Question:
My fiancé doesn't want to set a date for the wedding.?
Allison
2018-05-17 02:19:17 UTC
I ve been dating this guy for four years. He proposed three months ago and since then doesn t want to talk about setting a date, choosing a venue, etc. He says he wants to get premarital counseling first, which I agree would be a good idea since this will be a second marriage for both of us. The problem is he hasn t made any effort in contacting anyone to get the counseling started. We have a great relationship, are established in our careers and money isn t an issue for either one of us. He told me a week after his proposal his greatest fear is marriage. His hesitancy is making me rethink this whole thing and I need advice. I don t want to push things but it s been four years of dating and three months of being engaged with absolutely no talk of when he wants to seal the deal. HELP.
Twenty answers:
GEEGEE
2018-05-21 19:51:44 UTC
Sounds like he might have proposed because he thinks it's expected as the next step, but in reality isn't ready and might never be. See if you can get the counseling rolling and if not, I'd back out.
Reba
2018-05-18 18:15:07 UTC
So schedule the counseling yourself, if he dodges that then you will know he has no intention of marrying you, but if he makes and effort and goes to counseling then he will work out his fear of marriage so you can set a date, there is nothing wrong with a long engagement.
Liz
2018-05-18 08:51:52 UTC
I hate to tell you this but you're not engaged. Being engaged means that (a) he popped the question, (b) you accepted his proposal and (c) the two of you are actively planning your wedding.



It sounds like the so-called proposal you got from your non-fiance was what's commonly referred to as a "shut up proposal", simply given to make you think the relationship is moving on to the next level but never intended to be followed up on.



There is no talk of sealing the deal because the guy you're currently wasting your time on has no desire to seal the deal. Give him back the ring and wish him well. Then go out and try to meet some actual men.
digimutt
2018-05-17 21:48:19 UTC
He proposed to shut you up It will be another four years or longer before he sets a date
?
2018-05-17 14:36:15 UTC
I hate to put it this way, but it seems he asked you to marry him to placate you and keep you around. Because he clearly is not ready to be married, your engagement is not going to be used to plan a wedding, it is going to be used as a stall method. Or, so it seems that way.



If you have a great relationship then why do you need couples counseling? There are some underlying issues that need to be resolved and he knows it or he would not suggest such a thing. To ask you to marry him, admit that couples counseling is needed, refusing to plan or talk about a wedding or a marriage and stating he is GREATEST fear is marriage.



It is quite evident that his guy is no where near ready to get married. But, that is what you want after a four year courtship. Therefore, couples counseling is something you need do YOU can decide if he is really the one who will make you a good husband. Take matters into your own hands and make that appointment during a time when he can make it and bite the bullet and go find out if you two are really husband and wife material for one another.



Because if you sit and do nothing, you may be engaged for another four years!! You have to find out if this man is going to be in your future or not, without spending a whole heck of a lot of more time to find out.
sunshine_mel
2018-05-17 13:26:01 UTC
You're in a relationship with him - so you need to talk to him and see exactly what's going on.



He's proposed - this means (in theory) he wants to get married to you.
?
2018-05-17 11:54:53 UTC
He doesn't want to get married.



What you need to do is have a very open and honest conversation of what each of your expectations of this relationship is. If you're seeking marriage and he's not, then you want very different things and aren't right for each other. Be prepared for answers you don't want to hear (or know the difference of him telling you what you want to hear vs the truth) and then make changes if necessary.
?
2018-05-17 10:21:13 UTC
Although it would be the second marriage for both of you, after four years, he should know what he wants. If you had been together for just a year or two, then I might understand him being hesitant. He should be thrilled he's found love again. But something is holding him back, and I think it's fear of another divorce. Which is sad, because you guys have your lives together with regards to jobs and money, and your relationship sounds like a good one. Many guys just don't like to talk about stuff, especially the things that are important to us. But as women we want to know if we're moving forward, and when. We don't want to wait, and there's no reason to if things are otherwise good in your relationship. I would definitely rethink the marriage and wedding plans. Give him a timeframe and say, by the end of June if you don't know if you want to be married, or won't go to counseling, then we can just move on. Good luck.
Leafsfan29-Embrace the drought!
2018-05-17 03:24:24 UTC
Set up the counseling and get him to agree to 6-8 weeks of counseling, after which he agrees to start looking at setting a date. If he can't hold up his end, then you may need to cut your losses.
Coach Simon
2018-05-17 03:16:05 UTC
Traditionally it is the woman who sets the date, etc, not least as it is her family that pays! However, with second marriages it is more a matter of teamwork. If he fears marriage why did he propose? I rather suspect that he is stringing you along. There are plenty of relationship books out there.....
anonymous
2018-05-24 06:14:06 UTC
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Ocimom
2018-05-19 18:36:56 UTC
Tell him he either picks a date soon or you are out of there. Why are you wasting your time on him? I don't think there will be a wedding. He has everything now.
BeatriceBatten
2018-05-18 19:08:53 UTC
So decide what you're willing to put up with, and then sit down with him and have a serious talk. Tell him you want honest, real answers, not "someday" or "I'm not ready yet but give me time" promises.



Ask him why he proposed to you if he's not ready NOW to take the steps toward getting married. A proposal isn't supposed to be a way to buy more time to get ready to get married, or to get to know each other better. You propose when you're ready to actually get married ... tomorrow, if you had to (although wedding plans may take 6-24 months, typically, depending on what kind of wedding you want to plan).



You can certainly make the counseling appointment yourself and then tell him that he comes with you or it's over ... on the one hand that could be the kick in the butt he needs to get going; on the other hand, do you really want to be stuck in a marriage (or a never-ending "engagement") where you are the one doing all the legwork? Do you really want to start your marriage (or the beginning of this "engagement") off with an ultimatum?



Again, think about what YOU want and what YOU are willing to put up with, then sit down and have this tough conversation with him. If you guys don't want the same things out of your future, then it's time to break up - even if you're deeply in love and even if he's super-nice to you. There's no point in staying together if you envision vastly different things for your future.
?
2018-05-17 19:07:06 UTC
Are you entirely helpless? My gut tells me this guy is very gunshy and he may never marry you. He probably proposed because you were pressuring him. If you want to try to get the ball rolling and hope he comes around, then YOU find a premarital counselor and YOU set up the sessions. Do it today. If he refuses to go or makes excuses as to why the time won't work or he doesn't like the counselor or whatever, then that is a big red flag that he is never going to marry you.



You should be able to discuss what TYPE of wedding you want. How big? How formal? Where? There is nothing wrong with having a meaningful ceremony with friends and family, but there is also nothing wrong with just going to the courthouse on your lunch break and signing the papers. If he won't even discuss the general parameters of the celebration/ceremony then that is another red flag.
g
2018-05-17 12:32:13 UTC
"He told me a week after his proposal his greatest fear is marriage." And yet he asked you to marry him?? Did he do that because he felt you would leave otherwise? Yes, he needs counseling - and you may want to think hard about this. If he gave you a "shut up" ring, I'd give it back and decide whether I wanted to be married to a man who feels forced.
Barb Outhere
2018-05-17 11:09:26 UTC
Why don't YOU set up a meeting with a pre-marital counselor yourself? Why wait around for him to start it going? That way in effect you can call his bluff - is this really what he was waiting for or was it just an excuse.
?
2018-05-17 10:54:58 UTC
He sounds like the engagement was a way to get you to stay around a while longer.



If you continue to put up with this its on you.
anonymous
2018-05-17 06:50:18 UTC
get a prenup then
?
2018-05-17 06:42:53 UTC
Men, as you know, are not exactly great at moving forward unless there's a big drink in it for them or sex, lol. However, jokes aside, what appears to be the rush on your part as it would appear to me things haven't exactly moved fast enough for you as far as marriage to him is concerned. Also wanting to get premarital counselling, kinder says a great deal about where he is at as far as an adult is concerned. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with counselling, however, why does a person need guidance/acknowledgement of the right and wrong things to do within a marriage to achieve a happy ever after. One of the biggest dilemma's for most is that it's marriage that prove to be the real deal-breaker of many relationship. Why, because nowadays people are too fear-full to have boundaries or expectation of their partners believing it makes us look clingy or lacking self-esteem. Not in my book though! Pledging your love for someone (Sorry, I just love that word pledging) and being afforded the same response, should be enough of an acknowledgement that you'll devote all of your efforts to making them feel like the only person on earth within a crowded room of people. I know it might appear a little OTT but that's how I see romance. there are no if, buts and definitely no maybes when it comes to ones bf/gf/partner/wife in my books. Sadly, we all know the very moment our relationship is going down the pan, yet we fail to acknowledge it, opting to let it go albeit knowing it's never going to get any better from that moment on. The fork in the road moment hits us all very early on, yet we make excuses for their behaviour in between the tears we shed night after night about their lack of respect for me so early on. IO know I'm being vague, because I want you to acknowledge it yourself, as you've been there many times yourself. Probably a tad more than you expected but listen to your gut feelings around all the aspects of where you believe he's truly at interms of this whole relationship and marriage proposal as our guts are invariably ever wrong. I wish you the very best of luck as you're gonna need it!
?
2018-05-17 03:30:45 UTC
Be an adult.

Make an appointment for pre-marital counseling. And tell him when it is and tell him you are going whether or not he shows up.

If he doesn't go, you will only have that one appointment, but it will help you see things clearly.



Also, if he doesn't go, then probably he doesn't mean TO marry you and only proposed to shut you up. If his only objection is getting counselling, and he isn't doing anything to start that counselling, then you need to call his bluff.



If what you want IS marriage .. and what he wants is NOT marriage, then no matter how great the relationship is, it is not really that great. And will only get worse over time.

His fear can wreck the relationship, and if he doesn't work it out before the marriage, it can wreck the marriage too.



But understand that while the divorce rate is 50%, the break-up rate for common-law (living together) is 75%. Nothing wrong with not marrying, but there is a deep-seated problem if one of the two will NOT marry.



Is he "stonewalling" you? When you try to start a conversation about marriage, does he change the subject? This is NOT good communication. Don't marry until the communication is open and honest and both of you have the courage to face the issues.



And if you cannot resolve this situation, and if marrying is important to you, then you either have to drop marrying or you have to drop him.


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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