I told future mother-in-law to stop calling herself my "new mom". Was I right to do this?

Question

For some cracked out reason, FMIL has taken to calling herself my "new mom", which makes me highly uncomfortable. One, I am not looking for a new mom, two, I have a damn good mom who is still alive, three, I am not planning on calling FMIL "mom" ever in this lifetime and four, I think that is very inappropriate and rude of her. What really lead me to nip this in the bud was when my mom was visiting this weekend and in front of her, FMIL called herself my "new mom". My mom then took me aside and asked me if FMIL had lost her natural mind. When my mom left, I told FMIL that I didn't appreciate her calling herself my "new mom", that it was rude and disrespectful to my mom and that I could never think of her in that way as I already have a mom and my mom's mom. FMIL turned 3 shades of purple and had it out with FH, who said he has told her that I am not an open book like she is and that I am very inclusive. In my family, we don't call in-laws "mom" or "dad". They are Mr or Mrs or called by their first names. I could never call an in-law mom or dad or even consider them as such. Btw, FMIL has 3 daughters of her own.

Answer 1

I find it amazing how some MIL's do things that are offensive and hurtful and then expect to be treated like they are fragile and incapable of handling the truth. I'm not saying all MIL's do this but it's almost like a guilt trip.



Sometimes no matter HOW you tell someone something, they will get hurt, offended, and angry. You could have took her to lunch and bought her a nice outfit and then talked to her about the situation and she still might have had a fit. I can't say she would have still been as hurt but if you know your situation, then you should of had an idea of her reaction to what you were saying.



I think sometime MIL's and DIL's expect more from their DIL/MIL than they receive. Since communication is the key, try to talk to her about all the things that bother you, she may think it's silly but if she respects you she will understand and she should do the same. There was no reason why she couldn't talk to you about calling herself your "new mom" before shouting it to your mom, just a little respect. You mom may feel she's having to give up her child while your MIL is almost gloating in her face (probably not her intentions).



So I think you both were wrong but the intentions were still good, just know next time how to deal with her.

Answer 2

Wow!

I think that your fmil's gesture was completly shut down by you. You might have strong views and opinions on the word mom, but I really do not think you handled the situation appropriatly.

She was welcoming you into her family, and was basically saying, I love you as I do my very own children, and you were rude and inconsiderate.

Would it have killed you to smile and nod, stick up for your mom quietly and speak to your fh about it before you completly humiluated her and embarrassed her?



I love the fact my MIL to be considers me one of her own by calling us both "the kids" and includes me in everything and I would be honoured to call her mom at some point, especially considering we are planning on having a family some day



I think you really need to do some long thinking about how you handled the situation, and if I were you, I would talk to your MIL to be and explain to her you got a little freaked out and that your mom was uncomfortable, this she will understand, appologize to her and tell her that it going to take some time to get use to the idea that you will soon have a mother in law, legally thats what she is, a mother in law, so she is sort of like your mom, she isnt your "new" mom meaning shes replacing your old mom, and I really dont think thats what she ment.

I could never imagine saying or doing what you did to my FMIL, I would be so embarrassed, and I bet my FH would be pretty upset with me too.

Answer 3

I think you were a bit hasty in having it out with her. I honestly don't think she meant it like you think. How was she to know that your family are much more reserved?



I treat my FMIL like a good friend, but not like a mother. My brother has to call his in-laws "Mr and Mrs Smith", which I would hate. Why so formal? But each to their own! Your family are like this, your fiance's are not. It's just an issue that you needed to talk to her about in a calm and relaxed manner, but not to have accused her of trying to replace your mother; because that's not what she's trying to do.



I think it was more like, you're going to be her daughter-in-law, which is like a daughter figure to her. If she's anything like my FMIL, she will be mothering you anyway, because she enjoys your company, and loves that you're part of the family.



You need to keep your FMIL on your side, so I suggest you try to sort things out with her as soon as possible. One day she may become someone you rely on for a lot; and you don't want the relationship to be tense.

Answer 4

I agree with everyone else that has answered. You are perfectly within your rights to feel uncomfortable at the title she was trying to adopt herself. 'new mom' DOES make it sound like she's a replacement when she's not. No one could ever do that whether your mom was alive or not.

Again, I agree that the WAY you handled the situation wasn't all that great. Instead of being so forceful and saying she was disrespecting your mom and was being rude (she probably didn't mean to and didn't even realize how uncomfortable she was making you) you could have just said that you are happy to become part of the family but you're just not comfortable when she says 'new mom'. I don't know her, she may have reacted just the same but at least then you would know it was her just overreacting and nothing that you did wrong.

Answer 5

I think it was fine that you expressed that you were uncomfortable with the whole "new mom" thing, but you could have handled it better. You came across as rude and snobbish. Now you need to apologize to your FMIL for being bratty in the way you told her (although you do need to tactfully explain that although you respect her, you would very much appreciate it if she didn't call herself your "new mom").

Answer 6

I completely agree with the first answer. You should definitely tell your FMIL that you and your family are uncomfortable with her announcing herself as "your new mom". However you should have pulled her aside and asked nicely "Mrs. So and So I understand that your family and my family are different when it comes to etiquette. My family does not refer to in-laws as "mom" or "dad" and actually sees it as disrespectful. If you could please stop referring to yourself as my "new mom" and address my parents as Mr so and Mrs so my family and I would appreciate it." She may have gotten upset and perhaps hurt however she would take it much better and gotten over it quicker. In addition to taking her aside I would also have explained to your mother that your future husbands family is a little different and call their in-laws mom or dad, and you have spoken to her about it. If it continued to happen again, pull her aside and explain you have already gone over this and would appreciate it if she respected your wishes. Personally I call my in-laws mom and dad because that is just how our family is, and there is nothing wrong with either way.

Answer 7

I can see you are very worked up about it but I would have chosen a better time and way of explaining that to her.



I know you mom might have been upset but you will be the one that will have to see her / talk to her more than your mom and that last thing you want to do is create friction. But it looks like you might already have.



I would suck it up and apologize to your FMIL and express that you are more than happy to be apart of her new family but it is uncomfortable for you to call her mom.



Be sensitive to her feelings too, even if she is a MIL from HELL.

Answer 8

But she will be her grandma. What's wrong with calling her what she is? I had three grandmothers and grandfathers growing up, and certainly wasn't traumatized by it. If anything, you should have explained gently to FMIL that your little girl is very, very shy, and it will take time for the girl to warm up to her new grandma and be willing to call her a grandma-like name. I don't understand why you're trying to make an enemy of your FMIL for absolutely no good reason at all. It's not putting your FH in a very good position, you know.

Answer 9

it was probably inappropriate for you to wait until it was a bigger problem and go off on her. but, i completely agree with you. i will NOT call my FMIL mom...ever. we just dont' do that. tell your mom not to take it personally, that's just the way she is. and proceed to call FMIL by first name, never acknowledging her desire to take your mom's place! she'll give up eventually.

Answer 10

you were perfectly within your rights to ask the woman not to call herself your new mom, but maybe you could have done it in a more tactful way so she would understand it was offensive to you and your mom. I guess she's excited to have a daughter, does she have all sons or something? I have a few older women who think of me as their daughter but my mom is such a hellion that I don't really like it when anyone mothers me much.

Answer 11

Maybe she just likes you. Alot of people feel the need to accept their daugter in laws as their own. I know that my fiances father for instance really likes having me around, and does in fact think of me as a daughter. (he had a daugter that tragicly passed away in a car accident) The family says I remind them alot of her, yet its not some twisted way of them not letting go either. They do act like parental figures towards us, but I can say that they genuinely love us, and I appreciate the fact that they do. After all, its better than being hated. Im not saying call her mom, cause I dont do that, and would not be comfortable doing so either. I do call my fiances father (Pop), but that is because that is what my son calls him, and what my fiance calls him, so it seems more natural I guess. Plus, we talk alot more than I do with her.

Answer 12

she was just excited and trying to welcome you into the family. i understand why you feel like it was rude, but do you really think she knew that's how she was making you feel or that that's how it was coming off to you. that was a ***** move on your part. you need to take her aside and explain that yes, she is going to be your mother-in-law but not a new mom. how would your mother feel if you FH talked to her they way you talked to you FMIL? how does your FH feel about how you talked to his mama. you care a lot about your mother and i'm assuming he probably does about his mom too. don't rock the boat. i wouldn't want to in my family if you were treating my mom like that!

Answer 13

You could have handled it better. If it makes you uncomfortable, you should have said something reasonably soon after she started. And you could have done it nicer. Remember, this is your FH's mom. You would be mad if he yelled at your mom and told her she was being disrespectful, Right?????



The better way to handle it would have been to just say that you are uncomfortable with the "new mom" phrase and would prefer to just call her by her first name. Explain that in your family, the in-laws are not referred to as "Mom" or "dad", but by their first names and that it is just something you are not used to. You could have pointed out that maybe your mom already feels as if her "baby" is growing up and she is "loosing you" (even if your mom doesn't feel that way) but that you don't want your mom to feel like she is being replaced either by you calling someone else "new mom", even if it is your FH's mom.



While she may have been rude in your eyes, she was actually just saying in a round about way that she is excited to welcome you to the family and happy that her son chose you. It was a compliment that she thinks you are good enough for her son and WANTS you to call her MOM. Even though you feel she was disrespectful, you were 10x more disrespectful by telling her off like that and telling her straight up that you would never even think of her like that.



Hate to say it, but when you marry your husband, you are also marrying into his family. It is no longer "Your family" or "my family", but OUR FAMILY. I call my husband's mom "Mom" and it is because she is my mom. Not like my own mother, but she is the one that raised my wonderful husband and was/is there for him. And in turn, she is also there for me. When he is deployed, she calls to make sure I am ok. She was part of planning my wedding. She is part of my life. While she will never replace my real mom, she is a big part of my life....and a big part of my husband's life.



At the very least, haven't you ever been taught to respect your elders? If you couldn't have handled this in a polite, grown up manor, you should have had your FH talk to his mom for you. He would have known how to explain it to where it wouldn't hurt her or tick her off.

Answer 14

Clearly, you believe in telling it like it is. So, here's how it is.



You are seriously over-reacting and so is your mother.



Your future MIL is trying to make you feel welcome and tried to break the ice on what to call her. If you don't want to call her "Mom", that's fine but you should say so gently.



You were way out of line by telling her off. You might as well have hit her in the head with a frying pan.



You owe her an apology.

Answer 15

I guess its all in how you look at it. she wants to be considered your mom Most MIL don't have any desire to create a bond with the S or D inlaw.



I find it odd that a name expecially one of endearment bothers you. it sounds like she is welcoming you into the family.



my mom died when I was 12, there will never be another person I will consider my mom. BUT if my MIL wanted to call herself my new mom that would be ok with me BUT I would never call her Mom

Answer 16

i think you should put yourself in your FMIL's shoes. perhaps she's proud that she's gaining someone that's the closest thing to a daughter. i think you and your mom should stop being so uptight. she's not trying to replace your mom, she's just acknowledging that you're a new part of the family, whether it's the way you like it or not.

Answer 17

I think it was right that you told her you weren't comfortable with her referring to herself as that. Although, I think you could have handled it a little better. She's just trying to include you and make you feel part of the family, I don't think she was trying to step on any toes (although she really shouldn't have said that in front of your mom.)

Answer 18

Well, you could have probably handled it a little bit better, but I agree with you. Just a simple "thanks, but I already have a great mom" would have covered it. I call my in laws by their first names and I wouldn't ever call them mom and dad, and they don't expect me to either.

Answer 19

You were right to let her know you were uncomfortable with her calling herself that.



You were wrong in the WAY you told her. You could have done it kindly so that she wouldn't have been embarassed or hurt.



Now you may not care if you hurt her feelings but the fact of the matter is this woman is your husband's mother...and you don't want to make an enemy out of her.



You owe her an apology for how you went off on her.

Answer 20

it's not what you say, but how you say it. perhaps taking her to the side and explaining that it makes you uncomfortable would have sufficed and she may have respected your wishes for it.

Answer 21

it was kind of rude for you to say this. i would feel terrible if someone said this to me. she is just happy that her son is with you and loves you.

Answer 22

Good for you! You don't need to take **** off them! If you don't like it tell them!