grandmother is ANGRY about my wedding...help!?

Question

My grandmother (dad's mom) and I have always been close, even though my dad and I haven't been. My parents have been divorced since I was 12, and my grandma of course took my dad's side big time in that even though dad handled things really badly. About 5 years later, my mother remarried a lovely man who truly cared for her, and who raised us from that point forward. He's been with our family 15 years now, which is most of my life.

I recently got married in a fairly decent-sized bash. I opted to have my stepfather walk me down the aisle because my dad-dad and I hadn't really spoken for some years. I asked dad-dad to give me the first dance to balance things out with his side of the clan however and also out of respect for the 12 years he did give our family and he agreed, not especially happily of course but he understood. He has two other daughters, one of whom he has already walked down the aisle, and my stepdad has no natural children of his own, so this made sense to everyone.

Except to grandma, that is. Four days before my wedding, she called me and demanded that bio dad walk me down the aisle instead of stepdad, i.e., to change plans at the last minute, called me a cruel daughter and said it was an insult to the whole family. I told her biodad and I had already resolved it between ourselves, but she just wouldn't let up. Shortly afterward, at my wedding, she sat there with grandpa the whole time with her lips pursed and her arms folded. I knew she was angry so 2 weeks after our wedding my husband and I decided to fly down to pay her a visit to try to make amends.

No such luck. Almost immediately upon arrival, she got very nasty. First, she was ENRAGED about how she was not invited to the rehearsal dinner. I know it's proper to invite all out-of-town guests, but my fiance's dad is not well-off. He wanted to pay for it as is tradition but he didn't really understand how costly it would be, and that was a puzzle in and of itself. So we tried to be considerate by inviting only those people in the wedding party to a very quiet rehearsal dinner. But grandma heard about it, and berated me for leaving them out. She also said the band we'd hired had been "bad for dancing", even though we hired them with her preferences in mind (we also had my husband, who is not Jewish, stomp on the glass, I removed my spectacles even though he loves them at her request, and wrangled with the caterer for hours so the menu would be the way SHE wanted it - she's VERY picky). Next, she was angry about how she wasn't personally asked to pose for the professional photographers even though there are many photographs of her with family. It just kept on going on and on. Finally I said, "grandma, I'm this close to losing it, just lay off me." But she wouldn't. Finally, I broke down into tears right there in a restaurant. I felt like she was trying to ruin my wedding day for me, and that all the things I did to try to please her were meaningless. My husband, admirably, remained silent in her presence and just held me while I cried. It was so terribly sad too, grandpa has Alzheimer's, and when I started to cry he cried too even though he didn't understand enough to know why.

Some part of me feels that telling a bride you hated her wedding, especially in the case of somebody you thought you were close with as punishment for not following her "orders" re: who walks you down the aisle, is a serious offense. I am very upset and angry, and my husband does not want me to speak to her for awhile until I cool down. On her side, she is quite old and maybe feeling like people don't pay her enough respect, but she has always been extremely interested in appearances and having her own way. That is nothing new, and has caused problems in the past. I don't want to cause a permanent rift, but I am really disappointed that she tried to make me feel so very bad about an otherwise joyous day. What should I do?

Answer 1

You know, my sister recently gave me some great advice. You can't cater to everyone at your wedding, so only do the things that make you happy.



You haven't done anything wrong, so there's really nothing you can do to fix the problem. Also, it's already over. You REALLY can't fix anything now. Your grandmother is the one who needs to apologize and relax.



But, she sounds pretty upset about something. I think you should ask her what you can do to make her feel better. You can't redo the wedding (nor should you), so she needs to move on. Maybe she just wants a chance to tell you what's what, and then you can all move on.



Know you didn't do anything wrong, and don't let this ruin your wedding. If she rips you a new one over it, yes ma'am your way through the conversation, but take it all with a grain of salt. But give her the chance to tell you what she wants before giving her space until she grows up a little.



Sorry about all this. That sucks.

Answer 2

I would not talk to her yet, as you both are still emotional about the whole thing. She does not sound ready to listen to anything you say anyway.



I suggest you draft a letter to her, then let it sit for a few days and redraft it. The redraft allows you to take the edge off of it and incorporate the rules of fair fighting, like using 'I" instead of "you". Ex: instead of "You were cruel when you said . . .", you write "when you said __ I felt like ___". You can more easily list and address her concerns, as well as your own. You've already got a good start with this question.



Also, what is really driving her anger? It's something unsaid. Did your Dad plant this seed? Did she somehow also alienate him and this alleves her guilt? Does she think you don't love him/her enough? Did someone else talk badly about you or anything you said? Did you mistakenly bash your dad in a out-of-context comment? What would it take - another wedding? What does she suggest you do now? I wouldn't blackmail her with possible grandchildren just yet, but eventually she probably would like to visit them - thus a reason to solve this issue. Maybe your Dad knows why she won't let this go. Sound like you may already know - nonexistent respect issues. If you can address the real issue, that helps.



Obviously, you are in the right - it is your wedding and you could easily have eloped. She has no right. But she is who she is and you can't change her. As Dr. Phil would say, do you want to be right or happy?



The only sure satisfaction you can get is to know that you tried to resolve the situation. Be prepared that in the end, she may never let go of her anger.



Good luck!

Answer 3

Many elderly people think that because they are old they can say and do whatever they want. I would avoid her for a bit until you cool down. If she asks why tell her that you didn't appreciate her outbursts regarding YOUR wedding. Tell her that she upset you to the point of tears, and that you didn't appreciate her regard for your feelings, it was after all supposed to be your special day about what you wanted, regardless of what anyone else wanted. Speak to her kindly, and respectfully, but be straightforward.



Tell you you just need some space from her for a while. That way she will either think about how she feels and apologize or she won't remember a bit and I would take her to the doctor.



Good luck hun



Honestly, she could be loosing it a little bit, but that doesn't excuse her for making you cry.

Answer 4

Carrotlady, I have an aunt like this. She's a mean, spiteful, venomous snake in old lady's clothes. She looks sweet and granny on the outside and on the inside she's got a size 1 soul and she likes nothing better than to know that she's made someone feel bad.



First thing you should do: stop expecting irrational people to behave rationally. You say granny has caused problems in the past. That's your first clue: she is who she is, she will never change, and you just need to accept that.



Acceptance of her mean and spiteful nature is the first step in pulling her fangs. The fact that you care about her empowers her to cause you pain; you can unempower her by ceasing to care. It sounds like no matter how hard you try to do what you believe to be the right thing/best thing, she's going to pick holes in what you do. Just tell yourself that: she's the kind of person who gets her jollies pulling the wings off butterflies, so you can ignore her criticisms and complaints. She'd find a reason to be a pain in the patootie no matter what.



If you can manage it, you might even learn to understand that she's actually a kind of pathetic figure: since she has no capacity to be affectionate, supportive and kind, she's stuck with being mean as a way of connecting with the human race. She can't share or understand your joy so she has to try to stamp it out. Isn't that really kind of a sad way to live?



You can also try to limit your "face time" with her. Just avoid her as much as possible. Heck, she's registered her unqualified disapproval of you, so you certainly don't owe her any effort to spend time with her, do you?



She is who she is. She will never be anything else. Her existance is sad and pathetic. You can have confidence that you tried to do the right thing and she just wanted to cause grief. So let her stew in her own venom and share joy with people who understand joy.

Answer 5

Oy the intricacies of a Jewish family, everyone knows that we in the tribe all have grandparents like these. I also just got married, I also am Jewish, and my spouse also is not. The most important thing to remember is that it is you wedding, the day is meant for you and your hubby, although it is important to have good relations with the grandparents because who else will bring the Matzo ball soup to passover. Kidding, well kinda. You need to talk to her and explain how important it was to you that the ceremony be all inclusive and that those were the decisions you made you are sorry but you can do it over and you would like to treat her to lunch or whatnot, (food is important because it will give you breaks from talking and from hearing her carry on and we all know she will carry on, and on and on) but after she has said her peace hopefully things will normalize and you guys can go on with your relationship until the next issue that will plague you, and there will be more, talking is the key to resolving any jewish issue and listening and time. I know its not any specific resolution but the problem you are having is a common one amongst our people, and the only tested solution is to listen and speak. Best of luck and Mazel.

Answer 6

Wow. She has alot of nerve. Your wedding day is supposed to be reflective of you and your fiance, not catering to everyone else's requests and preferences (and demands, which are absolutely uncalled for), simply for the fact that it's impossible to do so and you will go crazy trying. If she doesn't like how your wedding played out, too bad. It's your day, not hers. She had her moment in the spotlight years ago and has no right at all to punish you for your choices. If she wants to be bitter, that's her perogative but you have to decide if you're going to let her insults get to you or if you are going to ignore them and move on since she isn't willing to be happy for you. If I were you, I would avoid her for the time being. You mentioned this is part of her personality, so while yes it's hurtful on her part, you have to accept that this is normal for her and focus on your marriage, not her. If a permanent rift does occur, it won't be your fault at all and you can't blame yourself for her rude actions and bitterness, nor is it healthy to do so.

Answer 7

The best thing to do is not to stress about it too much. Your grandma is obviously set in her ways and will not really agree with your point of view unless she has an epiphany. You can hold a grudge, but if that isn't what you really want then be the bigger person and forgive your grandmother for being who she is. Don't apologize for doing what you believe is right, but don't expect her to change her mind. Just try to put the event in the past and enjoy the time you have with your grandma while she is still there.

Answer 8

If i was your situation i wouldnt talk to her for awhile. Let yourself cool down, and let her think about all of this. I know it is family, but you cant let it ruin your new life. Wait until you feel like your ready and talk to her. I would do it on the phone rather than in person so if things do go bad all you have do is hang up rather than fly home.



Best of luck, congrats!

Answer 9

Your bio-dad needs to have a talk with her....to tell her the things she's grousing about are nit-picky....and as far as the walking down the aisle thing-THAT was settled between himself and you and she has nothing to do with it...so she can either let it go or risk damaging her relationship with her grand daughter. he needs to tell her you are now a married woman, not a child anymore and she needs to adjust her viewpoint on that......good luck.

Answer 10

My grandmas the same way, i was raised by her, and i love her but the only time i can make her laugh is when i tell her about how me and my husband got in a argument and i told him off.



Theres no point in trying to talk to her about it she will always be right, just move on, she will eventually forget about it, then all the sudden remember it when you guys are arguing about something else, then she will bring it up.

Answer 11

You asked, "What should I do?"



Actually, nothing. You done good.



You struck what I thought was an incredibly delicate balancing act.



HER actions on the other hand show how petty, controlling, and manipulative she is.



*

*

*

Answer 12

Since your bio dad was fine with the arrangement, why dont you get him to have a talk to her.

Answer 13

Nothing let her complain till she feels bad and realizes it's your choice not hers and she will try to b happy for u

Answer 14

sounds like shes just being bi9tter, she needs to understand that it was your wedding and you day not hers, shes being stubborn and selfish so you dont need to do anything, she should grow up

Answer 15

sounds like crazy grannie is on menopause.

old ladies are grumpy like that

just forget about it

and love your life the way it is

Answer 16

tell the btch its ur wedding and u will have who ever u want walk u down ur aisle.... u r gunna remember ur wedding forever.. do it the way u lyk

Answer 17

write to her and see if you get a respons

its better then being yelled at

Answer 18

Sighh...she's sensitive right now...just talk to her...if she continues to be irrational...just give her her space

Answer 19

it is always sad when a racist grandmother ruins your marriage because you want to get engaged to an African-American and you are white.. i know what you mean, though.. it is very hard to be a mixed race relationship.. hopefully your grandmother keels over and dies before the wedding and you get your choice.

Answer 20

havent u seen american pie 3 the wedding? haha just do exacally what they do!

Answer 21

talk to her