Question:
Why wont he propose to me after almost 4 years together?
091885
2009-05-19 09:07:59 UTC
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years in August, and it has been a wonderful 4 years. We have lived together for 3 years, and love it. We both love each other so much, and I'm ready for us to get married. Hes not quite ready for that yet. We talk about our future and at what point we will do different things, like buying a house and having a family, and what the wedding will be like and where. But he hasn't popped the question. He didn't tell me he loved me until last year on our anniversary. I want to know if hes going to propose, or if it could be a while. Please help!
Sixteen answers:
mommy of two babies (:
2009-05-19 09:21:32 UTC
only HE knows if he'll propose to you

but im thinking that if it took him that long to tell you "i love you" then he is sure that he loves you otherwise he wouldn't have spend 3 years trying to figure that out so i don't see why it would take forever to propose!



you can talk with him & make your point that you would love to get married i know it takes the romanticism away from him proposing in a surprise but as long as he proposes that's all that matters
just a thought
2009-05-19 16:24:03 UTC
Been there, done that? I wasn't his "one". You had better have an open and honest conversation quick or you may be posting this again in another 4 years. The point you made about him not saying he loved you until last year worries me. He may love you but he's keeping his options open girl. Sorry.



JMR's account below is all too familiar.



UPDATE: Noticed all the thumbs down to comments that 1.) make a lot of sense and 2.) are not what you want to hear. My guess you thumbs down(ed) these answers. What a shame and waste of good advice! Will you give me a thumbs up if I tell you a fairy tale that he will propose tomorrow? And that he is in fact not in a comfortably numb situation with you?



UPDATE WEDNESDAY: So you are engaged? I mean, that is a promise to marry which is basically what you've just said he did. Let me guess.... nope. You can continue to milk this along and he can and likely will continue to give you "just a little" incentive to validate your ultimate wish. However, no engagement is NO future plan. Will you think about this? You have achieved nothing!
anonymous
2009-05-19 16:59:48 UTC
We were dating for 6 years before he proposed last year and we are finally getting married in 2 weeks after 7 years together. Sometimes it takes time and if you push him to marry you, you will regret it in the end. You may have to give him an ultimatum and just be fair and honest with him and tell him that you love him but you want to be a married woman and he doesn't seem to want to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free, so you will move on with your life if he doesn't want a future with you and want to make it official.



However, sometimes god is doing these kinds of things as a test. Hang out for a little longer, 4 years isn't THAT long, compared to our 7! Now if we ever get a divorce he can't say,"well you rushed me or forced me into it". He obviously isn't ready, so talk about it. I gave my fiance crap for 2 years and then I found out that the entire time he totally planned on proposing but he wanted to save up money to buy me the best ring. Now we own a house together and are happily getting married in 2 weeks!



Just don't panick! You will get there! Good luck!
jami1kenob
2009-05-19 16:15:54 UTC
Unfortunately, he's taken so long because you've allowed him to. And I don't blame you - after all, who wants to force the boyfriend to propose. Not very romantic.



Please try to avoid withholding sex or affection to get him to propose. That's not something you want to start using as a weapon. That just creates feelings of entrapment and resentment. Not a good way to start out a marriage, is it?



If it took him 3 years of dating to say those three little words, you might be in for a long wait.



But ask yourself this:

What changes when you marry? Besides your last name? If you guys are happy together, then is the push to get married really necessary. Now, I understand the beneficiary thing and the medical thing, but other than that, you guys might be better off not worrying about it. I get the emotional need to - I am getting married for the second time in July, so I'm not trying to say that you're bad for wanting it.



I think your best bet is to talk to him - why isn't he ready? Was he hurt in the past so badly that he's now become super cautious? Encourage him that you know you love him and you are ready to commit to him. Again, DON'T strongarm! IF this is something that you feel you must have and he's not willing to give it, then you guys are at an impasse, I'm afraid. As difficult and heartbreaking as it would be, it would be a scenario where I would suggest a break-up. Not a mean or bad one, but one in which you said that you guys are looking at two different goals in your relationship. You don't want to resent him for not marrying you and you don't want him to resent you for pressuring him into it.



It's a sticky situation and I wish you all the best of luck.
anonymous
2009-05-20 01:16:24 UTC
I'm sorry to hear of your situation...i know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm in the very same situation myself so I guess I dont have any great advice for you but simply want to let you know that you're not the only one in this situation (not that it really helps!)



I think the first answer is very wise...i thought about abstaining from affection to hurry him up, but quickly decided that WASN'T the way to go about it.



Think about it this way - would it make you feel special to be proposed to knowing that he was only doing it because you forced him too? I certainly wouldn't. So you just have to try being patient - i know you already have - but you dont want to ruin the moment you've been waiting for by forcing it.



You could say to your boyfriend that if he doesnt know what he wants after 4 years then times up. 4 years is certainly long enough to know if you want to spend your life with someone (in my opinion anyway). I told my boyfriend of 3.5years this....I'm still waiting. Dont say it threateningly...more in a joking manner but with truth behind it. I would never leave my boyfriend if he didnt propose before 4 years, but it gives him the idea that your very serious about marriage.



In the meantime...keep telling yourself 'good things come to those who wait'!!!



hope you get your proposal soon!!!
JMR
2009-05-19 16:24:43 UTC
I was with my ex for 8 years waiting for a proposal. I even tried proposing to him but he turned me down. 6 months later I left. Now I am in a wonderful relationship with the man I am marrying in September year.



This is something you will need to decide on. No one can tell you what is going on here. If you feel like you can't wait any longer, talk to him about it. If you aren't on the same page you can either keep waiting or leave. I know it sounds harsh and I know from experience it is not easy to walk out on 4 years (in my case 8) but it can be done and you can go on --- but you need to be certain this is what you want to do. It just depends on what this guy means to you and what you are willing to put up with for the sake of your relationship together.
fizzy stuff
2009-05-19 16:17:06 UTC
You need to open an honest conversation with him. After 4 years together, you should not hesitate to talk to him about this. And, you owe it to each other to know what "page" you are on. Obviously you two have a hard time talking about this stuff, so I suggest a soft approach: tell him you want to talk about your goals and where each of you are, and set it for a different day. That way youre not ambushing him and it gives him time to get his thoughts together. You could do outside your home on neutral territory, like a coffee shop. Good luck.
ѕᴀᴛᴀɴɪс ʟɪʟʏ
2009-05-19 20:51:12 UTC
Ever thing of doing the proposing?



I also think it's really strange that you're with a guy that couldn't tell you he loved you into 3 years into the relationship.
cc88
2009-05-19 16:18:49 UTC
I think guys think of relationships differently then girls.. while you are worried about when he is going to propose.. he knows you are going to be together forever.. so what the rush.. in his mind that is. Maybe talk to him about it.. don't get upset of make him feel like he needs to be on the defense.. have a genuine honest calm conversation about it.. Good Luck!
TotalRecipeHound
2009-05-19 18:12:11 UTC
Been there done that twice. He's dragging because he doesn't want to commit. He thinks there is something better out there. Sit him down and ask him what his plans are. I wasted my 20s waiting for 2 different guys - don't make that mistake. As another poster said, you wait too long, the guys your age want younger models and you will be out.
4REEE
2009-05-19 16:28:22 UTC
He has no incentive to marry you. He's getting what he wants.



Think about it from his point of view of what getting married involves:



1.)

He makes the effort to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.



2.)

He then spends time in researching for an engagement ring.



3.)

Then he spends the $$$ to get the ring. Think about it. Most guys think of a ring as, "I can buy a car with that money!" But if he's willing to let the $$$ leave his wallet because he wants you to be happy flashing your ring to your girlfriends, he must be serious.



4.)

Then you plan for the wedding:



a.) Order cake (color, size, taste testing)

b.) Invitation cards (what should we write?)

c.) Guest lists (who to invite, who not to invite)

d.) Research DJ's or bands

e.) Research best church, chapel, or hall (food testing)

f.) Which minister to use

g.) Seating charts for the reception.

h.) Writing vows to recite them in front of friends and family because he wants to show everybody he is SERIOUS.

i.) Go through premarital counseling to be sure that you both have the skill sets for the long haul.

j.) Goes through the stress of sending out invites, dealing with future in-laws, etc.

k.) Then the ceremony and on and on and on



Yaaaaaaaaaaa! TMW = Too Much Work!!!!!!



*BUT* if a couple move in together: HAH! He doesn't have to do items 1 thru 4a-k.



Several of my lady friends found themselves out of child bearing range because they waited too long for the guys to change their minds.



Now these ladies are finding it difficult to meet guys their age because guys their age want to date the younger gals.



Don't let this happen to you!!



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Luv2Answer
2009-05-19 16:18:08 UTC
I know you don't want to hear this but you knew he wasn't going to ask if you moved in with him. He doesn't need to now. I would tell him you are ready and if he's not then you are going to look for a place of your own until he can decide what he wants. If you want to be with you he will come after you and if he doesn't he'll let you go.
Lydia
2009-05-20 10:25:12 UTC
Probably simply because he's totally comfortable with you shacking up, and thought since you were consenting, that you were too.
anonymous
2009-05-19 17:52:30 UTC
If it really matters that much to you, drop some hints.
Cherish Cheyenne
2009-05-19 16:21:16 UTC
if he didn't tell you he loved you for a year then hes just afraid of commitment
αρσѕтσℓι¢ ¢нι¢α!!
2009-05-19 16:44:56 UTC
ask him if he ever wants to take a bigger step...bring it up.


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