Question:
To what extent is the groom's mother generally involved in wedding planning?
anonymous
1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
To what extent is the groom's mother generally involved in wedding planning?
21 answers:
iloveweddings
2009-04-28 20:29:47 UTC
Hi. It totally depends on the bride. Some on here want NO part of the groom's mother being involved in anything....nothing...period. Others are happy to include their future mother-in-law. It's all up to the bride.
anonymous
2009-04-28 20:31:24 UTC
I know for my wedding I dont want either my mother or my mother in law too involved in planning the wedding....



Of course I want them to help me make decisions, come with me to choose the cake and decoration etc. I want them with me when I choose my dress etc but I want my partner and I to be the ones who make all the final decisions!



Also - I want my parnter and I to be the ones who decide on the venue, the menu, the band and most importantly the guest list!



I want a small-ish wedding and I know my future mother in law will want to invite everyone she has ever known and I wont stand for that - neither of our parents are being involved in writing the guest list - that is our decision!



I think the groom's mother can be involved as little or as much as you like! I think it would be nice to have her included a little, after all - she is family but I dont think either parent should get final say on anything - especially if they arent paying for it!



If they are contributing money then perhaps they should get more of a say - I dont know...I dont expect any money from our parents so I dont expect them to make decisions....
PugMom
2009-04-29 07:52:46 UTC
In my personal opinion, the grooms mother should have just as much say as the bride's mother. It's an equal partnership between the bride and groom, why should one side have more input than the other.
lazeny
2009-04-29 11:42:06 UTC
I always though that both sets of parents are somehow included one way or the other on the whole thing - be it large or small. However, my man doesn't like his mom to be involved in planning (or anything that has to do w/ him) for that matter because he said his mom has a tendency to pressure and cry and tell all of their relatives when she can't get her way.



In fact, in his brother's wedding, all of the aunts, his mom's friends, as well as me knows about his mom's issues w/ the wedding (she wants it in a church, the couple wants it to be civil wedding, the idea that she thinks that she must be consulted and give her approval before the couple make a decision in the planning etc.) and since my man witnessed that first hand, and the fact that his mom tends to be very controlling - he never wants to include her in the planning of a wedding, or any major decisions in his life.
truefirstedition
2009-04-29 08:38:37 UTC
She's involved to whatever extent she's paying for. If she's contributing half the funds for the wedding, she gets half the say. Whoever holds the purse strings makes the decisions.



If she's not paying for anything, then she's involved to whatever extent the person paying (bride and groom, bride's parents, whoever) feels comfortable having her involved.
ursaitaliano70
2009-04-28 23:18:28 UTC
My husband and I are the parents of the groom. The engagement was announced to us over a year ago. We were surprised as we didn't even know our son was in a serious relationship! He is 30 now. We retired and moved out of state south over 500 miles from where he is living. They visited once and on their second visit surprised us with the an announcement. When they left I graciously told both of them to let us know how we could help. In October we received a copy of the invitation which was for a Disney cruise and Island wedding. No mention as to who on our side of the family was invited. (They did ask for a list of family members for announcements at one point but that was it.)The entire trip will cost close to $4500 at least. Most folks are unable to attend and we were informed that they just didn't care who attended or not because the wedding was for them. We were not told the bride's parents names or even where to contact them. Now we understand that they are planning a reception sometime after the honeymoon. No one has asked whether we would like to include members of our family on the list. We would not mind helping out with the wedding reception if we could invite at least a few of our family. Her mother is single and living with a man.

I feel since she has gone ahead and planned everything that it is just plain inconsiderate. We have asked our son to invite them down to our home as a vacation weekend ( we live in a resort area). He said they are not retired and probably couldn't make it. I am upset that he himself and his fiance have not suggested a way for us to meet. The bottom line here is that the mother and father of the groom should at least be given a chance to offer the help. If they are totally excluded they will definitely be hurt and that's no way to start a marriage.

Set up a dinner for both sets of parents and see if the groom's parents would like to invite some family members. They won't out shine the bride's mother if they have any kind of intelligence.
anonymous
2009-04-29 16:02:02 UTC
It's really up to the bride. Personally, I know when the time come I'll want my boyfriend's mom to be involved, because I really do love her and think the world of her. Also, she has two sons and no daughters - she will never get to have the fun of being mother of the bride. How could I possibly exclude her from the fun things like dress fittings and stuff, when I know she's always thought of me as a daughter from day one? (And we're not even engaged yet!)



Even if you're not super close to your FMIL, it might be nice to include her at least somewhat - she'll be family soon, and it's a nice gesture.
angelbaby
2009-04-28 20:44:50 UTC
I think she can become involded when inviting his side of the family is concerned.Other then that I think it is entirely up to you and the groom to deal with the wedding planning.But generally it is really all up to the bridezilla..lol
myluv115
2009-04-28 20:36:12 UTC
I guess it would really depend on how much the bride and groom want her to be involved in. How much she is contributing to the wedding and how much she wants to be involved herself. Every situation is different. IF she is crowding your space you need to tell her nicely. If she is paying for everything, you still need to tell her very nicely to back off a little. You should be able to plan your own wedding with some help from family and friends.
Dory
2009-04-30 03:56:22 UTC
Its really down to the couple. My son is getting married next year to a really wonderful girl. I would never presume to be involved but luckily she has involved me in everything and for this I feel truly honoured. As it turns out I am making her dress as well as the bridesmaid dresses and waistcoats for my son and best man. I am also making the wedding cake and favours. I bought my children up as a single parent, but remarried a couple of years ago. I am not in a position to give much financially, but by doing what I am I am saving them a small fortune. My other son got married 2 years ago and I was involved but not to the extent that I am now. I made his wedding cake and favours and was asked my opinion on food etc.
anonymous
2016-04-06 07:07:53 UTC
If the mother of the groom wants to be involved, by all means allow her to be! She's about to become a big part of your life, why not use this event to bond with her? In a lot of cases the grooms family will pay for aspects like the brides flowers and the grooms clothing, sometimes they even plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner. It's great to get them involved since their son is getting married. It's not all about the bride and her family, there are TWO people getting married and TWO families involved. Why should the mother of the bride get all the fun of planning?
anonymous
2009-04-28 20:31:40 UTC
It really depends. Once upon a time, there were clearcut definitions of which side of the family paid for (and generally, by extension, had input on) which parts of the wedding. But usually the old rules don't apply any more, for a million reasons.



For example, when the rules were put in place, usually women didn't work and didn't bring in an income. Men would be more established as, until fairly recently in history (the past 40-50 years or so), the man was often, or usually, at least several years older than his bride, and not uncommonly 10 or more years older. (Today, in the U.S., grooms are still older than brides on average, but only by a couple of years.) So that made a difference in who "could" pay for what.



Also, when the rules were put in place, men and women generally didn't live together first, and were starting with nothing.



Probably most important of all, it was an "exchange" and a way of balancing, supposedly, in a family that might have both boys and girls.



Okay. All that said, today, it is really up to you how involved you want your future MIL to be, and up to her how involved she tries to be. It's tricky and can be a touchy subject. Feelings get hurt, threats get made ("If we can't help you pick out the flowers, we're not paying for them," etc.). So tread carefully. I'm attaching an article just for general reference. It's about who pays for what, but again, those are the things that usually come with the "input" stipulation attached.
Mrs.G
2009-04-29 00:55:51 UTC
They are usually not involved much. Traditionally, they pay much less than the Brides family therefore, have less say in the plans. Its typical for the grooms family to sort the rehearsal dinner, possibly honeymoon, bouquets and transportation. My in laws are doing all this. My FMIL is not very involved though. I am currently living in England but getting married back home ( USA) so its very hard for even me to plan overseas. Its even harder for her to try and get involved. However, I try and include her in everything. Whenever I do something wedding related over here ( i.e. picking BMs dresses and going to wedding fairs) she has come with me. Basically, I think people will be as involved as they want to be. Some people are cursed with a controlling FMIL and some with ones that dont support the union... i think my FMIL is right in the middle and im happy shes been so supportive and stayed out of the way because between me and my mom...its covered!
mydarlyngirl
2009-04-28 20:36:44 UTC
My fiance's mother is almost as equal in planning as my mother. She lives with my fiance and I (in our house) so I would feel mean leaving her out- she is very sweet and we get along very well. My parents are giving us about $3000 toward the wedding as an early wedding gift and she is not contributing but buying us a nice dining room table as a wedding gift (she is retired, and lives on a tight pension- she will be moving out before the wedding and short on cash). Neither mother has veto power.

I invited her to come with my mother and grandma to look at my wedding dress, and I will invite her to as much as possible as planning goes further (we still have a year). I want her to feel involved - this is her first and possibly only child to marry (others are bachelors in late 30's).

It'd probably be different if she was opinionated or pushy- but she's not so it works well...
CindyLu
2009-04-28 20:42:37 UTC
The groom's parents pay for the liquor at the reception but generally have limited involvement in the wedding plans. Today many groom's parents are contributing or even paying for the wedding/receptions. If so they have a right to have imput in the plans equal to the cash they are putting into it.



The rehersal dinner is the groom's mother's time to shine so to speak. This dinner can be anything from potluck on the dinning room table to an affair near the size and scope of the reception itself.
amyhpete
2009-04-28 20:37:03 UTC
It varies a lot depending on the bride's relationship with the groom's mother, the groom's mother's interest in doing wedding planning with the bride, whether the groom's family is contributing the traditional parts like the rehearsal dinner and transportation, and whether the groom's family has a substantial guest list such that they ought to be doing something for the wedding.



Some groom's mothers have gone along with the bride and her mother to dress fittings, etc.



My case was weird because my adoptive mom who raised me had died, my bio mom decided to have plastic surgery the week of my wedding, my dad said he'd pay for whatever but did not want to do any wedding errands, and my other female relatives lived far away.



My husband's mother invited my father and me to dinner at her house where she served us incredibly dry roast beef and just didn't clean and the whole thing was not very special at all. But she's a nice lady and asked me politely what she should wear to the wedding, and did proceed to buy a very nice dress and hat. :-)



It all depends on your relationship with your husband's mother.
July 2009 Bride
2009-04-28 20:36:22 UTC
I've actually asked my FMIL to help me plan the wedding, because she's had experience in planning weddings before.

But really, It's up to you to decide if you want her to help you plan or not.

Good Luck!
1065jada
2009-04-28 20:29:44 UTC
Not much unless asked. Your mom should shine. Depends on how well you like you inlaw and may want to ask her for help in some way.

Just don't let her out do or out shine your mom. The hurt will never go away
ツPeace☮
2009-04-30 07:21:33 UTC
As far as I know, they don't do any planning at all. But its modern times, and it is nice (if their nice!) for them to get involved, especially if they have no daughter.
anonymous
2009-04-28 20:27:05 UTC
The grooms parent would pay for extra things that they want ... for example an open bar .
Luv2Answer
2009-04-29 05:06:17 UTC
She isn't.


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