How do I convince my the man I love that I'm not trying to "stop" him from being a father to his daughter?

Question

I hope you don't get the impression that I don't have sympathy for people with children but I'm 46 years old and I don't even HAVE children. My dad died when I was 14 and as the oldest child, I had to help my mom raise my three younger siblings. I'm a big sister and I'm also an aunt. I love all my nieces and nephews but I personally decided that I don't want children of my own. In fact, my husband divorced me in 2003 after 12 years of marriage BECAUSE I never changed my mind about children.

I've been in my current relationship for almost a year now. Despite the constant criticism and rude comments, my boyfriend Justin will be 20 in June. He was perfectly legal WHEN I met him. He lives with me as well and we definitely love each other. Justin works but it was MY choice to let him live here rent-free so he can afford child support payments for his 16-month old daughter that he has with his ex-girlfriend April. I make 75,000 a year, so I don't NEED help financially. Anyway, I was always very nice to April even though she has disrespected me to my face. Even when she fights with Justin, she brings my name up into the argument and just calling me awful, vulgar names mainly pertaining to my age. However, yesterday while Justin was at work, April called me crying her eyes out and apologizing to me over an argument that she had with Justin. At first, I didn't want to get involved but it turns out that April was in danger of getting evicted from her apartment. Justin refused to give her any more money than what the law requires him to give for his daughter. His position is if April can't responsibly afford a roof over their daughter's head then he'll gladly take custody of her. So, clearly, Justin doesn't give a damn about April's well being, he only cares about their child. That's understandable but I know that April doesn't want to give up custody of her daughter. I also don't really want to raise a kid UNLESS she had nowhere else to be; otherwise, I could have my own kids with my ex-husband. So I suggested to Justin that I will give(not loan) April whatever money she needs to keep her apartment and he got very upset with me. He ultimately told me "whatever, do what you want". Justin almost made me cry when he accused me of not allowing him to be a man because I want to "use my money to control everything".

That is so wrong. Justin has his own job, he pays for his own car and he pays his own child support for his daughter. He may be living with me for free but that's simply because I depend on NO man to pay my mortgage, utilities etc. That's the beauty of independence. Justin's age is irrelevant. I'm NOT trying to control him. I'm trying to help him. If it wasn't for me, he'd still be living with his mother(who DID in fact charge him rent) and struggling even harder to support his child. I'm just trying to make things easy for him. So, how could he resent me for it? Would I be wrong if I helped his daughter's mother out?

Answer 1

The age gap is showing. Imagine how you would feel at age 20. It doesn't always make sense.

You're going above and beyond from your perspective by offering his ex money to help out. Perhapse he's feeling the need to be a father now, and if you give his ex money, he won't get the chance to have his kid with him.



It's a tough spot, but you have to go with what is best for the child- whether that's finally caving in and allowing a baby into your life... or if it's leaving your bf to stand or fall on his own in order to learn a lesson on how to best provide for his child... or if it's having an open marriage and having all of them in the house with you. That's all up to you.



PS- other poster was probably right... you're being the mom to your bf... if y'all are both ok with that (I don't see it working in the long run) and beat the odds, good for you.

Answer 2

First of all, it is quite evident that you resent men and perhaps that is why you are a sugar mommy to a boy. You are controlling and you think your money and "independence" can buy you things you are lacking otherwise (non material possessions, that is).



Well, giving money to April is not teaching her how to be responsible. But, you already know this and this is your motive to get people dependent upon you.



Well, if that makes you feel important, then go ahead.



However, it is teaching April nothing and it is under minding your boyfriend. But, that is what you want, eh?

Answer 3

I don't believe half of this.

Are you on medication?

Answer 4

This is hilarious. You mention rude and critical comments about the age difference...yet you go out of your way to bring it up?!? You could have written this entire question without mentioning age. So big lol's that this age difference "irrelevant". It's the whole problem here.



Anyway, at age 20, your boyfriend is still not an adult, and you're helping prevent this by allowing him to sponge off you. (You can dress this up any way you want, but plenty of fathers have to juggle finances and also pay child support). And now you want to add deception to all the red flags?



Do what you want, I guess.

Answer 5

You've got a kept man, dear and in fact he's not even a man, he's a BOY......he's just traded a bio-mommy for a sugar-mommy...that's all.



So how can you expect mature adult man behavior from a 20 year old kid.