What to do when a friend steals your wedding ideas?

Question

A friend who got engaged recently decided that she wanted to use 80% of the ideas that I had for my own wedding (I'm getting married Sept. of next year), in her's. This includes colors, venue, time of day (we were planning a night time candlelit ceremony), amongst several other things. She also scheduled her day about a month before mine...
I'm very hurt and upset that she's taking ideas that I have worked so hard on. How do I tell her this politely? I got off the phone with her last night and just cried when she told me all of her "plans"? My fiance said to just not tell her anything else....
Besides that, what should I do? She also informed me that she wants me to be in charge of planning the whole thing and basically told me to put my wedding planning on hold to plan her's.

Answer 1

To be fair, "your" wedding has probably been done a million times before. The time (how many options can there be?), the colours etc.



But I can see how you'd be upset, especially if you think she has done it consciously.



Seeing as you had yours planned first, I think it is perfectly fair for you to let her know that seeing as the dates are so close, you won't be able to commit to helping her too much as you'll be busy with your own.



One way you could up her though on the colours thing is to send your invitations out first and make sure they are the colour/theme of your wedding. Then the people going to both will get yours first and hers will seem like a copy.



The only thing you can do to guarantee your weddings are different is change everything. But why should you have to? Just grit your teeth and keep going. On the day it won't matter. Don't give up your dream wedding just because she is copying some elements.



As long as she doesn't decide to marry your fiance as well, you'll have a beautiful day.



You never know, she might end up changing her mind.



You could test out the waters and let her know that you really liked her idea for *flowers* and you'll probably do the same. If she gets upset, just looked shocked and say - well I thought seeing as you were doing the same *sash colours* as me, you wouldn't mind me doing the same *flowers*. I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were so sensitive.

She might take the hint and change her plans. If not, then you know she's in her own little wdding world and nothing you can do will change it.



I agree with fiance though, and maybe be discreet about any new ideas. If she asks what you're doing, just say - I'm not sure. I have a few ideas but haven't decided yet.



Good luck and remember the most important part is you're getting married, not that you're having a big party.

Answer 2

What a high and humble offer. My suggestion would be don't let the little green monster get too you. This is a rare opportunity to test your mettle and if your wedding ideas would float. An idea person can always get other ideas but your "friend" she just doesn't have a clue.



My suggestion don't get fully sucked in. If you can stomach it put your wedding plans either ahead to get even or back to be smart even better do it as a dry run for yours, if all else fails you can elope with style. before her wedding another key juggler move. She wouldn't be able to say she married before you, you would be slightly stealing some of her thunder especially if your wedding reception was thrown 2days to 1 month before her wedding and bridal dinner. When asked you can always remark I gave my best ideas away and decided all was needed was me and him and a few people that could leave in a hurry. Not to mention the oh is she or isn't she effect, make sure you hold your stomach a lot and fain almost fainty and slightly nauseated a few times.

Answer 3

Don't plan her wedding!

And think about it this way. If she's stealing your ideas, but you get married first, she's going to look dumb and unoriginal. Egg all over her face. There is no nice way about it. Tell her you don't appreciate her stealing your stuff. After all, like someone else said, you're not her wedding planner. How long do you have til your wedding? Do you have time to switch up some things? Just to make it you and unique. I hope things get better and in my opinion, your friend doesn't sound too much like a "friend".



Edit: I just saw you're getting married in Sept. of next year. Yeah, you got time to plan other stuff. And if you need people to bat ideas around, myself and others on here are more than happy to help you!!!

Answer 4

Politely tell her that if she wants your help, and she's going to use so many of your ideas without asking you first, that she's going to have pay you for your time and trouble just like she would any other wedding planner. To do something like that is thoughtless and rude. It's is possible that she simply lacks imagination, and really needs your ideas. It's also possible that she doesn't remember you telling her about them. She could be stealing them subconsciously.

Of course you should say something. What are you supposed to do, help with her wedding while carrying such resentment in your heart?

Of course, if you're in charge, you could come up with some new ideas for her wedding. Just tell her they're better. Or tell her you've come up with new ideas for your own wedding. Maybe she'll steal those too...

Answer 5

Sister,

You have learned some important lessons. The first being that this is not your friend. Although imitation is the highest form of flattery, to take your ideas and plan the wedding before yours seems somewhat competitive.

The second lesson that you have learned is to not share so much of your ideas with others.

Now that you have learned these lessons, you have a decision to make. Do you suck it up, plan her wedding and then move on. Or do you let her know how it made you feel, refuse to help plan her wedding and end the friendship.

Whatever you decide, you have a right to make that decision. Good luck friend.

Answer 6

That would make me so upset. First, you know not to tell her any more of your ideas. Now is the time to be very direct with her, tell her you don't have time to "help" her plan the other 20% of her wedding when she's already copied most of it from yours. Tell her that you're flattered that she likes your ideas but also very hurt that she didn't even try to make them her own. If she is a true friend, she won't want your guests to have "wedding deja vu" and she will make some adjustments so that her wedding is more unique. Good luck.

Answer 7

This is very upsetting! I'd be pissed off, too.



I agree with your fiance. Just don't tell her anything else. I'm sure since you're very creative you can come up with something that is still your dream but that looks drastically different from what she is doing. Think about it. She's so lame, she couldn't even come up with her own ideas. Your weddings are going to be soooo different even with the same ideas, trust me.



And tell that chick she can do her own wedding, there's no way you're putting yours on hold to do hers! You already had a date set and everything, how dare she! You're going to have to get in touch with your inner rage and stop being so nice. You will be so angry, you won't care if you're hurting her feelings because she really does need to apologize and get her own ideas.

Answer 8

she does not sound like a very good friend at all. try looking back over your friendship has she stolen your thunder before? or tried to do things better than you?



i had a friend like that once. i had fallen in love and my new boyfriend was taking me on a holiday to florida. a few months before i was flying out she came to me and said she was getting married, and guess where she got married ..... florida, what hurt the most was that she got married the day before i flew out so i couldnt be there!



so many times she has done this. it turns out she was always jealous of me and was always trying to make her experiences better than mine.



firstly you need to speak to this friend and voice your concerns. tell her you wont plan her wedding as she already knows you are planning your own. also that she should choose different ideas for her wedding, as it is not fair that she has decided to do the same thing as you, and worst of all when people attend your wedding that attended hers, they will be remembering hers and comparing. sad to say but it is true.



whatever you do, remember it is your day and you should enjoy it whatever way you want. dont let her ruin your day.

x

Answer 9

Tell her 'you don't want my ideas, you want to come up with something original and special and unique to you'. Maybe suggest some things that she will like that are way different from what you are doing. Tell her 'I so wish I had thought to do that...but too late now. .....hey! you should do that, it would be awesome if you did!'. The thing is just to subtly steer her in a different direction from what you are doing.

If all else fails, tell her you don't like how she is doing everything the same as you.....or you could just change you whole wedding and not tell her anything but hopefully it won't come to that :) But don't share anymore of your real ideas with her anymore, just tell her lots of fake ones. Hope it works out for you.

Answer 10

well, I definitely wouldnt be planning her wedding. thats her job, not yours. as your fiance said, stop telling her your ideas. or, if shes just interested in copying your ideas then come up with something you would never use for your wedding and tell her those. maybe she'll change her mind and go with the new ideas you told her so you can have your wedding plans back. the only other thing to do is tell her what she is doing and that it bothers you that she is taking ideas you came up with. the only problem with that route is she is apt to call you jealous and start a fight about it.

Answer 11

i think if you approach her on this its going to end up being a big argument, lots of hurt feelings, and plenty of gossip about

the pair of you.

you don't want your wedding to be remembered as a big battle of the brides!

those who know and care about you will know what she has done, and in truth she may not even realize she is borrowing your plans. as for your being in charge of her wedding, you either just tell her no! that you don't feel you could give her the full attention she deserves as your own wedding is taking up so much of her time.

or you say yes i'd love to help you, and then help her come up with some unique and beautiful ideas for her wedding day thus leaving yours intact!

as excited as you are about your plans i hope you have learned a valuable lesson, don't brag about your wedding! and i'm sure you weren't 'bragging' but you know what i mean, you never, ever divulge specific details. you answer everyone's questions in generalities.

thats not going to help you now and about all i can say is this, you are obviously a 'crafty' type girl, someone with lots of great ideas, so tweak your plans just a bit to make them uniquely yours - again!

meanwhile you aren't the first bride, nor the last, that will think gosh i'm going to have an evening candlelight wedding at this venue! in other words you don't own the right to that style wedding, that time of day or the venue - so now you have to rethink, revamp your wedding plans.

for example you were going to have a candlelight wedding - i don't know what you were going to do but if you hadn't thought of it then why not go all out and have huge candelabras, sitting on glass mirrors. if that was what you had in mind then change it over to hurricane lamps and votive lamps with silver sparklies scattered all over the tables. or don't have candles now! use fairy lights, rope lighting, chandeliers! there are lots of ways you can change it out, and you still have lots of time to deal with this kind of detail!

see what i mean? but whatever you do, keep it to yourself!

i'm surprised any venue still allows candlelight! pretty much everywhere in our little corner of the world has banned candles/flames of any kind.

whatever you do, however you change your plans, keep it to yourself and have a very happy wedding!

Answer 12

Just find a way to make your plans better than "hers." There are always subtle ways of doing it up better and more personalized. I wouldn't put your plans on hold for that bride-zilla, she's rude and why should she expect you to drop everything just for little self-centered her? Exactly. You're supposed to be planning YOUR day to shine, not hers. Do your wedding the way you want but you can use hers to judge what you should add for a spark of creativity and make it different.

Answer 13

Its a compliment.....YEAH RIGHT!... I agree, I would be so hurt and pissed off, however, theres also an opportunity for revenge if you were to be such a person. She's putting you in charge...therefore you can make changes as you see fit, make it similar but not nearly as nice....or heaven forbid you should leave out some of the more unique details. Sorry, but I'm feeling rather snotty today.

Answer 14

your future husband is right. Tell her nothing from now on. I would also not hold back confronting her about her using your ideas. You, of course have no exclusive on these ideas and that may be her defense but I would let her know that your feelings have been hurt. If you want revenge take the planning job and make a balls out of it.

Answer 15

well putting your wedding plans on hold for her wedding is a little selfish of her..



i would say tell her other ideas.. not the ones youve come up with.. and maybe she will change them to the ones she thinks youll use.. that way your wedding and hers will be completely different..



and like your fiance said... dont tell her any more of YOUR ideas for YOUR wedding..



just make things up..



you could also jsut tell her that your not happy that shes taking all yoru ideas...



the funnest and most stressful part of a wedding is planning it.. you dont need anymore stress so just tell her whats bothering you

Answer 16

Is it possible to move your wedding up by a couple of months, so that it's before hers? Give her some ideas that are NOT yours. I don't actually care if they are not quite as good as yours, but she obviously is not as creative as you are, and needs help. And yes, you should tell her that you're upset that she's taking your ideas, that you wanted to be the first one to do these things.

Answer 17

I would tell her that as much as you would love to help her plan her special day you are too busy as you have your own to plan. No friend would be that selfish as to expect you to hold back your own day for her - and if she does then she is not a worthy friend.



Your fiance is right, she is only getting these ideas as you are feeding them to her. It is your day, keep your ideas between you and your fiance - no one else needs know until the big day arrives.

Answer 18

Personally, I would just tell her how I feel about the whole situation! Say you and I were best friends, and this same thing was going on. It would be perfectly fine for you to open up and tell me that you didn't like me stealing your ideas, and you wanted me to stop, and change what you were doing! (Though I am just 11... haha) It's what all my friends do.. but it's not always about getting married.. =D



just a suggestion though..

Answer 19

Same thing happened to me----let her do your ideas (even tho trust me, I know how you feel---but yet, realize people around you that you told know she's copying).....same thing, the gal did it before me w/ all my ideas, same boat you r in.....



Trust in your fiance, he's right, as hard as it is, let her go forth....cause, you will be able to see what she does (w/ your ideas)---but yours is after hers...then you can expand on it---but don't tell her anything anymore about what your ideas are.



And guaranteed, people will remember yours far more than hers.



Go for it & Congrats---just simply focus on doing it even better, you're obviously very creative, & I know you will succeed! And also please remember---the adgae, 'Imitation is the best form of flattery'! Take the high road....all will remember your wedding!

Answer 20

Tell her the truth. You'd love to plan hers, but you can't because of the fact that all of her "Ideas" were once yours. And if you already set a date what kind of friend is she to ask you to postpone your big day to help put on hers. Thats BS on her part. Sometimes the truth hurts, but its better to let it out than to hold it in. Tell her you can't help her, and you may not even make it to "Her" wedding if she doesn't lighten up.

Answer 21

First of all I would tell her that you are not going to plan her wedding. How lazy. If she doesn't want to plan it, maybe she shouldn't have a big wedding.



As for her stealing your ideas (another example of being lazy), it happens. Try not to let it get to you.

Answer 22

Usually I say "deal with it", but she really is copying you.



Don't tell her any more of your plans.



Tell her where to stick her idea of planning her wedding and putting yours on hold. Tell her to plan HER OWN wedding.



Don't tell her any more of your plans.



Doesn't sound like a real friend to me.

Answer 23

Dont plan her wedding or help out. Dont tell her any more of your ideas. Tell her that you want your wedding to be unique.

Answer 24

Are you a wedding planner? Why does she want you to be in charge of it? It sounds like she is controlling you....how long have youbeen friends with her?

Answer 25

As far as using the same things as you, there isn't much you can do. There is no patent that I know of on that kind of stuff. I would try to make my feelings known, and also let her know that you WILL NOT put your plans on hold to arrange hers. She can find someone else. I think you HAVE to tell her how you feel, and see where it goes from there.



Good Luck!

Answer 26

I would say the same thing your fiancee said and start keeping it to yourself which is hard because you are excited about your wedding and want to share it but try to keep any details from her.

Answer 27

wow,uh,dosent seem like a very good friendship in my opinion.

First off she shouldnt want to "steal"your ideas,second you shouldnt feel awkward calling it to her attention.

I would suggest you do "help"her,that way you can help maintain the level of quality to a standard you can surpass in your wedding.

passive aggressive tactics like baking soda on the cake,poisoned flowers,sabotaged audio equiptment are all juvenile actions,but seems like so is your relationship with your friend.

Dont get me wrong,your friend is a dog,and i would let everyone know what she has done.

talk to her and try to sway her to other beautiful concepts and ideas.

Answer 28

she doesnt sound like much of a friend!i would be straight with her and tell her your not happy at all about it. it may be the best form of flattery but its YOUR big day that you;ve been planning for ages, dont let her take that away from you

Answer 29

What a psycho...really. I don't think you can be polite here. You need to tell her exactly how you feel. Go from there.

Answer 30

wow

tell her exactly how you feel -

and how the HELL does she expect to plan two weddings at the same time?



she's jealous

Answer 31

be open and honest. tell her that you don't appreciate the fact that every idea you've told her she wants to use. tell her you appreciate that she liked your ideas but they were yours for your wedding! and unless she's paying you, you have no obligations unless you want to do it just so she can't take your ideas! best wishes

Answer 32

Agree w/fiance, DONT tell

her anymore of your plans!!!

Answer 33

Well you should tell her please don't do that and if she still does then u should think of different one and don't tell her until its your wedding day.

Answer 34

Start elling her about things that are ugly and see if she goes with it!

Answer 35

steal theres

Answer 36

slap them silly. =)

Answer 37

marry before her