideous" heirloom.

Answer 29

You are missing the entire concept of love and engagement. Sound to me like you are a bit shallow and ungrateful. Hope he wises up before its to late.

Answer 30

i think you did the right thing by telling the truth, honesty is the best way

Answer 31

Tell him you love him and want something to signify your love that he has chosen and hasn't been used before.

Answer 32

well you are the biggest fool in the world.

how could you possibley know whether the ring is for you or someone else!



next time think before you speak

Answer 33

ohh simple, take him to the jewelers and show him one you like....explain your problem

Answer 34

you answered your own question.